"Mike Dexter is an asshole. For the past decade, he has made a hobby of my pain. Witness exhibit A: my eighth grade science project - a working rain forest that Mike threw out a third floor window. It rains here no more. Witness exhibit B: an eye patch I wore for a month after Mike beaned me with a raisin in home ec. My parents took me to a 3D film festival; I saw no third dimension. And of course, how can I forget the pudding incident? I know no one else has. Well gentlemen, tonight Mike Dexter will know humiliation. Tonight Mike Dexter will know ridicule. Tonight is the night we fight back. Tonight is our independence night."

"You see the salt on this pretzel? Look at the stars. Some people, they say the stars are billions and billions of tons of hot gas. But I think maybe, maybe it's just God's salt. And God's just waiting to eat us."

"Seth Green — Kenny Fisher"

"All right this is it. It is finally time for Kenny Fisher to become... da man. Now I've done my laps, and all ten finalists are present and accounted for. Ten lovely ladies, yo. Each one at my disposal. Ten willing and able tour guides into the theme park of love. But who will it be? Which of you gorgeous ten will be the lucky one?"

"Angel Stripper: Fate. There is fate. But it only takes you so far, because once you're there, it's up to you to make it happen."

"[narrating] It was October, freshman year. First time in history that I'd ever missed the bus. If I had arrived on time, I never would've seen her. But as it was, I was the first person at Huntington Hills High to set eyes on Amanda Beckett. It was her first day at school. Then, I'm sitting in class enjoying a late breakfast when out of all the classrooms in the entire school, she walks into mine. And where does the teacher sit her? Right next to me! Now, up until now, one could write this off to coincidence. But then she reaches in her bag and pulls out a strawberry Pop-Tart - the very same breakfast pastry I was consuming at that moment! What was I to do? How was I to proceed?"

"Jason Segel — Matt, Watermelon Guy"

"I don't know about you, but I really believe that there's one person out there, and for me it's gotta be Amanda."

"Yesterday's history. Tomorrow's the future. Tonight's the party!"

"Jaime Pressly — Beth"

"Clea Duvall — Jana"

"Fergie — Voice of Jezebel"

"Kiefer Sutherland — Voice of Bosco"

"Damon Wayans Jr. — Voice of Thunder"

"Christopher Mintz-Plasse — Voice of Giuseppe"

"Steve Coogan — Voice of Raisin"

"Owen Wilson — Voice of Marmaduke"

"[repeated line] Marmaduke!"

"George Lopez — Voice of Carlos"

"No, not the stereo!"

"Oh, Marmaduke."

"♪ Lullaby, lullaby. All the humans are sleeping. ♪"

"This grass is so green! And this by far, the nicest bathroom I've ever had. Speaking of which, little privacy, please."

"BEE! I can't see! BEE!!"

"Try being a 200 pound teenage dog with a radar dish wrapped around your neck. Oh yeah. That will make me real popular."

"Hot cheese!"

"Marlon Wayans — Voice of Lightning"

"Ejector seat. Never fails."

"Emma Stone — Voice of Mazie"

"Get this seaweed off me! It burns!"

"Glenn McCuen — Bodie"

"Mandy Haines Milana Haines — Sarah"