"[confronted by his son over taking on Mason Dixon] Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth, but you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life. Don't forget to visit your mother."

"Burt Young - Paulie Pennino"

"Tony Burton - Tony "Duke" Evers"

"Milo Ventimiglia - Robert Balboa"

"Antonio Traver - Mason "The Line Dixon""

"Sylvester Stallone - Rocky Balboa"

"Ajay Naidu - M. Night Shyamalan (uncredited)"

"Method Man"

"Klimaszewski Twins - Coors Light Twins"

"Tom Kenny - Aliens (voice, uncredited)"

"Edward Moss - MJ (Michael Jackson)"

"Fat Joe - Himself"

"Marny Eng - Tabitha"

"Simon Cowell - Himself"

"Jeremy Piven - Ross Giggins"

"Darrell Hammond - Father Muldoon"

"Eddie Griffin - Orpheus"

"Queen Latifah - Aunt Shaneequa/The Oracle"

"Ja Rule - Agent Thompson"

"D. L. Hughley - John Wilson"

"Denise Richards - Annie Logan"

"Jianna Ballard - Sue"

"Drew Mikuska - Cody"

"Jenny McCarthy - Kate"

"Pamela Anderson - Becca"

"George Carlin - The Architect"

"Camryn Manheim - Trooper Champlin"

"Kevin Hart - CJ"

"Anthony Anderson - Mahalik"

"Charlie Sheen - Tom Logan"

"Leslie Nielsen - President Harris"

"Regina Hall - Brenda Meeks"

"Simon Rex - George Logan"

"Anna Faris - Cindy Campbell"

"Great Trilogies Come In Threes."

"[Holding Michael Jackson outside of a window] How do you like it?"

"[after the rappers kill each other in a shoot-out] These men died for their country; send flowers to their bitches and hos."

"Right. Let's see if we can steer that course keeping everybody deeply disturbed. We don't want a panic. Very few presidents have faced a crisis like this. [goes over to a portrait of President Ford] I wonder what President Ford would've done. Well, if the buck stops here... The buck stops here."

"[after watching a rap battle] I thought you were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic. [both rappers pull out their guns and shoot him]."

"She scared the horses, killed the puppies, hid the remote. Really sick shit. My wife killed her by drowning her in a nearby well. I thought a time-out would have been fine."

"I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her... Linda."