"[Upon seeing Kelly, assuming Kelly is there to yell at him for shelling Kelly's unit by accident the previous night] Wait, Kelly, wait. Will you listen to me a second? Will ya listen to me! It's not me, I tell ya, it's not me! I - I can't tell one shell from another, they all look alike! They all look alike. If was me, if I could tell, would I be here? WOULD I BE HERE?! I wouldn't be here, Kelly!"

"I'm gonna decorate every man in this penetration unit, whoever they are. They saved the reputation of this entire army. [To his officers] You're the ones supposed to be fightin' this battle, and you don't even know where the hell it is! Well, I'll tell you where it is. It's thirty miles beyond where you thought it was. Booker! Come on, now, let's get this army of mine back in the war!"

"[Listening to Kelly on the radio] Attack, attack, attack! Listen to this guy! That's the kinda fighting spirit I was talkin' about! If he's a major he's a colonel now!"

"We see our role as essentially defensive in nature. While our armies are advancing so fast and everyone's knocking themselves out to be heroes, we are holding ourselves in reserve in case the Krauts mount a counteroffensive which threatens Paris... or maybe even New York. Then we can move in and stop them. But for 1.6 million dollars, we could become heroes for three days."

"Oh, him? Name's Kelly. Used to be a lieutenant. Pretty good one, too. Till they gave orders to attack the wrong hill. Wiped out half a company of GI's. Somebody had to take the blame and he got picked."

"Bill Murray — John Winger"

"The story of a man who wanted to keep the world safe for democracy...and meet girls."

"[after stepping off the bus] Boy, I hope this is the mess hall. [looks at Captain Stillman] How’s it goin’ Eisenhower?"

"Robert J. Wilke — General Barnicke"

"I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid, my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make, but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into real heavy combat... I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way."

"[at Czech border crossing, holding map pretending to be lost tourist, talking to Czech soldiers] We're so goddamn lost. Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?"

"[breaking up a fight] Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out! The hell's the matter with you?! Stupid! We're all very different people. We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans. We're Americans, with a capital 'A', huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts! Here's proof: his nose is cold! But there's no animal that's more faithful, that's more loyal, more loveable than the mutt. Who saw Old Yeller? Who cried when Old Yeller got shot at the end? [raises his hand] Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot? I'm sure. [hands are reluctantly raised] I cried my eyes out. [even more hands go up] So we're all dogfaces. We're all very, very different, but there is one thing that we all have in common: we were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army. We're mutants. There's something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us! We're soldiers, but we're American soldiers! We've been kickin' ass for 200 years! We're 10 and 1! Now we don't have to worry about whether or not we practiced. We don't have to worry about whether Captain Stillman wants to have us hung. All we have to do is to be the great American fighting soldier that is inside each one of us. Now do what I do, and say what I say. And make me proud. Fall in!"

"Joe Flaherty — Border Guard"

"Lance LeGault — Colonel Glass"

"Roberta Leighton — Anita, Winger's ex-girlfriend"

"John Voldstad — Stillman's Aide"

"Conrad Dunn — Francis "Psycho" Soyer"

"Judge Reinhold — Elmo Blum"

"John Diehl — Howard J. "Cruiser" Turkstra"

"John Larroquette — Capt. Stillman"

"Sean Young — Louise Cooper"

"Timothy Busfield — Mortar Soldier"

"P. J. Soles — Stella Hansen"

"John Candy — Dewey "Ox" Oxberger"

"Warren Oates — Sgt. Hulka"

"Harold Ramis — Russell Ziskey"

"William H. Macy — Orlando Cmdr. Carl Knox"

"[Objecting at a meeting of flag officers regarding Dodge's command] There is physical evidence that, as an ensign, he did become so physically intoxicated that he not only allowed himself to be tattooed, but tattooed on his genitalia. Now, call me a prude if you want, but I don't think it's good policy for the Navy to hand over a billion-dollar piece of equipment to a man who has "Welcome Aboard" tattooed on his penis!"

"Kelsey Grammer — Lt. Cmdr. Thomas "Tom" Dodge"

"Lauren Holly — Lt. Emily Lake, Diving Officer"

"Rob Schneider — Executive Officer (XO) Martin T. "Marty" Pascoe"

"Harry Dean Stanton — CPO Howard, Chief Engineer"

"[After the Stingray's overhaul] Well done, guys. She may not be the youngest girl at the ball... but she'll turn a head or two. If she drives as well as she looks, we may even survive!"

"Rip Torn — Vice Adm. Dean Winslow"

"Harland Williams — Seaman 2nd Class E.T. "Sonar" Lovacelli"

"Bradford Tatum — Engineman 1st Class Brad Stepanak"

"Jonathan Penner — Seaman Stanley "Spots" Sylvesterson"

"Duane Martin — Planesman 1st Class Jefferson "R.J." Jackson"

"Toby Huss — Seaman Nitro"

"Ken Hudson Campbell — Seaman Buckman"

"Bruce Dern — Rear Adm. Yancy Graham"