Novelists From The United States

"Is it the part of the police department to harass me when this city is a flagrant vice capital of the civilized world?" Ignatius bellowed over the crowd in front of the store. "This city is famous for its gamblers, prostitutes, exhibitionists, anti-Christs, alcoholics, sodomites, drug addicts, fetishists, onanists, pornographers, frauds, jades, litterbugs, and lesbians, all of whom are only too well protected by graft."

""With the breakdown of the Medieval system, the gods of Chaos, Lunacy, and Bad Taste gained ascendancy."

"You can always tell employees of the government by the total vacancy which occupies the space where most other people have faces."

"The human desire for food and sex is relatively equal. If there are armed rapes, why should there not be armed hot dog thefts?"

"When Fortuna spins you downward, go out to a movie and get more out of life."

""The war had been on for quite a while now when Poppa got his notice from the draft. He didn't have to go, but he more or less enlisted. Mother and I and Aunt Mae went down to the train to see him off, and when he left he kissed Mother and he cried, and I'd never seen a man cry before. The train pulled away, and we stood there and watched it go, and Mother kept looking long after it had passed around the hill."

"Cynthia: Of all the times to come out to your family, I had to do it right before the last presidential debate. Damn that John Kerry! Ginger: Cynthia, I'm sorry your parents are having a meltdown, but it's hardly John Kerry's fault. Cynthia: When he called Mary Cheney a lesbian, I felt like I had been drop-kicked. Ginger: Well, Mary Cheney is a lesbian, and you're a political football."

"Sparrow: Oh my God. I'm a trained professional. I can't believe I didn't see it sooner! The mind games... the use of isolation... the accusations about being unfaithful... the obsessive keeping track... preventing the other person from getting a job... Stuart, we're in an abusive relationship with the Bush administration!"

"Sydney: [proposing to Mo] Will you do me the honor of paradoxically reinscribing and destabilizing hegemonic discourse with me?"

"Samia: I'm all the trouble you need. Do you know why I invited you here? Ginger: For the Brussels sprouts tartare? Samia: For the long, discreet tablecloths."

"Jezanna: Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chain store jobs!"

"Bookstore boss: [to Mo] The self-service kiosks have enabled us to cut down on staff, but some customers still feel the need to speak to an actual human. That's where you come in. Customer: Excuse me, do you carry Jewish New Year cards? Boss: I'm sorry, our New Years cards don't come in till November. But we'll be getting Jewish Christmas cards then, too!"

"Lois: You're never gonna meet anyone hanging around here with the tactical nuclear family."

"... I couldn’t begin to count the films in which women are overlooked, stereotyped, or treated as little more than eye candy. It was for this reason that cartoonist Alison Bechdel first devised a test to measure women’s representation in fiction; a story passes the Bechdel test if it has two named female characters who talk to each other about something other than a man. But even with such a low bar, fewer than half of best picture winners pass."

"Of course I’m delighted that Fun Home has met with such success, but it still strikes me as very unlikely that an odd, cerebral story about a lesbian and her closeted gay suicidal mortician father would have struck a chord with anyone but me."

"Sydney: Imagine the cinematography if Ennis and Jack had been able to live together. Sweeping vistas of their couples therapist's office."

"Raffi: Okay, it's time to make another deposit to my therapy fund."

"Cynthia: To be honest, I've been rethinking things lately. I mean, I'm still a Christian, but I'm definitely transitioning. Janis: Really? Is your mom letting you do hormones? Mine won't."

"Ginger: Oh, jeez. Well, uh... maybe you should talk to someone. Cynthia: I thought I was."

"Mo: The man's clearly a sex addict. He's out of control. Lying, suborning perjury... Sydney: It's this puritanical culture that's the problem. Do people really expect someone with the ruthless lust for power it takes to become president to spend evenings at home with his stamp collection? Mo: Oh, please! You wouldn't be quite so indulgent if it was Newt Gingrich getting blowjobs in the Oval Office. Sydney: Thank you for that image."

"Mo: [to Anjali] Don't you "whatever" me, you postmodern prepubescent!"

"Anjali: Oh, wow. I am tripping out that I actually get to work here! Being constantly surrounded by books! Bringing ideas, poems, and manifestoes to the world! How can you stand it?! Jezanna: That reminds me, Lois. The lube shipment just came in."

"Lois: Oh, you guys have enough to worry about with your careers and all. You don't need to hear about my problems. Ginger: Are you kidding? I'd much rather hear about your problems than work on my dissertation. Lois: Thank you, Ginger. Considering you'd rather fellate Bill Clinton than work on your dissertation, that's very generous."

"[A social worker has shown up to talk about Raffi's adoption during dinner with Toni's parents] Sr. Ortiz: What's going on here? Toni: Uh... mamá y papá, Gwynne... viene de la iglesia! ¡Sí, sí! Y viene para hablar... uh... del bautizo de Rafael! Decidimos que sería bueno que lo bautizaramos! (Mom, dad... Gwynne is... from the church! Yeah! And she's here to talk about, uh... Rafael's christening! We've decided to get him baptized!) Sra. Ortiz: Gracias a Dios! Sr. Ortiz: How very good of you to come, Sister. Gwynne: Back at ya, brother! It's a pleasure in this day and age to meet folks who are so supportive of their daughter's decision. Sra. Ortiz: That is unusual?! This country is even more wicked than I thought! Gwynne: Yes, it's a shame, but many lesbians' parents tend to disapprove. Sr. Ortiz: What does her being a … a homosexual have to do with it? Gwynne: Exactly, Mr. Ortiz! If only more people felt like you!"

"Toni: Mamá... MAMÁ! I'm paying peak long-distance rates here. Could you save the Hail Marys until we hang up?"

