Satirists From England

"He told me I might judge of the happiness of this state by this one thing - viz. that this was the state of life which all other people envied; that kings have frequently lamented the miserable consequence of being born to great things, and wished they had been placed in the middle of the two extremes, between the mean and the great; that the wise man gave his testimony to this, as the standard of felicity, when he prayed to have neither poverty nor riches. He bade me observe it, and I should always find that the calamities of life were shared among the upper and lower part of mankind; but that the middle station had the fewest disasters."

"What is one man's safety is another man's destruction."

"No panegyric needs their praise record; An Englishman ne'er wants his own good word."

"The grand contention's plainly to be seen, To get some men put out, and some put in."

"Wherever God erects a house of prayer, The Devil always builds a chapel there; And 'twill be found, upon examination, The latter has the largest congregation."

"Women, in my observation, have little or no difference in them, but as they are or are not distinguished by education."

"The art of war, which I take to be the highest perfection of human knowledge."

"Self-destruction is the effect of cowardice in the highest extreme."

"From this amphibious ill-born mob began That vain, ill-natured thing, an Englishman."

"I cannot believe that God ever design'd the Riches of the World to be useless to the World; that the Gold, the Silver, the Diamonds, and other Species of such Immense Worth and Value, was ever created in the Bowels of the Mountains, and the most hidden Parts of the World to lye buried there, and remain unprofitable, till they come to be melted down again in the General Conflagration."

"To know Trade then is to know the World: And I may farther observe, That if any one Nation could govern Trade, that Nation would govern the World; could it give Laws to the Commerce, it would give Laws to the People, and the whole World would be its Dependents and Subjects."

"Like Eden Fruitful, like Arabia Gay, So blest, they scarcely know for what to pray; England in native Glory ever springs; A Country fitted for the View of Kings."

"The royal refugee our breed restores With foreign courtiers and with foreign whores, And carefully repeopled us again, Throughout his lazy, long, lascivious reign."

"A true-bred merchant is the best gentleman in the nation."

"Let us see in a few Words what Nature and Providence has done for us; nay, what they have done for us exclusive of the rest of the World. The Bounty of Heaven has stor'd us with the Principles of Commerce, fruitful of a vast variety of Things essential to Trade, and which call upon us as it were in the Voice of Nature, bidding us work, and with annex'd Encouragement to do so from the visible apparent Success of Industry. Here the Voice of the World, is plain, like the Answer of an Oracle, thus Dig and Find, Plow and Reap, Fish and Take, Spin and Live; in a word, Trade and Thrive; and this with such extraordinary Circumstances, that it is as if there was a Bar upon the neighbouring Nations, and it had been spoken from Heaven thus: These are for you only, and not for any other Nation; you, my Favourites, of England; you singled out to be great, opulent, powerful, above all your Neighbours, and to be made so by your own Industry and my Bounty."

"Wise men affirm it is the English way Never to grumble till they come to pay."

"Nature has left this tincture in the blood, That all men would be tyrants if they could."

"It is better to have a lion at the head of an army of sheep than a sheep at the head of an army of lions."

"'Tis very strange Men should be so fond of being thought wickeder than they are."

"Above all, I have followed that sure Rule in our Tongue, and which, were it observed, would, I believe, be acknowledged to be the best Rule in all Tongues, (viz) to make the Language plain, artless, and honest, suitable to the Story, and in a Stile easie and free, with as few exotick Phrases and obsolete Words as possible, that the meanest Reader may meet with no Difficulty in the Reading, and may have no Obstruction to his searching the History of things by their being obscurely represented."

"In trouble to be troubled Is to have your trouble doubled."

"That heterogeneous thing, an Englishman."

"There are some secret springs in the affections which, when they are set a-going by some object in view, or, though not in view, yet rendered present to the mind by the power of imagination, that motion carries out the soul, by its impetuosity, to such violent, eager embracings of the object, that the absence of it is insupportable."

"He's one of those people who is completely and utterly irreplaceable. One of the things he did was to form the basis of what one would call the new comedy of the 1960s and 1970s. His achievement is absolutely extraordinary."

"Obviously, he was the first — he was the Governor. Right from the start with those very precocious sketches for the Cambridge Footlights and through Beyond the Fringe, he was an exceptional talent... Every 10 years or so you always get a new generation of comedians but they all acknowledge their debt to Peter."

"I didn't know dirty words could be done that artfully."

"The first time I saw Peter what made the impression was the visual content of what he and Dudley Moore were doing. It was Not Only, But Also..., and Pete and Dud were dressed up as nuns and were bouncing up and down on a trampoline. I rolled off my seat. I thought I'd ever seen anything so hilarious or so surreal or so... well... beautiful. I spent the next four or five years trying to emulate that sort of visual surprise."

