"Are you just sitting around your dorm rooms playing cards and eating pizza? Is this the way you spent the majority of your four years in college? Would you like tonight to be different, you just don't have any place to go? Well, now you do! So turn off your radios and head on over. Tonight, at the Pit: Everyone Gets Laid."

"You gotta make sure he gives you the bicentennial tour: 200 years of bull-shit."

"Now we're even for the milkbones."

"Gutter is a tool!"

"These, Tom, are the Causeheads. They find a world-threatening issue and stick with it . . . for about a week."

"Mmm. Warm, flat beer. Soggy chips. Think about that."

"You can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit."

"I don't know if you're aware, but there actually was music recorded before 1989."

"Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman theory. No matter what time it is, 24 hours a day, you can find a Michael Caine or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV."

"Those aren't women, Tom. Those are womynists."

"Alright right, whaddya need? Bottle rockets, dental dams, Redi Wips, term papers?"

"Call me for the shower scene in "Dressed To Kill"."

"Sanskrit. You're majoring in a 5,000 year old dead language."

"You remember this guy? He skippered Hitler's catamaran during the war."

"Well, you call those useless, yurt-toting, frisbee-chucking cheeba-monkeys and you tell them you're gonna be an hour late."

"We need kegs, multiple, cold and domestic."