"[trying to describe Linda] She was sort of a medium built, medium height. With a nice evening gown on with a belt in the back. She's sorta built like the girl I knew from the corner drugstore who used to play pinball. Conshwella Schlepkiss. I remember she was high man three weeks in a row."

"[about winning Linda back] You could melt her heart right down to butter, if you'd only turn on the heat!"

"Lisa Kudrow — Lois"

"Robinne Lee — Carol"

"Don Cheadle — Bernie"

"Kyla Pratt — Heather"

"Troy Gentile — Mark"

"Johnny Simmons — Dave"

"Emma Roberts — Andi"

"[has Friday the dog under his jacket] What's the matter? You've never seen a husky kid in a hoodie before?"

"Jake T. Austin — Bruce"

"Who let the dogs in?"

"No stray gets turned away."

"I'm suing you, I'm suing the state, I'm suing those kids, I'm suing the guy who invented shrink wrap, I'm suing everyone!"

"[runs into the kids' bedroom while brushing his teeth] Did I leave my whitening strips in here?"

"You sold a guy a rock in a box for $20."

"Kevin Dillon — Carl"

"William Baldwin - Himself / Det. Hunter Rush"

"I like her hair. I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes."

"When life hands you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail."

"Let me just say that if God was a city planner, he would not put a playground next to a sewage system."

"You've got Christ between your thighs... but with a shorter beard."

"[In response to Matthew the waiter's question about how Aldous liked his CD] Oh, I was gonna listen to your CD, but then I just went on living my life."

"I would rather have my testicles spread wafer thin and then sort of pasted with honey and then have wasps unleashed at my own genitals and then I would like the resulting stings to be covered in vinegar and sort of worn as a swimming cap by a Nazi."

"From the guys who brought you "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up""

"The ultimate romantic disaster movie"

"When Peter got dumped by his girlfriend, he wanted to get as far away as possible. Apparently... so did she"

"A comedy about getting dumped, and taking it like a man."

"Jason Segel - Peter "Pete" Bretter"

"Kristen Bell - Sarah Marshall"

"Mila Kunis - Rachel Jansen"

"Russell Brand - Aldous Snow"

"Jack McBrayer - Darald Braden"

"Bill Hader - Brian Bretter"

"Jonah Hill - Matthew Van Der Wyk"

"Liz Cackowski - Liz Bretter"

"Da'Vone McDonald - Dwayne"

"Maria Thayer - Wyoma Braden"

"Paul Rudd - Chuck / Kunu"

"Jason Bateman - Animal Instincts Detective"

"Teila Tuli - Kimo"

"Branscombe Richmond - Keoki"

"I myself have a little announcement to make, that may be of some interest. My natural curiosity was aroused, an so I did a little research on Mr. Bankister and Miss Burns, and I think--"

"I find that story as difficult to swallow as I do this potage au gelée."

"There is an old Croatian saying, Bollixter, which goes..."

"Don’t you know the meaning of propriety?"

"Don't kick those rocks, you Philistine!"

"Why, those are Howard's. What on Earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks?"