"Flying is the tension between freedom and responsibility. The obligation on every flight is to ensure the safety of the people aboard. It's serious. And I continually have to meet the standards. And: it's the third dimension! We're living the two dimensional life here on the ground. When you get up there and you see the third dimension - that's what's so exciting about these kids, the Young Eagles. You fly 'em over their house and it's the first time they really know where they live."

"I don't think I have something that's pronounceable as a philosophy. ... When it was fashionable to say, "May the Force be with you," I always said, "Force yourself." ... I'll say again then, "The Force is within you. Force yourself.""

"I am in show business. I don't, for a minute, ever forget that this is a business that I'm involved in, and it plays by business' rules."

"I wouldn't be doing this interview if I didn't like you."

"I just don't understand the need to name something "the best" or more better than something else. Saying one thing is better than another, one performance is better than another performance — there can't be a contest in this area. I don't understand that."

"The simplest answer is probably the most truthful: After two years of sitting on my ass during COVID, and waiting quite a few years for Indiana Jones to start, I had not done as much work as I wanted to and I wanted to do different things. So [Shrinking] came along, and then, very quickly after that, 1923 came along. I took the job without a script on both of them, on faith that the people who created the projects were going to deliver me a good script. I really didn’t realize how much work 1923 was going to be, and I absolutely feel it’s worth it. I’m excited to do another season of both."

"Speaking about his Irish/Jewish/Russian ancestors, Harrison Ford said that he is “Irish as a person but I feel Jewish as an actor.”"

"Steven had a great line. They were askin' us "What's it like as a comedian in front of 80,000 people?" And Steven said "If you're swimming in the ocean, it doesn't matter how deep the water is. All you can do is swim.""

"[unenthusiastically at the beginning of every show in response to audience applause] "Thanks.""

"I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."

"I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing."

"I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it."

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

"When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything."

"It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to."

"I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time."

"Sometimes you cannot hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses."

"I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add."

"A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept good. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes.""

"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'"

"I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote.""

"Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises... gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy."

"About five years ago, somebody showed me some web sites that had my material all over them, and I thought that was fascinating. One reason was, I'd never seen my jokes written one right after another like that. I write on drawing paper—I don't even like lines on the paper—so I have notebooks all over the place with handwritten pieces of my act in them. So to see it go by, all typed out neatly, was like, "Wow." And then two or three years ago, someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn't write any of it. What's disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad."

"I tried to hang myself with bungie cords. I kept almost dying."

"I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter."

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"