"You know that whole deal about "penis envy"? Not true. No. Half of women don't even like it. You know who has penis envy? We do. That's why we cheat and we lie, because we're all obsessed with our own equipment!"

"Why do guys like to do it in front of a mirror? Because "objects appear larger than they actually are"."

"[After going through a painful attempt to wax his leg hair] Women are insane. Who would do that more than once? ...Why would they do the other leg?"

"There's way too much estrogen on TV these days."

"[Imitating Sean Connery from The Hunt for Red October ] "Adver-sary?" Surely, you mean "adversary", old boy?"

"You know what's the difference between a wife and a job? After fifteen years, a job still sucks."

"You talk to me like a woman, you think like a woman. Nick, come on, admit it. You're totally and completely gay!"

"Then don't let a little thing like me firing you stand in your way."

"I don't want that to be it. I don't want that to be it at all."

"[presenting the Nike ad to their executives, providing the narration for the ad, with Darcy and Wanamaker observing] You don't stand in front of a mirror before a run and wonder what the road will think of your outfit. You don't have to listen to its jokes and pretend that they're funny in order to run on it. It would not be easier to run if you dressed sexier. The road doesn't notice if you're not wearing lipstick, does not care how old you are. You do not feel uncomfortable because you make more money than the road. And you can call on the road whenever you feel like it, whether it's been a day or even a couple of hours since your last date. The only thing the road cares about...is that you pay it a visit once in a while. Nike: No games, just sports."

"[Examining the contents of the box that Darcy gave to find inspiration] "Nobody panic, this is supposed to be fun." Alright, I can do this, I'm a professional. [Reaches into the box and pulls out..] Lipstick, alright. Lipstick on a guy's collar? No, women will hate that. Lipstick on a guy's collar that won't rub off. No, that's much worse. Okay, I need to start thinking like a broad. [Closes his eyes] Alright, I'm a broad. I see lipstick...[Sniffs the lipstick] on a dark-haired Tahitian beauty standing under a waterfall, wearing nothing but a thong, and water cascading down her back- [His eyes shoot open] I'm a lesbian!"

"[Drunkedly singing along with the song Bitch ] I'm a bitch, I'm a mother, I'm a brother, it's confusing, as I volumize my hair, and I am not aware..."

"[Thinking] I'm flirting, what is wrong with me? [turns around and looks away, then back at him, but...] Oh, God, I just looked at his penis! I just hope he didn't see me... [Nick ruffles his pants; Darcy covers her eyes with her hands as Nick laughs] Oh shit, I just looked at it again! Stop it!"

"What kind of knight in shining armor would I be if the man I love needs rescuing and I just let him walk out my door?"

"I.M. Hobson - Myron Addison, a Board Member"

"Jim True-Frost — Buzz the Elevator Operator"

"Bill Cobbs — Moses the Clock Man"

"Bruce Campbell — Smitty, Argus reporter"

"Jennifer Jason Leigh — Amy Archer"

"Say, buddy, what takes fifty years to get up to the top floor and thirty seconds to get down? Waring Hudsucker! Ya get it, buddy?"

"Hiya, buddy, my name's Buzz. I got the fuzz I make the elevator do what she does."

"And that's the story of how Norville Barnes climbed waaay up to the forty-fourth floor of the Hudsucker Building, and then fell all the way down but didn't quite squish hisself. You know, they say there was a man who jumped from the forty-FIFTH floor? But that's another story."

"And Norville, he went on an' ruled with wisdom and compassion and started dreamin' up them excitin' new ideas again."

"And so began 1959, the new year. When he learned that Norville owned the comp'ny, ol' Sidney was upset at first. It's a good thing Doc Bromfenbrenner was there because he was able to keep Sidney from harmin' his ol' self."

"[having just rammed a broom handle through a clock, thus freezing time. Line spoken to camera] Strictly speaking, I'm never supposed to do this. But you have any better ideas?"

"I wasn't expecting all this hoopla. You can quote me on that."

"For instance, take a look at this sweet baby. [Shows a drawn circle on a piece of paper] I developed it myself. Yessirie, this is my big ticket upstairs. You know, for kids."

"[repeated line] You know, for kids."

"Paul Newman — Sidney J. Mussburger"

"Tim Robbins — Norville Barnes"

"At Hudsucker industries there's a fast way to the top...and an even faster way down!"

"They took him for a fall guy... but he threw them for a hoop."

"A Comedy of Invention."

"I used to think you were a swell guy. Well, to be honest, I thought you were an imbecile. But then I figured out you WERE a swell guy... A little slow, maybe, but a swell guy. Well, maybe you're not so slow, But you're not so swell either. And it looks like you're an imbecile after all!"

"Don't you remember how you used to feel about the hoop? You told me you were gonna bring a smile to the hips of everyone in America, regardless of race, creed or color. Finally there'd be a thingumajig that would bring everyone together -- even if it kept 'em apart, spatially."

"Why he has a face only a mother could love... on payday."

"Well, come on down here, hammerhead, and I'll show it to ya!"

"Moron. That's a five-letter word for "imbecile"!"

"I'll stake my Pulitzer on it!"

"This better be good. I'm in a bad mood."