Actors From New York State

"Tom Cruise, he’s a lot more famous than me."

"Working with Tom is one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given by this business."

"That's laughable to me. That stuff's laughable."

"But even when I started out with Risky Business and Top Gun came out, there was the paparazzi. You knew them, and I could go up to them and say, 'Give me a break tonight. I'll give you the shots tomorrow'."

"I believe in God. … There is no way you can be up here [in the Rocky Mountains] and think that there isn't a God."

"I want to know that I've done everything I could every day I think of all those people out there who are depending on us. I think about it. It does make me feel we need more work, more help. Get those spectators on the playing field, or out of the arena. Really, that is how I feel about it. I do what I can, and I do it the way I do everything … there's nothing part of the way for me."

"I have to tell you something. It really is, you know, it's rough and tumble. It's wild and woolly. It's a blast...it's a blast. It really is fun, because dammit, there's nothing better than to going out there and fighting the fight …"

"It's like, we're here to help. If you're a Scientologist, you see life, things, the way they are, in all its glory, in all of its perplexity, and the more you know as a Scientologist, you don't become overwhelmed by it."

"We are the authorities on getting people off drugs. We are the authorities on the mind. We are the authorities on improving conditions. Criminon (sic). We can rehabilitate criminals. We can bring peace and unite cultures."

"Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it's not like anyone else, it's, you drive past, you know you have to do something about it. You know you are the only one who can really help. That's what drives me."

"There was a time I went through [the Scientology doctrine], I said, you know what, when I read it, I just thought 'Whoa', this is it. This is exactly it."

"I think it's a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist and it's something you have to earn. And because a Scientologist does, he or she has the ability to create new and better realities, and improve conditions."

"Sex is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it's an extension of that. Where it's just free. And that's how it should be. It's spectacular."

"It was more than fun, and it was more than great... It was historic. What Oprah did by acknowledging those women... they've not only had an impact on women, and African-American women, but on men, and on the world. They really have changed the culture for the better. It's a great inspiration."

"I kept looking [at wife Katie Holmes] and thinking, 'This woman's amazing.' I'm happy that I'm with her. She's amazing, and I'd think the same of her even if she wasn't with me -- she's just amazing."

"The important thing with a child is that you love them, you protect them and you help them to grow and find out who they are. And as a parent, it's my responsibility to help them to become independent and get all the knowledge and a broad view of the world and life. I know that Nic [former wife Nicole Kidman] absolutely agrees with that. And that's what's important: being there."

"How big are muffins going to get before we all join hands across America? Have you seen them? They're huge. You walk in, "Yeah, I'll take a coffee and... Oh my God! Yeah, I'll take the bean bag chair with raisins. Wooh! Yeah! Alright, can't believe this is fat-free! Hey, you wanna help me out to the trunk of my car? No, leave the Saran Wrap on it I'll use it to cover my pool, this is good.""

"I'm not a gay man, but I will say this: I get it now. I know what all the hype is about."

"This annoyed me: I was on the phone with somebody today tryin to get a phone number from that person and write it down, but they didn't have phone number rhythm and that pissed me off. You know what I'm talkin about? Phone number rhythm. Especially if there's like an area code involved, like 'two one two - bum bum buh - bum buh bum buh!' That is the rhythm I think we're all familiar with. This guy had no clue! I was like "Okay, Hank. Gimme the number." He's like "Alright. It's two one two nine - fifteen eight eleven six [mumbling incoherently] fou.. tw.. five.. eight.. seven.. two." "Did you throw in your zip code? Cause I got a lot of extra numbers over here. I have extra. I can almost start a new number! What do ya got?! Start again from the top!" They really screw you up on the last four numbers. That's where they get ya. "Five five five - six.. teen forty one" "Dude, I already wrote the six! I made the dash too close, I can't shimmy the one in there now! Forget you!""

"When you're big you don't need a reason to sweat. You don't, right? My friends cannot grab a hold of this concept. They come up to me all the time like "Jeez! What have you been doing? What are ya jumpin rope in the attic?!" "Well, I peeled an orange.. about an hour ago. Why, what's up?""

"There were nude pictures... a lot of it is erotic or sexual. But I don't view my collection as dirty in any way. I view it as art."

"There were just things in Disney movies that probably were too scary for kids."

"Please accept my apology for not going public with what I've been facing the last six years. I have always felt a huge amount of love and respect from my friends, fans and supporters. I have loved you all so much and enjoyed making art for you."

"Does anyone come back from this? I don't know the answer to that, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this destroy me."

"The economy is so bad, two Milwaukee men were arrested this week for trying to join ISIS. Did you hear their excuse, they said, "Hey! Nobody else is hiring!" THAT'S how bad it is!"

"And as you know, this whole Hillary e-mail scandal brought Anthony Wiener back into the news. Now here's a question nobody has asked. Anthony Wiener is Jewish, right? Right? So does this scandal make him a Hebrew National Wiener?"

"Hillary says she has been tested. Well, I hope so. You never know what Bill might bring home."

"Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush"."

"[about the Chicago Cubs being swept by the L.A. Dodgers in the 2008 NLDS]: How about next year, we only let the Cubs play using steroids?"

"Welcome back! If you're wondering where our good friend -- Kevin Eubanks couldn't be here. Kevin is on tour. He's in France right now. He called me today and he's over there and he wouldn't be back until next week. So if you're wondering where Kevin Eubanks is, he's with us in spirit certainly. Okay. Boy, this is the hard part. I want to thank you, the audience. You folks have been just incredibly loyal. (emotionally) This is tricky. (laughs) We wouldn't be on the air without you people. Secondly, this has been the greatest 22 years of my life. (applause) I am the luckiest guy in the world. I got to meet presidents, astronauts, movie stars, it's just been incredible. I got to work with lighting people who made me look better than I really am. I got to work with audio people who made me sound better than I really do. (voice breaking) And I got to work with producers! And writers! (choked pause) And just all kinds of talented people who make me look a lot smarter than I really am. I'll tell you something. First year of this show, I lost my mom. Second year, I lost my dad; then my brother died. And after that, I was pretty much out of family. And the folks here became my family. Consequently, when they went through rough times, I tried to be there for them. The last time we left the show, you might remember we had the 64 children that were born among all our staffers that married. That was a great moment. And when people say to me, hey why don't you go to ABC? Why don't you go to FOX? Why don't you go…? I didn't know anybody over there. These are the only people I have ever known. I'm also proud to say this is a a union show. And I have never worked (applause) -- I have never worked with a more professional group of people in my life. They get paid good money and they do a good job. And when the guys and women on this show would show me the new car they bought or the house up the street here in Burbank that one of the guys got, I felt I played a bigger role in their success as they played in mine. That was just a great feeling. And I'm really excited for Jimmy Fallon. You know, it's fun to kind of be the old guy and sit back here and see where the next generation takes this great institution, and it really is. It's been a great institution for 60 years. I am so glad I got to be a part of it, but it really is time to go, hand it off to the next guy; it really is. And in closing, I want to quote Johnny Carson, who was the greatest guy to ever do this job. And he said, I bid you all a heartfelt good night. Now that I brought the room down, hey, Garth, have you got anything to liven this party up? Give it a shot! Garth Brooks!"

"How many of you watched the vice presidential debate expecting Sarah Palin to screw up? Be honest. [cheers and applause] : And how many of you watched the debate expecting Joe Biden to screw up? [more cheers and applause] : And how many of you watched the baseball game knowing the Cubs would screw up? [more applause]"

"I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking."

"Fred, what happened to your ass?" "Oh, the fat guy at the office sneezed on me."

"No, they said they do not believe in evolution, then they said the biggest threat to America: religious radicals living in the Dark Ages."

"Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…"

"Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference."

"Afterwards, President Bush said, "Maliki is the right man for the job." Just to remind you, Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld was the right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job… which would be okay if Bush was the right man for the job."

"Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed."

"And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities."

"A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. […] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time."

"So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh— meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?"."

"How many watched the President's speech last night? [half-hearted audience applause] How many watched American Idol? [thundering applause] Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve."

"106 [degrees] in the valley… I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents."

"I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada"."

"Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it."

"In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously."

"Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. … They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years"

""This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record."

"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly."

"Well, there's nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn't hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don't tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It's an easy target."