"What happened? You finally nail one of your groupies at a book signing? The Omaha Barnes and Noble? [Irritated, Mort reaches forward and shuts off Ken's session timer; Ken pauses] That was a dick thing to say, you know? Rotten profession. I apologize."

"[Reading Shooter's note] "You have three days. I'm not joking. No police." Anytime somebody sits down and writes "No police"... That's exactly the time that a fella should get himself over to the police."

"Maria Bello - Amy Rainey"

"I know I can do it", Todd Downey said, helping himself to another ear of corn from the steaming bowl. "I'm sure that in time, every bit of her will be gone, and her death will be a mystery... even to me."

"Won't do you any good to play games with me, Mr. Rainey. This has got to be settled."

"I suppose so. I suppose that's why I came all the way up here from Mississ'ippi."

"What do you think it means, you ignorant hick? I'm in the middle of a divorce. D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Deee-vorce!"

"You strike me as the type of guy who's lookin' for a head he can knock off with a shovel. But what you don't understand is that if we do start to fight... this ain't gonna end, until the other one of us is dead."

"The most important part of a story is the ending."

"How'd you get it? That's what I really wanna know. How the hell did a big, money-scribblin' asshole like you get down to a little shitsplat town in Mississippi and steal my goddamn story?"

"Michelle Krusiec – Dr. Kang"

"Tracey Walter – Pharmacy Customer"

"Danny DeVito – Narrator (voice)"

"Swoosie Kurtz – Jean"

"Wallace Shawn – Herman"

"Maya Rudolph – Nancy's co-worker Tara"

"Robert Wisdom – Officer Dan"

"Amber Valletta – Celine"

"Moving In September 26."

"Ben Stiller – Alex Rose"

"Drew Barrymore – Nancy Kendricks"

"It all started with one wrong move."

"Herman: I don't want it tickety boo, I want it tickety now!"

"Officer Dan: It's my experience that wives don't accidentally shoot their husbands in the penis."

"Eileen Essell – Mrs. Connelly"

"Alex and Nancy finally found their dream home…and then they moved in."

"She puts on this sweet voice. "Nancy, could ya help meh, eh? I think I've found the leavings of a mouse!" Boo, hoo, hoo! As if she didn't know it was a raisin!"

"We'll finally be happy!"

"[muffled sound of Mrs. Connelly's very loud t.v.] I saw myself in the mirror and I thought it was my mother's tush."

"What was she doing?"

"Harvey Fierstein – Kenneth"

"Are those musical instruments?"

"We forgot to christen the apartment."

"Tara: God, you're such a good squeezer, Nancy."

"It's horrible. My parents read this magazine. Now they know my penis is called Mr. Peabody!"

"She just manipulated me somehow. She's very crafty. She's a crafty old…lady."

"Besides, how can I have time to rewrite my novel and still do my faithful servant duty to her as her little indentured servant person. Her little butt boy. I mean, I got a lot of duties, honey. She might need me to go out and count grapes with her, or help her fix her heater, or go take her to the laundry, or I got to go help her clean her banana skins, or I got to go clean out her garbage, and I got to go help her fill her monthlies out, or go and wipe her ass! God forbid she have any shit hanging off her ass! Because then I have to run up there double time like a little bunny, and I have to go up there with my little tissue and I have to go wipe her little ass and then I have to say, "Oh, good for you, Mrs. Connelly. Good for you for having such a nice little poopie. What's that? You've got some poopie on your diapey? Well let me clean it off—with my tongue!""

"[reading a dictionary entry] "Macaw: any long tailed, brightly-colored parrot." A macaw is a parrot, I knew it!"

"Use some elbow grease."

"Blow me down!"

"Hello, Mr. Peabody!"

"I could have sworn we had more stuff."

"Upchuck is a delicacy for Little Dick. He's salivatin'."

"Off we go, Dicky Boy."

"You caught me. I can't help but sneak a fag once in a blue moon."

"It's loose as a Dublin whore!"

"It's a peacock!"

"A bit of music and a bit of a dance!"

"Nice seein' ya again, Kenneth."

"Justin Theroux – Coop"