"[Describing his passion for Pinot Noir] It's uh, it's thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens early. It's, you know, it's not a survivor like Cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and uh, thrive even when it's neglected. No, Pinot needs constant care and attention. You know? And in fact it can only grow in these really specific, little, tucked away corners of the world. And, and only the most patient and nurturing of growers can do it, really. Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot's potential can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean, oh its flavors, they're just the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and... ancient on the planet.""

"It tastes like the back of a fucking L.A. school bus. Now they probably didn't de-stem, hoping for some semblance of concentration, crushed it up with leaves and mice, and then wound up with this rancid tar and turpentine bullshit."

"If anyone orders Merlot I am leaving. I am not drinking fucking Merlot!"

"Elizabeth Banks - Beth"

"Leslie Mann - Nicky"

"Shelly Malil - Haziz"

"Gerry Bednob - Mooj"

"Jane Lynch - Paula"

"Kat Dennings - Marla"

"Seth Rogen - Cal"

"Romany Malco - Jay"

"Paul Rudd - David"

"Catherine Keener - Trish"

"Kevin Hart - Smart Tech Customer"

"Jonah Hill - Ebay Store Customer"

"You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal."

"All you gotta do is to use your instincts. How do you think a tiger knows how to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's code written in their DNA, says "Tackle the gazelle." Believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says "Tackle drunk bitches.""

"[after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother] Hey, fuck her on her plastic-covered couch...fuck her while she's watching Murder, She Wrote. She would probably find that very erotic...fuck her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday."

"[To Andy before he hits on Beth] There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number one, ask questions. Don't say anything. Because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves, so you're just gonna let them do that. Two, be cool. And three, be kind of a dick. Look, be like David Caruso in Jade."

"Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. [pause] Probably still pretty bad though."

"Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman fuckin' a horse. And you get there and you're thinking, "Oh, a woman fuckin' a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin' it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse."

"[about letting Andy hang out with them] I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment..."

"[about Andy] He's a really nice guy and all, but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer."

"I've borked a lot of women in my day."

"[David and Andy are talking about relationships] Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain, and it's...you know, you lose weight, and then you put back on weight, and then you call them a bunch of times, and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love."

"[Being bitter about Amy] If she wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody... well, hey, that's love."

"[Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video again] It looks like the doppler radar."

"[Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video everyone watches in the store] It looks like a Poltergeist."

"I hope you have a big trunk, 'cause I'm putting my bike in it."

"I'm a virgin. I always have been."

"Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?"

"Steve Carell - Andy"

"The Longer You Wait The Harder It Gets"

"Better Late Than Never"

"[While Jay is arguing with a Black customer] Today's forecast: dark and cloudy, with chance of drive-by."

"So, tell me, Montel. Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, al-Qaeda?"

"Tell me, when your son is born, is he already on parole?"

"I will pray for your cock."

"This is hogshit. You're a fucking asshole to tell me to come here and tell me he was a nice guy didn't you? Well, fuck you people, fuck you, you, you, and you, [points at Andy, Cal and Jay] fuck and kiss my big brown fucking ass! Okay!"

"Of course it doesn't feel right. What feels right hasn't worked. It's time to try some wrong, dawg."

"You're making the pussy into this great big Greek goddess named "Pussalia", and what you're doing is that you're psyching yourself into thinking that it's some impossible feat."

"From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm getting you some pussy."