"I realised what everyone else had been talking about: the brilliance of Peter's humour. It was brilliant and it was luminous. And it was... easy. Not easy for you and me to come to... but easy for him. It just rolled out of him... almost as if he didn't need to think about it."

"Peter never had any regrets in his life. I never heard him voice any regrets. He didn't regret the fact that he lost his early facility, he didn't regret the fact that he lost his looks, which he did quite spectacularly, he didn't regret the fact that Dudley had gone on to fame and fortune in Hollywood. The only regret he regularly voiced was that, at the house we all shared in Fairfield, Connecticut in 1963, he'd saved David Frost from drowning."

"He got used early to the adulation of a wide public and eventually decided that he could do without it; long before the end, fame had to chase him far harder than he chased it. But among his fellow practitioners his lustre was undimmed, unequalled. and unchallenged. … Just as the astronauts riding up on their rockets all worshipped Chuck Yeager, the jet pilot who never joined them in space because he flew too well with wings, so the media millionaires all knew that Cook was the unsurpassable precursor who had done it all before they did, and done it better."

"He wasn't just a genius, he had the genius's impatience with the whole idea of doing something again. He reinvented an art form, exhausted its possibilities, and just left it. There is always something frightening about that degree of inventiveness... He didn't lose his powers. He just lost interest in proving that he possessed them."

"I remember being moved to tears when Peter said: "I know I was funny but I know I won't improve, I won't get any better". I was lucky to be around when he was at his peak. Verbally he was the most witty man that I have ever come across and strangely inventive."

"It is a sad fact that when people are really enjoying themselves and laughing immoderately, they can afterwards remember very little of the conversation, very few of the jokes. There was the famous occasion when Peter addressed a group of revellers at a lunch celebrating 25 years of Private Eye. Almost everyone who was there, myself included, will tell you it was the funniest, most brilliant speech they had ever heard. But ask us to recall the jokes and there will be a complete blank. Peter's funniest performances were generally of this impromptu, unscripted variety."

"Have you the wing?"

"The funniest man who ever drew breath."

"And wuv, twue wuv, wiww fowwow you fowevah —"

"You are now to retire, as indeed should I, carefully to consider your verdict of "Not Guilty"."

"Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam."

"Being British in this part of the century meant living in the country that had Peter Cook in it. There are wits and there are clowns in comedy, I suppose. Peter was a wit, it goes without saying, but he was funny in an almost supernatural way that has never been matched by anyone I've met or even heard about. It wasn't to do with facial expression or epigrammatic wit, or cattiness or rant or anger or technique: he had funniness in the same way that beautiful people have beauty or dancers have line and grace. He had an ability to make people gasp and gasp and gasp for breath like landed fish."

"You will probably have noticed that three of the defendants have very wisely chosen to exercise their inalienable right not to go into the witness box to answer a lot of impertinent questions. I will merely say that you are not to infer from this anything other than that they consider the evidence against them so flimsy that it was scarcely worth their while to rise from their seats and waste their breath denying these ludicrous charges..."

"Tell God not to go away. I'll be back in a minute."

"I've done a good deed. I gave that little twit his soul back. Wasn't that generous?"

"And the magic word: Julie Andrews!"

"I'll leave with a story whose victim, Sir David Frost, won't mind it being told, because he tells it himself. David Frost rang Peter Cook up some years ago. "Peter, I'm having a little dinner party on behalf of Prince Andrew and his new bride-to-be Sarah Ferguson. I know they'd love to meet you, big fans; Be super if you could make it: Wednesday the twelfth." "Hang on... I'll just check my diary." Pause and rummaging and leafing through diary noises. And then Peter said "Oh dear. I find I'm watching television that night.""

"Job was what you'd technically describe as a loony."

"In the words of Marcel Proust — and this applies to any woman in the world — if you can stay up and listen with a fair degree of attention to whatever garbage, no matter how stupid it is that they're coming out with, till ten minutes past four in the morning... you're in."

"All right, you great git, you've asked for it. I'll cover the world in Tastee-Freez and Wimpy Burgers. I'll fill it with concrete runways, motorways, aircraft, television, automobiles, advertising, plastic flowers, frozen food and supersonic bangs. I'll make it so noisy and disgusting that even you'll be ashamed of yourself! No wonder you've so few friends; you're unbelievable!"

"There was a time when I used to get lots of ideas... I thought up the Seven Deadly Sins in one afternoon. The only thing I've come up with recently is advertising."

"The thing that makes you know that Vernon Ward is a good painter is if you look at his ducks, you can see the eyes follow you around the room."

"You realize that suicide's a criminal offense — In less enlightened times they'd have hung you for it."