"[having just pressed the torpedo self-destruct; to weapons officer] Now, understand, Commander: The torpedo did not self-destruct. You heard it hit the hull. [shows CIA ID] And I... was never here."

"In terms of logic and politics, The Hunt for Red October is most peculiar, but it's not without its entertaining moments. It's an elegy for those dear, dark, terrible days of the cold war, when it was either them or us, and before the world had become so thoroughly fractured that it's no longer possible to know exactly who the thems are."

"Fred Thompson - Rear Admiral Joshua Painter - USS Enterprise"

"Larry Ferguson - Chief of the Boat Watson - USS Dallas"

"Well, actually, it's an electro-nuclear-magnet. It's the next inevitable phase."

"Wait — you have a Herkimer battle jitney? That's the finest nonlethal military vehicle ever made!"

"It's a psycho-frakulator! It creates a-a cloud of radically fluctuating deviant chaotrons, which penetrate the synaptic relays. It's concantenated with a-a synchronous transport switch that creates a virtual tributary! It's focused onto a biobolic reflector and what happens is, is that hallucinations become reality... and the brain is literally fried from within."

"I can trick that out with a clam-shell holster. It comes with a leather carrying case. It's got a wadcutter and a full warranty."

"That's a high-temperature fabric adhesive liquid projector, based on simple dry-cleaning technology. You aim that at a guy, and I'll tell you something: his clothes get so tight he can't even breathe."

"(creepy, ominous dude at tryouts) "I...am BALLERINA MAN!" ~Ballerina Man"

""WAFFLE MAAAAN! Yeah, I'm the Waffler! Golden Crispy! Bad guys are history! YEEEAAAH!" ~The Waffler"

""His name's Mr. Furious, and his power comes from his boundless rage." ~ Monica"

""You can't hurt me, Baby Bowler. 'Cause I'm protected by the god of hair care." ~ Tony P"

""Jeffrey, are you on the marijuana?" ~ Blue Raja's mother"

"[Bestowing precious cutlery to her son, having discovered his true identity] "These belonged to your great-great grandmother. I was saving them for your wedding day, but from the looks of it, that day... it's probably a long way off." ~ Blue Raja's mother"

""Dig this, Shovel Man!" ~ Tony C"

""Just... be... Roy. Okay?" ~ Monica"

""Flip the switch, lady. Don't stare at me, lift your left arm and flip it, you moron! You're a MORON! You're a MORON!" ~ Captain Amazing"

""This contraption is, in fact, a weapon of mass destruction. Casanova plans to turn it against the city at midnight." ~ Captain Amazing"

""Kill ya later — super-losers!" ~ Tony P"

""Okay, okay — the Six Very Nearly Dead Guys With a Temporary Reprieve. That's it! That's your name!" ~ Tony P"

""P.M.S. Avenger. I only work four days a month. Is there a problem with that?" ~ P.M.S. Avenger"

""I'm the guy that gave your daddy the shaft!" ~ Tony P (to the Bowler)"

""I believe in you, Daddy." ~ Roland (Shoveler's son)"

""Baby, you shovel better than any man I've ever known... but that does not make you a superhero. You're a good husband, and a good father. Nothing more." ~ Lucille (Mrs. Shoveler)"

""You know, tooth decay and gingivitis can be a crime. That's why I use Mighty Whitey toothpaste. Because I want my teeth to look — Amazing!" ~ Captain Amazing in TV commercial"

""You keep dreaming... wanna-be!" ~ Officer Maguire"

"I say, 'What the FORK?'"

"But, seeing as it is your first night I shall FORKgive you if you FORKget."

"I knew I should have brought my large pie-server."

"The point is, your boy's a Limey fork-flinger, mother. Hard cheese to swallow, I know, but there it is."

"There aren't any evil trios, are there? No — they all have to travel in gangs like little babies."

"[practicing his superhero banter]"Well, well, well — if it isn't our old friends the Red-Eyes. Good evening, gentlemen. We weren't expecting to see you again so...spoon!""

"He is rather ripping, isn't he? With the spinning and the hurting and the kicking..."

"Allow me to introduce myself: the Blue Raja, Master of Silverware. Forks a speciality."

"We're not your classic heroes. We're not the favorites. We're the other guys. We're the guys nobody ever bets on."