"Carlos: Manly-Man Training Academy, Butch speaking! … OH! Señor Ortiz! Sí, this is Toni's number. ...¿¡De qué estás hablando?! ¡No! I'm not the father! I'm just the babysitter, I swear! ¿Qué?! You want me to marry your daughter? Well okay, but I'm keeping my own name!"

"Mo: Thank you, Jillian, for that fascinating, uh, transsexual version of the Oedipus legend, "Oedipal Complex.""

"Clarice: To most people, it's obvious that the Whitewater allegations and the sexual harassment suit are politically motivated. And everyone else is too jaded to care if Bill fucks his cat. Raffi: Fucks! Toni: Do you want the honor of recording that under "Baby's first word," or shall I?"

"Miriam: Look, don't fixate on the due date. It's just an approximation. Only 5 percent of babies actually arrive on it. Most come later, in fact. Clarice: Great! How much later? Two days? Three? Miriam: Let me give you a friendly tip, Clarice. Don't get too hung up on keeping a tight schedule for the next, say, eighteen years or so."

"Thea: Didja make your quota, Lois? Lois: Yup. Kissed a woman from every state in the union. Rhode Island was a drag queen, though. Do you think that counts?"

"Sparrow: Listen, Mo. I have been doing crisis intervention with battered, homeless women and kids all week long. Tonight, I am going to vegetate in front of the TV. If you're so worried about Bosnia, go join the Red Cross."

"Lois: [intercepting a man in the women's bookstore] Can I help you find something, sir? Man: Um... just browsing. Lois: Hmm... I find that publication rather tame myself. Have you ever seen this one? This month there's a hot photo spread of three totally tattooed babes with strap-ons doing an armpit shaving scene. And if you're looking for a real thrill, check out the story, "She Came in Waves," in this new female ejaculation anthology! Man: 'Scuse me, I think I left my car at a hydrant."

"Mo: Uh... sorry. I was just wondering why you're... you know... using that if normally you just use crutches. Thea: Well, the chair is so much more dramatic, don't you think? I use it when I want people to feel extra sorry for me."

"Lois: Hey, Ginger! Are you masturbating in there or what? I wanna show you something! Ginger: [in the tub] If I'm masturbating, will you leave me alone? Lois: No! Check it out. How do I look? Ginger: Like a white girl in a black bra."

"Ginger: Get off it, Mo. If I can't ogle, I don't want to be part of your revolution."

"Mo: Ginger, how can you think about sex at a time like this? Madmen are about to destroy the earth! Ginger: Can you think of a better time? I don't know about you, girl, but I want to have a G-spot orgasm before Armageddon hits."

"Clarice: [getting cold feet] There's still time! Toni: We can just call everyone and say we're terribly sorry but something came up and we have to leave town! Clarice: ...But what about the five gallons of baba ganoush, and all those tofu pups? Toni: Shit. I forgot. Well, I guess we'll just have to go through with it, then."

"Clarice: [proposing to Toni] I'll be your lawyer if you'll be my accountant."

"Lois: Good coffee, huh? Emma: Lois, I think you're a very attractive woman and I'd like to sleep with you. Lois: [chokes] Gak! Ahem! You don't - coff - fool around, do you? Emma: No, but I'd like to."

"Mo: Toni, come on! I know you're in a lot of pain, but you hafta look at the grand scheme of things! Listen, the environment is polluted beyond the point of no return, nickels and dimes are allocated for AIDS research while billions go into radar systems for blowing up civilians in the Persian Gulf, and we've got to spend the next two months being assaulted with hypocritical hype as two morally bankrupt white boys gear up for another electoral farce! Having a rough time in your relationship kinda pales in comparison, huh? Toni: Gee, Mo... thanks. I can always count on you."

"Ginger: [hauling Clarice up stairs in a wheelchair]: This ivory tower needs some ramps! Clarice: What are you saying, Ginger?! Build ramps and anyone could get up!! The whole school would be overrun by black commie dykes in wheelchairs! Really, now!"

"Mo: I... y'know, um... I'm really attracted to you! [thought bubble:] Omigod! Who said that?! Caption: A horrifying silence ensues. Is it an hour, or merely several seconds? Harriet: I've had a crush on you for months. Mo: Thank goddess! I was about to commit hara-kiri with my teaspoon!"

"Harriet: [making an excuse] Um... I'm looking for a copy of The Wheat-Free Guide to Creative Visualization in Co-dependent Past-Life Relationships. Mo: Huh. Jeez, I never heard of that one... Wonder if it's in spirituality or cooking."

"Toni: Well... straight couples get respect when they marry. Maybe we need to make some kind of symbolic affirmation of our commitment to one another! Clarice: You mean... Toni: Yes! Let's open a joint checking account! Clarice: Oh, darling! But this is so sudden!"

"Mo: Thanks for the lentils! I have to go home now and rethink my priorities!"

"Mo: I wish it were me instead of you. Sydney: Yeah. I'm getting the sodium pentothal. You have to go sit with my parents."

"Nurse: Ker... Kru... Crutchoffski, breast conservation? How are we feeling? Sydney: A bit like an endangered wetland."

"Mrs. Pidgeon: That little girl whose mother is in the, um, "threesome." Why do you say she's confused about her gender? She seems perfectly normal to me. Sparrow: Mom, she's a boy. Mrs. Pidgeon: Oh. Well then, I'm not quite so worried about that revealing top. I was going to speak to her mother."

"Sparrow: If you'd get a vasectomy, we wouldn't have to go through this every time. Stuart: But... but you know I want to have a baby eventually. Sparrow: So make some deposits at a sperm bank first. Then we can inseminate like normal people when we're ready."

"Ginger: I can't do this, Lois! I can't go out with a woman who has a child! I'm too young, I tell you! I haven't sown my oats yet! Lois: I think your oats are impacted."