"Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think... In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."

"Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other."

"Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen."

"Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters."

"Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having."

"Backbite, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you."

"Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity."

"Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk."

"Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense."

"Amnesty, n. The state’s magnaminity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish."

"The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of remarkable Christian forbearance among men — were it not for a mawkish humanitarianism, coupled with imperfect digestive powers, we should devour our young, as Nature intended."

"Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead."

"Alone, adj. In bad company."

"Advice, n. The smallest current coin."

"Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."

"Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous"

"Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin."

"Accord, n. Harmony."