"Actually, it's been said that one has more chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a piano player like Colin Sell... which is why we all spent most of last week standing out in the rain holding metal rods."

"Musical accompaniment will be provided in this round at the piano by Colin Sell. Actually, listeners may be fascinated to learn that before Christmas, Colin was employed to play the piano for The Stranglers. You can imagine how things were livened up in that turkey abbatoir."

"Actually, we were all very impressed to learn that Colin once played alongside Roy Orbison. Orbison, of course, was nicknamed 'The Big O', and in turn, he affectionately referred to Colin as 'That Little C'..."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who tells me that his musical influences are Middle-Eastern in origin... mostly Shi'ite!"

"... the man who put the C into rap music ... Colin Sell!"

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, a man who doesn't know the meaning of "disharmony". He also has problems with the words "stop", "that", "dreadful" and "racket"."

"Jack Dee: "Incidentally, you may be interested to know that Colin was once invited to produce albums for The Smiths in Manchester, before being headhunted by the Snappy Snaps in Wigan.""

"Jack Dee: "You may not realise it, but Colin is worshipped at the piano. Every time he comes on stage, people say 'Oh God, Colin Sell!'""

""Dear Mr. Duggleby, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why does my typewriter always stick on the letter 'Y'?"

""Dear Ned, I'm on the train!"

""Dear David Dickinson, I can sum up why the BBC have your programme on TV every night in three words: Cheap As Chips."

""Dear Mrs Lawley, Here's an idea: How about a celebrity version of 'Desert Island Disks'?"

"A Mrs Trellis of North Wales has written in to complain that the show has 'an enormous fistful of rampant innuendo rammed into every crack', but only a truly filthy-minded person would think such a thing."

"Dear Mr Titchmarsh: This morning I went out to dig up some dandelions and a giant hogweed on my lawn. The filthy beast! Yours faithfully, Mrs Trellis."

"Dear Mr Melly: Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole: tempt them up with a carrot and pull them out by their long floppy ears."

"Dear Rolf: They say a dog isn't just for Christmas. How true. You can use it for sandwiches all through January."

"Jack Dee: "Dear Jock: Isn't it disgraceful the way certain game shows rig their results by pretending to choose winners at random? Yours in disgust, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Send the book token to the usual address.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear teams: When I noticed in the Radio Times that your show was back, there were three big ticks next to the listing, so I sprayed them with DDT. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Pick of the Week: I do wish you'd use your hankey. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Eddie Mair: Here's my favourite sound for your PM programme Listener's Favourite Sound feature - it's my radio off switch! *click* - Yours Silently, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Shipping Forecast: I'm no prude, but why do doggers need to know which way the wind is blowing? Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Canterbury today is an interesting mix of traditional and modern buildings, due to the large number of bombs dropped during the last war. Even now the authorities regularly uncover unstable cases carrying decaying material which have to be handled with the greatest of care. Let me introduce four of them."

"You join us again at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham, where we've attracted a capacity audience of some 700, odd people."

"It's well documented in official records that the City's original name was 'Snottingham', or 'Home of Snots', but when the Normans came, they couldn't pronounce the letter 'S', so decreed the town be called 'Nottingham' or the 'Home of Notts'. It's easy to understand why this change was resisted so fiercely by the people of Scunthorpe."

"Close by is Wycombe Air Park. This houses a fine collection of vintage aircraft including the Vickers Boxkite biplane, which one Bert Hinkler flew here in 1921. Racing the express train from London, he won by a full eleven minutes. Now aged 103, Mr. Hinkler celebrated by repeating the event in October this year...and beat the train by seven and a half hours. It would have been more, but the chain kept falling off his bike."

"During Tudor times, Hull's customs levies on Humber shipping resulted in a feud with neighbouring Beverley. Eventually, the nuns of Beverley convent rose in revolt, and laid seige to Hull. This worried Henry VIII, who sent a heavily armed force immediately he heard the town was being terrorised by the Beverley sisters."

"Jack Dee: "Leeds was the birthplace of two of Britain's most venerable writers of comedy - Alan Bennett and our own Barry Cryer. Alan Bennett recently donated the entire collection of his writings to the nation. Barry considered doing the same but everyone convinced him he couldn't give his work away.""

"Jack Dee: "Crawley is often referred to as the Barcelona of West Sussex, mainly by people who've never been to Barcelona... or Crawley... or have never left their own house.""

"As the frisky tomcat of fate confronts the scalpel of destiny, and the precious natural woodland of time meets the motorway extension of eternity..."

"As the Ford Anglia of time fails the MOT test of eternity, and the dappled donkey of fate ambles toward the abbetoir of destiny..."

"As the loose boweled pigeon to time swoops low over the tourist of destiny, and the unlicensed mini-cab of fate gets lost in the one-way system of eternity..."

"As the short-sighted rhino of time attempts to mount the VW beetle of eternity, and the rubber glove of hope gets lost in the Aberdeen Angus of destiny..."

"Graeme Garden: "The Blair Bush Project.... actually that was pretty scary!""

"Miles Jupp: "Night of the Living Happily in Surrey.""

"Graeme Garden: "It's Alright To Look Now.""

"As the hunter of time blasts the moose of destiny, and as the dairy counter worker of fate grabs the mop of destiny..."

"Jack Dee: "As the electric drill of time bores into the plaster of destiny, and the howl of agony erupts from the patient with a broken leg...""

"Jack Dee: "As the rabbit of time is chased by the Labrador of fate, and the David Blunkett of destiny is dragged screaming round Walthamstow dog track...""

"Lionel Blair & Christopher Biggins recently appeared on Stars in Their Eyes, where Lionel singing Maggie May came second to his old teammate. Biggins said that Lionel's Rod was outstanding but he easily had it licked..."

"The next round is called 'Cheddar Gorge' and it's just one of many parlour games inspired by English place names. There's also Barrow-in-Furness which involves burning garden implements, Sellafield, where the object is to try to flog off a plot of contaminated land, and of course we musn't forget Broadstairs, a game for people who are too fat to use the lift."

"Barry Cryer: "The Knicker Man.""

"If at any point I disapprove strongly you'll hear this (*blows horn*), unless I give Samantha a go, in which case you'll hear this (*lady screams*)."

"This week we can promise you a nail-biting contest... followed by a nose-picking contest."

"Some experts believe that it might take its title from a town in Ireland, which is generally associated with meaningless nonsense. Ballykissangel."

"Samantha tell us she has to nip off now to see her gentleman beautician friend now, who has a leg hair treatment for her. He lays ribbons of sticky wax paper on her thighs and then lets them dry. Then, Samantha says, she likes to watch as he rips the paper strips and wax off for her..."

"Graeme Garden: "Bring Me the Head of...Oh, No; Here It Is!""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Around IKEA in 80 Days.""

"Barry Cryer: "Night Nurse on Elm Street.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Tale of Mr. Tiggy's Winkle.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "Seven Dwarfs for Seven Samurai.""