"(Voice-over) Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day, and for once I'm inclined to believe that Withnail is right. We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell. Making an enemy of our own future."

"(Voice-over) Thirteen million Londoners have to wake up to this. Murder and All-Bran and rape. And I'm sitting in this bloody shack and I can't cope with Withnail. I must go home at once and discuss his problems in depth."

"(Paraphrasing Hamlet) I have of late — but wherefore I know not — lost all my mirth... and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air — look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire — why, it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors. What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties! ...How like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world. The paragon of animals. And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me. No, nor woman neither... nor woman neither."

"Right, you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up."

"Bastard asked me to understudy Konstantin in The Seagull. I'm not going to understudy anybody. Especially that pimp! Anyway, I loathe those Russian plays. Always full of women staring out of windows, whining about ducks going to Moscow."

"Don't threaten me with a dead fish!"

"Look at my tongue. It's wearing a yellow sock."

"I feel like a pig shat in my head."

"Look at this - accident blackspot? These aren't accidents, they're throwing themselves into the road! Throwing themselves into the road gladly to escape all this hideousness! (Heckles pedestrian) Throw yourself into the road, darling, you haven't got a chance!"

"Scrubbers! Scrubbers! Little tarts, they love it!"

"Free to those who can afford it, very expensive to those who can't."

"All right, this is the plan. We get in there and get wrecked, then we eat a pork pie, then we drop a couple of Surmontil-50s each. That means we'll miss out on Monday but come up smiling Tuesday morning."

"(He spits out a globule of phlegm) Jesus, look at that. Apart from a raw potato, that's the only solid to have passed my lips in the last 60 hours. I must be ill."

"I'm in a park and I'm practically dead; what good's the countryside?"

"The only programme I'm likely to get on is the fucking news!"

"These are the sort of windows faces look in at!"

"There must and shall be aspirin, or I shall die, here, on this fucking mountainside!"

"Nonsense, this is a far superior drink to meths! The wankers on site don't drink it because they can't afford it!"

"Black puddings are no good to us. I want something's flesh!"

"I assure you I'm not [drunk], officer, honestly. I've only had a few ales."

"Monty, you terrible cunt!"

"I'm not having this shag sack insulting me! Let him get his drugs out."

"Listen, we're bona fide, we're not from London."

"We want the finest wines available to humanity, we want them here and we want them now!"

"How can it be so cold in here? It's like Greenland in here. We've got to get some booze. It's the only solution to this intense cold. Something's got to be done. We can't go on like this. I'm a trained actor reduced to the status of a bum. I mean, look at us! Nothing that reasonable members of society demand as their rights! No fridges, no televisions, no phones! Much more of this and I'm going to apply for meals on wheels."

"I demand to have some booze!"

"I have some extremely distressing news. We've just run out of wine; what are we going to do about it?"

"I think we've been in here too long. I feel unusual."

"We've gone on holiday by mistake."

"Hunted by men...Sought by WOMEN!"

"HUNTED...By a thousand men! Haunted...By a lovely girl!"

"I never knew the old Vienna before the war with its Strauss music, its glamour and easy charm. Constantinople suited me better. I really got to know it in the classic period of the Black Market. We'd run anything if people wanted it enough - mmm - had the money to pay. Of course, a situation like that does tempt amateurs but you know they can't stay the course like a professional. Now the city - it's divided into four zones, you know, each occupied by a power: the American, the British, the Russian and the French. But the center of the city that's international policed by an International Patrol. One member of each of the four powers. Wonderful! What a hope they had! All strangers to the place and none of them could speak the same language. Except a sort of smattering of German. Good fellows on the whole, did their best you know. Vienna doesn't really look any worse than a lot of other European cities. Bombed about a bit. Oh, I was gonna tell you, wait, I was gonna tell you about Holly Martins, an American. Came all the way here to visit a friend of his. The name is Lime, Harry Lime. Now Martins was broke and Lime had offered him, some sort, I don't know, some sort of job. Anyway, there he was, poor chap. Happy as a lark and without a cent."

"Wilfrid Hyde-White - Cribbin"

"Bernard Lee - Sergeant Paine"

"Hedwig Bleibtreu - Anna's Landlady"

"Siegfried Breuer - Popescu"

"Erich Ponto - Dr. Winkel"

"Ernst Deutsch - 'Baron' Kurtz"

"Paul Hörbiger - Porter"

"Trevor Howard - Major Calloway"

"Orson Welles - Harry Lime"

"Alida Valli - Anna Schmidt"

"Joseph Cotten - Holly Martins"

"Leonard: Do you think it's possible that bad writing actually attracts a higher incidence of error?"

"I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been."

"I've stayed alive for you. But now you have to let me go."

"I had this fantastic notion. I took the Xanax and the Ritalin together. It had never occurred to me!"

"Just wait till I die. Then you'll have to think of yourself. How are you going to like that?"

"Would you be angry if I died?"

"I wanted to be a writer, that's all. I wanted to write about it all. Everything that happens in a moment. The way the flowers looked when you carried them in your arms. This towel, how it smells, how it feels, this thread. All our feelings, yours and mine. The history of it, who we once were. Everything in the world. Everything all mixed up, like it's all mixed up now. And I failed. I failed. No matter what you start with it ends up being so much less. Sheer fucking pride and stupidity."