"[about Connie] I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes. [To the audience] That's the first time I've used that joke in 20 years."

"[to Baravelli and Pinky, who have abandoned the football match in favor of playing cards] Do you realize what happens if we lose? It means shame! Disgrace! Humiliation! And besides, you're crazy if you don't play the ace!"

"Last week at this same hour I told you Mrs. Moskowitz was expecting a blessed event. Well, last night Mrs.Moskowitz had twins. O-KAY! MISTER MOSKOWITZ!! [blows a "crazy whistle"]"

"[impromptu radio announcement during the football match] Last week at this same hour I told you that Mrs. Moskowitz was expecting a blessed event. Well, last night Mrs. Moskowitz had twins. O-kay Mr Moskowitz! [blows siren whistle]"

"Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff"

"Harpo Marx - Pinky"

"Chico Marx - Baravelli"

"Zeppo Marx - Frank Wagstaff"

"Thelma Todd - Connie Bailey"

"David Landau - Jennings"

"Robert Greig - Biology professor Hornsvogel"

"Reginald Barlow - Retiring President"

"Margaret Dumont — Emily Upjohn"

"Douglass Dumbrille — J.D. Morgan"

"Esther Muir — Flo"

"Sig Ruman — Dr Leopold X. Steinberg"

"Robert Middlemass — Sheriff"

"Will you have the bellhop hop up with some hop scotch?"

"It's the old, old story. Boy meets girl - Romeo and Juliet - Minneapolis and St. Paul!"

"Emily, I have a little confession to make. I really am a horse doctor. But marry me, and I'll never look at any other horse."

"[the racetrack trumpet sounds] So it's WAR! I'm off to the battlefield!"

"I dunno, but she wants a Hackenapuss, she gonna get a Hackenapuss."

"I'm going to someone who understands me, I'm going to Dr. Hackenbush!…Why, I didn't know there was a thing the matter with me until I met him."

"Three Great Laff Stars ! . . . more gags and gals . . . more songs and dances !"

"as the barrier goes up on the Whopper of all Musical Fun Shows!"

"America's Joy-Friends are back again in the grandest entertainment gallop of 1937! More howls, more girls, more song hits than "A Night At The Opera"! Oh boy!"

"The Year's BIG Laugh, Music and Girl Show!"

"Groucho Marx — Dr Hugo Z. Hackenbush"

"Chico Marx — Tony"

"Harpo Marx — Stuffy"

"Allan Jones — Gil Stewart"

"Maureen O'Sullivan — Judy Standish"

"Leonard Ceeley — Whitmore"

"[giving a pill to a horse] Take one of those every half mile and call me if there's any change."

"[after examining Stuffy] Either he's dead or my watch has stopped!"

"[to Stuffy] Don't drink that poison! That's four dollars an ounce."

"[to Mrs. Claypool] Don't you see, you'll be a patron of the opera. You'll get into society. Then, you can marry me and they'll kick you out of society, and all you've lost is $200,000."

"[to Gottlieb] I saw Mrs. Claypool first. Of course, her mother really saw her first but there's no point in bringing the Civil War into this."

"Ladies and Gentlemen. I guess that takes in most of you. This is the opening of a new opera season, a season made possible by the generous checks of Mrs. Claypool. [Applause] I am sure the familiar strains of Verdi's music will come back to you tonight, and Mrs. Claypool's checks will probably come back in the morning. Tonight marks the American debut of Rodolfo Lassparri. [Applause] Senor Lassparri comes from a very famous family. His mother was a well known bass singer. And his father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda, thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time. And now on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons and necking in the parlor. Play, Don."

"Can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas?"

"Friends...how we happened to come to America is a great story. But I don't tell that. When we first started out, we got-a no idea you give us this-a grand reception. We donna deserve it. And when I say we donna deserve it, believe me, I know what I'm a-talkin' about...So now I tell you how we fly to America. The first time we started, we get-a halfway across when we run out-a gasoline and we gotta go back. Then I take-a twice as much gasoline. This time we-a just about to land - maybe three feet - when whaddya think? We run out-a gasoline again and a-back we go again to get-a more gas. This time I take-a plenty gas. Well, we get-a halfway over when what-a you think-a happened? We forgot-a the aeroplane. So we gotta sit down and we talk it over. Then I get-a a great idea. We no take-a gasoline. We no take-a the aeroplane. We take a steamship. And that, friends, is how we fly across the ocean."

"Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood"