"When you think about a better tomorrow, you think about veganism in the world. I don’t need a dead animal or dead piece of flesh to go into my live body. There’s nothing on this planet that doesn’t want to live. I had animals as friends, they were happy to see me in their own animal way. I’m quite sure they did not want to be on my plate. I think hip-hop has become more conscious about diet… You are what you eat, so if this cow who is stressed, dumbfounded, sick becomes your meal, when you eat it, you are eating that stress and sickness. You are eating that fear. My peers and people that are related to me appreciate the vegan lifestyle, it’s really spreading."

"I tell you one thing I did used to like: the fish and chips. But I stopped eating fish this year. One day I just felt the death in it."

"I tour the South, though, I do. I love touring the South. Some people up North are afraid of the South, it's weird. I'll do a show in, like, Alabama. I'll tell someone I did a show in Alabama and they'll be like, "Oh my God! What was that like?" Oh, you know, chairs, a microphone. Oh, I'm sorry, I know what you're looking for. I'll tell you what it was like. Well, I flew into Birmingham. The Imperial Wizard from the Klan picked me up at the airport. Rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of "jewboy go home." At the end of the night I go "Where's my check?" They go, "You're not gettin' a check. You're gettin' this bag of porkrinds." Is that the answer you were looking for, you narrow-minded fake-liberal fuck?"

"My experience with first-time directors is that they’re all extremely prepared, because I guess they’re worried. They spend weeks preparing everything, and they have to get used to the fact that once you get there, everything goes wrong and you have to make everything up."

"Dan Raad means Business..."

"(on his firing from Two and a Half Men) I would have fired my ass too. Well, maybe not like they did."

"...from some distant memory as she stood there before you."

"We need to hack up the person responsible for this bad connection....hack him up in front of his children. We need to cut off his face and wear it and go on a really tightly budgeted shopping spree in stores that don't exist yet."

"People that aren't special, people that don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA (The Today Show)"

"I wish people would shift that focus on to themselves and their own family and their own friends and just maybe spend a little more time on their home front. And not some distant planet that is me."

"I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That's how I describe myself." (Piers Morgan Tonight)"

"I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

"They're trying to destroy my family, so I take great umbrage with that. And defeat is not an option. They picked a fight with a warlock."

"Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber. (The TMZ Show)"

"It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view."

"Charlie Sheen has been getting more air time recently than the president of the United States, the conflicts in the Middle East and the winners of the Academy Awards. Combined. And for good reason — he gives better quotes."

"It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them just look like droopy-eyed armless children."

"I expose people to magic, I expose them to something they're never otherwise going to see in their boring normal lives."

"I don't believe in rock bottom. Rock bottom is like a fishing term."

"They were like 'AA this' and I was like 'Bye bye that'"

"The scales of justice are in disarray[...]"

"Sorry my life is so much more bitchin' than yours. I planned it this way."

"(on Ashton Kutcher) It's hard to give advice to a guy that accomplished. I would just give him a hug and just say, "Make me proud, dude.""

"I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitching, a total … rock star from Mars, and people can't figure me out; they can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain. (The Today Show)"

"Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed."

"There’s been a tsunami of media, and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard."

"I’m grandiose. Because I live a grandiose life. I’m not 'aw shucks' … because I'm gnarly. (The Howard Stern Show)"

"I'm on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front."

"I'm still alive, which is pretty cool."

"I didn’t really believe I had "tiger blood" or "Adonis DNA." These were just jokes."

"Most of the time—and this includes naps—I'm an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air, and I will deploy my ordnance to the ground."

"You borrow my brain for 5 seconds, and just be like "Dude, can't handle it, unplug this bastard", because it fires in a way that is, I don't know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm."

"I don't have time for these clowns. I don't have time for their judgement and their stupidity. They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then look at me and they say 'I can't process it'. Well no, and you never will. Stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show."

"I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips."

"(on whether he is bipolar.) Wow, what does that mean? … What's the cure? Medicine? Make me like them? Not going to happen. I'm bi-WINNING! I win here and I win there. Now what?"

"He Lenny Dykstra] might be Nails, but I'm frickin' bayonets."

""The Goddesses"? I don't believe the term is good enough, but when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best choice available."

"I'm so tired of pretending my life isn't perfect and bitching and just winning every second."

"You don't pay prostitutes to come to your house; you pay them to leave."

"I didn't want to have my wife in the movie fucked by Robert Redford. Besides, to show, in the end, that the million dollars didn't mean anything to the guy by having him buy at an auction an elephant, or whatever the fuck it was, for a million bucks? I mean, the millionaire's already fucked your wife, man, keep the fucking cash!"

"I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee."

"I probably took more than anybody could survive. … I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear, GO!. … I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. … Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs."

"I blinked and I cured my brain."

"Can't is the cancer of happen."

"There's an old saying in Hollywood: It's not the length of your film, it's how you use it."

"All those rumors about her being underweight are trash. She's gorgeous."

"People like to define you through what they’ve seen you do … There are aspects of my personality, I guess, that come through on-screen, but I don’t sit around thinking, I’ve been a bumbling suitor all my life."

"When I didn’t have a family, I was much more of a workaholic … I still like to work, but I also want to be home with them. As you get older, you realize you need balance. If it’s not fun, what’s the point?"

"We covered "Hey Jude." My father panicked, misunderstanding the lyrics and thinking our lead singer was belting out "Hey, Jew" to a roomful of Holocaust survivors."