"Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness."

"In the past year, over 800,000 Americans have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number one killer."

"It is also important to know what to do you when you die. 1) Don't try to drive a car. 2) Do not operate heavy machinery. 3) Do not talk."

"The popcorn you are eating has been pissed in, film at eleven."

"I'm not wearing any pants, film at eleven."

"Moscow in flames, missiles headed to New York, film at eleven."

"Rams plagued by fumbles as earthquakes rock Los Angeles, film at eleven."

"Argon Spokesman: Here at our multi-billion dollar refinery in Fairbanks, we're extracting 2.5 billion barrels of crude oil each day from teenagers' faces."

"Argon Spokesman: At Argon, we're working to keep your money!"

"A.M. Newscaster: It's 19 minutes after the hour, and now it's time for our daily feature The Astrological Hour. A quick reminder these reports are not intended to foster belief in astrology, but merely to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives."

"Loo: What was that? This is not a chawade. We need total concentwation."

"Announcer: It's been said that the test of a man's courage is how he performs in the face of danger. Well, in the next half hour, you're gonna meet a very unique breed of cat. The kind of man who doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. Rex Kramer, part-time airline mechanic, full-time daredevil. A man willing to risk his life for the sake of adventure. He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it. Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker!"

"Game Show Announcer: Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain, and aspires to be a research chemist. Welcome, please, Hung Well! Guard number two is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang! Traveling comes naturally to guard number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals!"

"Pennington: Klahn has been connected with every sort of nefarious activity. You name it - opium, weapons traffic, assassination, motion picture distribution..."

"The Four Funniest Men in America are Eddie Murphy."

"Eddie Murphy - Prince Akeem/Clarence/Randy Watson/Saul"

"Arsenio Hall - Semmi/Morris/Reverend Brown/last (ugly) woman in bar scene."

"James Earl Jones - King Jaffe Joffer"

"John Amos - Cleo McDowell"

"Madge Sinclair - Queen Aoleon"

"Shari Headley - Lisa McDowell"

"Eriq La Salle - Darryl Jenks"

"Allison Dean - Patrice McDowell"

"Cuba Gooding, Jr. - Boy in Barber Shop"

"Samuel L. Jackson - Hold Up Man at McDowell's"

"This summer, Prince Akeem discovers America."

"[looking at the behinds of the Miss Black Awareness pageant contestants] I didn't come to preach to you today...But you know, when I look at these contestants! For the Miss Black Awareness Pageant, I feel good! I feel good, because I know there's a God somewhere! There's a God somewhere! Turn around ladies for me please! You know there's a God who sits on high and looks down low! Man cannot make it like this! Larry Flynt! Hugh Hefner! They can take the picture, but they can't make it! Only God above, the Hugh Hefner on high, can make it for ya!"

"Now I want you to reach onto God's unchanging hand. He helped Joshua fight the Battle of Jericho. He helped Daniel escape the lion's den. He helped Gilligan get off the island."