"I wouldn't put a date on that pancake day anyway, just av 'em when you want, have it when you want. There's no big deal. You've got to make 'em yourself, it's not like some place is openin' to do it. Have em when you want. I don't know why that's got a special day on it,sick-of-it"

"(On Ricky asking him to do a diary next year)No I wouldn't, you know, cos you do the same stuff ever year don't ya? It's set up the same way: January, February it's the same thing, it's the same routine"

"It's just easier to put stuff off once we've got this calendar, whereas if we didnt have a date you'd have to do everythin' straight away"

"The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’"

"Say if I was in charge and someone said that buildin' needs knockin' down, it's dangerous, if we didn't have a calendar we'd go 'erm let's do it now then.' Whereas cos we've got a calendar it's easy to say...'next Wednesday'"

"He got hot, he got so hot his lips fell off."

"Karl: I came up with a good idea....see through skin"

"I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff."

"Karl's diary - Woke up at 9.55am. Soon as I woke up, I looked at Suzanne and she looked at me. I said, Did I tell you about the immune system? Suzanne starting laughing, I said it's amazing. She said, Not now."

"Yeah but everyone was a saint years ago, that seemed to be thrown about back then. Who's a saint now, in this year, who's a saint? And yet this guy, lived in a hut in the woods, 'oh yeah that's Saint John or whatever.' He wasn't a saint, he did nothin [Karl arguing with Steve and Ricky about Russian artifacts containing a portrait of a Russian Saint]"

"If you don't sleep you get run down. Sloths never get a flu, cos its good innit thats when your body's replemishing"

"At some point, somethin has had it away with a leaf [Karl's explanation of an insect which has evolved to look like a leaf to protect itself from predators]"

"Treat the world like a head"

"On identical twins - You always get a little snidey one."

"On dopplegangers - How would I know which one I was?"

"On dopplegangers - No because only it would only get me into trouble won't it? Because people won't believe there's another one like me. Otherwise everyone would be saying that when they get caught robbing, they go Oh it wasn't me it was me doppleganger."

"Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine."

"That impresses me more, inventin' electricity[Talking about Benjamin Franklin]"

"All I'm sayin is.. I've since found out what they do do with 'em.. and if they do do that with them.. give 'em a go on that."

"It’s just hassle of having friends and family an’ that."

"The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now."

"I was walking past a sex shop an' that. One, it was open early which I never understood, it was about eight o'clock in the morning. Who needs butt plugs then?"

"Could the world fall?"

"The best thing you can do is look after yourself. Get on with it."

"You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge."

"You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad - Karl re-evaluates the phrase A stitch in time saves nine."

"It serves a purpose."

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door - Karl invents his own phrase based on Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

"Whoop, there's an elephant in the room"

"Language is a powerful thing init...er..."

"Just sort of wander about and that, and just not get seen [What he would do with the power of invisibility]"

"[Ricky asks what else he would do with the power of invisibility]Dunno, you could sort of go in shops when they're shut, just get in before they lock up."

"Walking down the street in London with Suzanne, saw a little homeless.. well I didn't see the homeless bloke right, I saw a leg stickin out of a doorway, thought 'here we go', right. Walked past it, right, you're not gonna believe this. Homeless.... Chinese fella. I've never seen one of them."

"Do you know like, when you're a bloke nudist, Do you ever get any who just have like a small knob?"

"Talking about being in heaven- It's not fair though because all them lot have been up there ages with like a chance to get a bit of sun on the body and that so they'll look alright. I'll be wandering about with underpant marks and stuff."

"Don't be chucking that out. You might need that later - Karl interprets the phrase Waste not, want not."

"Now Hilda, she was your bog standard old woman."

"I've been watchin birds more than insects recently, and the thing I've found with pigeons is: they've got wings but they walk a lot"

"It would be impossible, I'd just chuck meself into the salt pot or something. I'd hate that, that would be horrible that [Karl answering Ricky's question of how he would get Suzanne's attention in the Kitchen if he were a slug]"

"Yeh I know but, I remember one on our estate, right. And she was a bit... what's the word that you can use cos I don't want to offend anyone? I'd say mental... but sort of mental homeless, is that a term?"

"Fella comes walking toward me. Only got no pants on. So I said, ‘Suzanne, what's going on?’"

"I will not be lickin a frog, so there's nothin' to worry about"

"If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about. - Karl interprets the phrase Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

"On homosexuals- They're more up for a bit more experimentation an' that -Podcast Series 1 Episode 2"

"You build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat, and you go alright? Hows it going?. You get on an' that and then a little baby pops out."

"I was at some night once, right. It was some night out and er, some people come running on stage. And some music started coming on. These four people came running out, it was two women, two blokes. It wasn't gay an' that. It was just a normal night -well, y'know, some party night out. These people come running on. You've got two women, you've got two blokes. They whip their knickers off. The fellas whip their undies off. All at the same time, like er, whatsit? Cheryl Baker was in it... Bucks Fizz. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right; before I had a look at the woman's bits, I just had a cheeky glance at the fellas' bits, just checkin' it out, checking everything's normal down there. Believe me, I had a look at the ladies' bits but I didn't know how long that pants were going to left off for."

"They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science."

"A stitch in five saves fifteen or whatever - Another re-evaluation by Karl of the phrase 'A stitch in time saves nine'"

"People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?"

"I've got a fat head. There's nothing I can do about it."