"Rep. Derounian: Mr Van Doren, I'm also from New York, a different part of New York. I'm happy that you made the statement, but I cannot agree with most of my colleagues. You see, I don't think an adult of your intelligence ought to be commended for simply, at long last, telling the truth."

"Martin Rittenhome: You see, the audience didn't tune in to watch some amazing display of intellectual ability. They just wanted to watch the money."

"Mark Van Doren: For $64,000, I hope they ask you the meaning of life."

"I remember five-six years ago my uncle Harold told my aunt about this affair he had. It was a sort of mildly upsetting event in my family... The affair was over, something like eight years. So I remember asking him, "Why did you tell her? You got away with it." And I'll never forget what he said. It was the getting away with it part that he couldn't live with."

"And they love me for the same reason they used to hate me, because I'm the guy who knows everything."

"[Referring to television] That box is the biggest thing since Gutenberg invented the printing press, and I'm the biggest thing on it."

"You know why they call them Indians? Because Columbus thought he was in India. They're Indians because some white guy got lost."

"You want to know what? If I do nothing else I will convince them that Herbert Stempel knows what won the goddamned Academy Award for best picture of 1955; that's what I'm gonna accomplish."

"[To his wife] You wanna be worshipped? Go to India and moo."

"[To a reporter outside the Congressional hearing room] You know what the problem with you bums is? You never leave a guy alone unless you're leaving him alone."

"This week on Twenty One, watch Herb Stempel be fed to the Columbia lions. Watch Charles Van Doren eat his first kosher meal on Twenty One."

"Charles Van Doren — he wouldn't know the answer to a doorbell if you didn't give it to him."

"Compare with the real statement made by Charles Van Doren."

"Mira Sorvino - Sandra Goodwin"

"Johann Carlo - Toby Stempel"

"[to Dottie] You ever hear Dad introduce us to people? "This is our daughter Dottie, and this is our other daughter, Dottie's sister." Should've just had you and bought a dog!"

""Here's a job for you, Jimmy. Managing girl ballplayers. Just go out there, wave your little hat around - but don't drink." Ah! Why would I wanna drink? I'm a goddamn Peach! [Hits a ground ball] Ah, double play! Now I'm hitting like a girl. "But be nice to them, they're good ballplayers." [Hits a deep fly ball] Ah! Catch that, blondie! Ha, ha!"

"[to the Peaches' homely chaperone] By the way, I loved you in the Wizard of Oz."

"[to an umpire] Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on? [after the umpire throws him out] I can't believe nobody ever called you that before!"

"Téa Leoni - Racine first base"

"Janet Jones - Racine pitcher"

"Bill Pullman - Bob Hinson"

"Garry Marshall - Walter Harvey"

"David Strathairn - Ira Lowenstein"

"Ann Cusack - Shirley Baker"

"Renée Coleman - Alice "Skeeter" Gaspers"

"Tracy Reiner - Betty "Spaghetti" Horn"

"Rosie O'Donnell - Doris Murphy"

"Megan Cavanagh - Marla Hooch"

"Anne Ramsay - Helen Haley"

"Bitty Schram - Evelyn Gardner"

"Madonna (entertainer) - Mae Mordabito"

"Jon Lovitz - Ernie Capadino"

"Lori Petty - Kit Keller"

"Geena Davis - Dottie Hinson"

"Tom Hanks - Jimmy Dugan"

"A woman's place is on home, first, second, and third."

"Once in a lifetime you get a chance to do something different."

"This summer, Tom Hanks and the Rockford Peaches prove that a woman's place is at home...first, second & third."

"There's no crying in baseball!"

"To achieve the incredible you have to attempt the impossible."

"I was a working journalist, a hired geek of sorts, and Lazlo was great copy and sometimes a great lawyer. It was a fast, strange time and we worked in a fast, strange ways."

"Bruno Kirby — Marty Lewis"

"Peter Boyle — Carl Lazlo, Esq."

"Bill Murray — Dr. Hunter S. Thompson"