""No law against waiting," I said, "people do it all the time." For once, I didn't say too much, I didn't say too little, I said just what I said and then walked."

"[looking in the mirror] Hello, gorgeous."

"Mae Questel - Mrs. Strakosh"

"Lee Allen - Eddie Ryan"

"Walter Pidgeon - Florenz Ziegfeld"

"Anne Francis - Georgia James"

"Kay Medford - Rose Brice"

"Omar Sharif - Nick Arnstein"

"Barbra Streisand - Fanny Brice"

"[singing] Don't tell me not to fly, I simply gotta If someone takes a spill It's me and not you Don't bring a cloud to rain on my parade."

"[singing] Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter."

"Suppose all ya ever had for breakfast was onion rolls. Then one day, in walks a (gasp)bagel! You'd say, 'Ugh, what's that?' Until you tried it! That's my problem. I'm a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls. Nobody recognizes me! Listen, I got 36 expressions. Sweet as pie and as tough as leather. And that's six expressions more than all them...Barrymores put together. Instead of just kicking me, why don't they give me a lift? Well, it must be a plot, 'cause they're scared that I got such a gift!..."

"Robert John Burke - Instructor Jenks"

"Dick Clark - Himself"

"Matt Damon - Bachelor #2"

"Brad Pitt - Bachelor #1"

"Richard Kind - Casting Executive"

"Carlos Carrasco - Brazioni"

"Emilio Rivera - Benitez"

"Daniel Zacapa - Renda"

"Kristen Wilson - Loretta"

"Rachelle Lefevre - Tuvia"

"James Urbaniak - Rod Flexner"

"Maggie Gyllenhaal - Debbie"

"Michael Ensign - Simon Oliver"

"Jerry Weintraub - Larry Goldberg"

"His future was uncertain. His every move was being watched."

"Some things are better left top secret."

"There are several efficient methods for killing a man were you to find yourself without a weapon. The edge of your hand, against your adversary's Adam's apple. This will crush his windpipe, causing strangulation and death. [demonstrates on a volunteer, then realizes what he's done] Shit! I need another volunteer!"

"Killing my first man was like making love to my first woman."

"Think of it as a hobby. Something you do to relax. You're an "assassination enthusiast.""

"You're 32 years old, and you've achieved nothing. Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. You better get crackin'."

"Nietzsche says whoever despises oneself... still respects oneself as one who despises."

"You're kind of cute... in a homely sort of way."

"Very good Chuck. I am pleasantly surprised, you're not like the other murderers."

"Insane asylums are filled with people who think they're Jesus or Satan. Very few have delusions of being a guy down the block who works for an insurance company."

"I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator."

"My name is Charles Prescott Barris. I have written pop songs, I have been a television producer. I am responsible for polluting the airwaves with mindnumbing, puerile entertainment. In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings. [types on a typewriter: I am damned to hell]"

"I'm not killing people... my future's in television."

"Life was sweet... For a minute."

"Go back to Scotland! Get yourself some Guinness, some Lucky Charms."

"I don't know what was worse - that I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor, or that it took seven of us to replace him."

"When you're in a relationship it means you are obligated to give a shit."

"When you are young, your potential is infinite. You might do anything, really. You might be Einstein. You might be DiMaggio. Then you get to an age where what you might be gives way to what you have been. You weren't Einstein. You weren't anything. That's a bad moment."

"Rutger Hauer - Keeler"