"[to Banky] Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember, for likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also, obviously, the character basis for your intellectual property, Bluntman & Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky... you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a very actionable position."

"[grabs Jay and yells at him] THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR SAID "Critters of Hollywood"! YOU DUMB FUCK!"

"(After being told he is wearing pansy red booties) Holy fuck I am wearing pansy red booties! Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"

"(On videotape) I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. No one rules a C.L.I.T. like me. Not this little fuck, none of you little fucks out there. I am the C.L.I.T. commander! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it."

"(While humping Silent Bob's leg) I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing the monkey! Stealing the little monkey!"

"Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls because they both in fact lick balls. Motherfucker. It's time we wrote something back. Type this shit down. All you motherfuckers are gonna pay! You are the ones who are the ball-lickers! We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is making the movie, we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made them eat. Then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob."

"What? I have a wiping problem. I stick those little pieces of paper up my brown eye, and BAM! No shit stains on my undies. What, you don't believe me? Let me show you. Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks so you can see the fucking stink nuggets!"

"What the fuck is The Internet?"

"Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?"

"15 bucks, little man, Put that shit in my hand If that money doesn't show Then you owe me, owe me, owe"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Mother mother fuck, Mother mother fuck fuck, Mother fuck mother fuck, Noise, noise, noise. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, Noise, noise, noise. Smoking weed, smoking whizz, Doing coke, drinking beers, Drinking beers, beers, beers, Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts. Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts! Rolling blunts and smoke the b..."

"Marguerite Moreau - Katie"

"Jared Reiter - Roger the Master Broom Balancer"

"H. Jon Benjamin - Can of Mixed Vegetables"

"Judah Friedlander - Ron"

"Marisa Ryan - Abby"

"Bradley Cooper - Ben"

"Kevin Sussman - Steve"

"Amy Poehler - Susie"

"Joe Lo Truglio - Neil"

"Ken Marino - Victor"

"Elizabeth Banks - Lindsay"

"A.D. Miles - Gary"

"Zak Orth - J.J."

"Michael Ian Black - McKinley"

"Michael Showalter - Gerald "Coop" Cooperberg / Alan Shemper"

"Christopher Meloni - Gene"

"Paul Rudd - Andy"

"Molly Shannon - Gail von Kleinenstein"

"David Hyde Pierce - Henry Newman"

"Janeane Garofalo - Beth"

"It was the last day of summer camp. It was the first day of the third week in August."

"High Times. Hard Bodies. Soft Rock."

"If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass, just be honest about it. Look Gene, I've never told anyone this before, but I can suck my own dick, and I do it a lot."

"Listen, Coop - last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this: Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and fuck his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you. But you're really nice, I mean everybody thinks so. And, I'm sorry if this isn't the direction you saw things going between us. I still totally wanna be friends. You better write me a letter, okay?"

"OK, stop! I feel like I'm watching regional theatre, you guys! God, am I in the Cleveland Playhouse or something? Your craft is a muscle, you need to exercise it! Take a break! Think about what you've done."

"Before we start, I'd just like to say the campers you're about to see suck dick! But nevertheless, please welcome them."

"Oh, fuck my cock!"

"You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore."

"As everybody knows, this week is the big culminating, climactic game against evil Camp Tigerclaw. We have put together an unlikely team of misfits, and we've been training like crazy all summer. Yeah, it's a motley crew that you'd think would never be able to win a single game. We had a kooky training period where it seemed like... well, it seemed like NOTHING was gonna go right. But, guys, somehow we made it to the finals. So I say, when those anonymously evil campers from Camp Tigerclaw get here, we give it our best shot, and we try to come from behind at the last minute with some weird trick play that we made up and we win the game. What do you say, team?"

"Wait, Katie! When we first started hanging out together this morning, we were just friends, but things change, and I've fallen in love with you. And, I ju-I just know that if you gave me a chance, I could make you feel so good. So, I'm coming to you, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man, a man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her and provide for her, and yes-have sex with her, but no seriously Katie, I-I love the way you laugh and I love the way your hair smells and I-I love it that sometimes for no reason you're late for shul, and I don't care that you're bowlegged and I don't care that you're bilingual, all I know is that I would have said no to every single person on your list because I've always wanted you."

"[to Katie] I want you inside me!"

"I love sluts! Sluts rock! It's just, you know, it's just gotta be the right slut, you know?"

"McKinley, four lower campers are stuck in the ropes course. I meant to tell you about that yesterday, but could you get to it now?"

"Well, we've made it to the end of the summer in one piece, except for a few campers who are lepers."

"I've done a lot of lying in my time. I've lied to men who wear belts. I've lied to men who wear suspenders. But I'd never be so stupid as to lie to a man who wears both belt and suspenders."

"Bad news sells best. 'Cause good news is no news."

"Frank Jaquet - Sam Smollett"

"Gene Evans - Deputy Sheriff"

"Frances Dominguez - Mama Minosa"