"A grand little lad was young Albert, All dressed in his best; quite a swell. With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle, The finest that Woolworth's could sell."

"They didn't think much to the Ocean, The waves, they was fiddlin' and small, There was no wrecks and nobody drownded, Fact, nothing to laugh at at all."

"Now Albert had heard about lions, How they was ferocious and wild; And to see Wallace lying so peaceful, Just didn't seem right to the child. So straightway the brave little feller, Not showing a morsel of fear, Took his stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle, And shoved it in Wallace's ear."

"Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence, And didn't know what to do next, Said "Mother! Yon Lion's 'et Albert," And Mother said "Well, I am vexed!""

"At that Mother got proper blazing, "And thank you, sir, kindly," said she. "What, waste all our lives raising children To feed ruddy Lions? Not me!""

"Y' not charging tuppence for that little lad?" Said Mother, her eyes flashing wild. "Per tuppence per person per trip," answered Ted, "Per woman, per man, or per child."

"Noah said "Nay; I'll make thee an offer, The same as I did t'other day. A penny a foot and a free ride. Now, come on, lad, what does tha say?" "Three ha'pence a foot," came the answer. So Noah 'is sail 'ad to hoist, And sailed off again in a dudgeon, While Sam stood determined, but moist."

"So with 'is 'ead down in a corner, On 'is front paws 'e started to walk, And 'e coughed and 'e sneezed and 'e gargled, Till Albert shot out like a cork. Old Wallace felt better direc'ly, And 'is figure once more became lean, But the only difference with Albert Was 'is face and 'is 'ands were quite clean."

"Then giving young Albert a shilling, He said "Pop off back to the Zoo. 'Ere's your stick with the 'orses's 'ead 'andle, Go and see what the Tigers can do!""

"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha musket."

"No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke."

"There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!"

"Apparently the only way to avoid a sudden agonising death, is to walk around in tights with a bottle of vinegar. I'd rather be fucking dead!"

"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."

"Christians shouldn't be allowed near rock and roll. It's not for them! It's not fucking for them! They should all join the Brothers of the Beige or some fucking thing - "The Beige Sisters of Premenstrual Agony." The fucking...! You see them - Christian rock! Is there such a fucking absurdity in the world? [makes screeching noises imitating a metal guitar, then speaks quietly] "He is my saviour!" That's not rock and roll! That's Youth Club Table Tennis fucking crap! Rock and roll is [shrieking] "I AM THE DEVIL AND I WANNA FUCK YOUR MOTHER!""

"The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people""

"53 fucking virgins! [laughs] The very thought of 53 fucking virgins, it's a nightmare! It's not a fucking present, it's not a prize - it's a punishment! Give me two fire-breathing whores any day of the week! I'm a slut man!"

"Your parents choosing your fucking marriage partner - don't be ridiculous! Fucking stupid! "That's her over there, son." "Which one? They're all the fucking same, dad! Black with a wee fucking window!""

"[stamps his foot, which knocks his drink over] Oh fuck, I did this last night as well!"

"Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house...and take that fucking bulldozer with you."

"My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What?! You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too.""

"[to the front of audience] What was I talking about? Can you remember, eh? What? [to audience at the back] Shut the fuck up, I'm talking to someone! [to front again] Button your cardigan, I can see your cleavage."

"You said, "If you're ever in Los Angeles we must have dinner"- well, he's here. That's not an invitation! Translated, it means: "You're a boring piece of shit, I'm off, I've had enough of you!""

"[Singing] "Oh, the big fire engine goes ding-a-ling-a-ling." No, it fucking doesn't. It used to."

"We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming."

"Poos himself on stage, classic Billy"

"It's pish!"

"I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little."

"Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace."

"Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose."

"For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil."

"I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something."

"Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh."

"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."

"Never trust anybody with only one book."

"The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one."

"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards."

"There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter."

"When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?"

"Life for me is great. I'm a very f***in' wealthy person, I'm married to a very beautiful woman and I get laid with monotonous regularity."

"Religion is over, lads, it's fucking over. Take your reformation, your Vatican, your fucking Mecca and fuck off. Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea! Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short! Fucking idiots! I want to see the instructor: "Right, lads, I'm only going to show you this once..." Fucking pricks! And it depends on what newspaper you read, how many virgins you get for blowing yourself up. How are you gonna shag them when you're now flying mince?!"

"You've made a happy man very old."

"That man (Ronald Reagan, who was President of the USA at the time), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television!"

"I came here on Concorde today... and I arrived before I fucking left!"

"People die all the time. It's just that you're not around."

"Aromatherapy bollox!"

"Recently, I turned 60... and even more recently, I turned 62. That was a bastard, I don't even remember the 61."