"[on the loudspeaker in reference to his missing palm tree] All right, who did it? Who did it? You are going to stand sweating at those battle stations until someone confesses! It's an insult to the honor of this ship! The symbol of our cargo record has been destroyed, and I'm going to find out who did if it takes all night!"

"[to Lieutenant Commander Morton] Captain, it is I, Ensign Pulver, and I just threw your stinkin' palm tree overboard! Now what's this crud about no movie tonight?"

"[reading Lieutenant, junior grade Douglas A. "Doug" Roberts's letter] "I've been aboard this destroyer for two weeks now, and we've already been through four air attacks. I'm in the war at last, Doc! I've caught up with that task force that passed me by. I'm glad to be here. I had to be here, I guess. But I'm thinking now of you, Doc, and you, Frank, and Dolan, and Dowdy, and Insigna, and everyone else on that bucket. All the guys everywhere who sail from tedium to apathy and back again, with an occasional side trip to monotony. This is a tough crew on here, and they have a wonderful battle record. But I've discovered, Doc, that the unseen enemy of this war is the boredom that eventually becomes a faith and, therefore, a terrible sort of suicide. And I know now that the ones who refused to surrender to it are the strongest of all. Right now, I'm looking at something that's hanging over my desk. A preposterous hunk of brass attached to the most bilious piece of ribbon I've ever seen. I'd rather have it than the Congressional Medal of Honor. It tells me what I'll always be proudest of: that at a time in the world when courage counted most, I lived among 62 brave men."

"[to Lieutenant "Doc"] Then I looked down from our bridge and saw our captain's palm tree. Our trophy for superior achievement! The Admiral John J. Finchley award for delivering more toothpaste and toilet paper than any other Navy cargo ship in the safe area of the Pacific."

"I hate this detail. I hate this fucking chickenshit detail!"

"Luana Anders - Donna"

"Jim Hohn - Nichiren Shoshu Member"

"Gilda Radner - Nichiren Shoshu Member"

"Nancy Allen - Nancy"

"Michael Moriarty - First Lieutenant Marine Duty Officer"

"Carol Kane - Young Whore"

"[to Meadows] Welcome to the wonderful world of pussy, kid."

"Clifton James - M. A. A."

"Randy Quaid - Seaman Laurence M. "Larry" Meadows"

"Otis Young - Gunner's Mate First Class Richard "Mule" Mulhall"

"[to Meadows] Boy, they really stuck it to ya, didn't they, kid! Stick it in and break it off. Up your giggy with a wah-wah brush, stick it in an' break it off."

"Jack Nicholson - Signalman First Class Billy L. "Bad Ass" Buddusky"

"[to Buddusky] I consider myself in jeopardy with you man, understand? In jeopardy. This ain't no farewell party n' he ain't retirin'. Understand? He's a prisoner n' we're takin' 'im to the jailhouse. N' you have a tendency to forget that. You're a menace, man. You ain't no simple shit Bad-Ass, you're a motherfuckin' menace. But from now on, MAA can go piss up a rope! You ain't no honcho! N' I wanna hear no more of this horseshit psychology jive! No more turnin' that boy's head around to prove what a fuckin' big man you are! You're a lifer like me! Navy's the best thing ever happened to me, n' I don't want'cha to fuck me up, y'understand?"

"Just Deux it."

"These men have taken a supreme vow of celibacy, like their fathers, and their fathers before them..."

"I'm not saying I don't trust you, and I'm not saying I do. But I don't."

"Do you know what its like to have your heart shot out of season and tied to the top of a car? How it feels to be passed like the world's largest kidney stone? Ramada... I don't THINK so."

"[to a roomful of Japanese businessmen] It seems like only yesterday I was strafing so many of your homes. Here I am today, begging you not to make such good cars."

"[about to battle Saddam Hussein] We'll settle this the old navy way; The first guy to die LOSES!"

"Looks like the upper hand, is on the other foot!"

"Every time I give an order, it gets screwed up! Plan a reception, wrong hors d'oeuvres. Appoint an ambassador, he leaves the country."

"I had to come. It was a sequel."

"Thank you, Topper. I can kill again! You've given me a reason to live."

"War... it's fantastic!"

"Michelle Huddleston: Now we have to go in to get the men who went in to get the men who went in to get the men."

"News Anchorman: In an emotional address at the state capitol Nebraska Governor, Paul Burmaster made a public apology for his state being so flat."

"Saddam Hussein: Now I will kill you until you die from it!"

"Saddam Hussein: They've dicked with the wrong dictator!"

"The mother of all sequels!"

"Grab your guns! It's Hot Shots Part Deux!"

"Charlie Sheen - Topper Harley"

"Lloyd Bridges - President Thomas "Tug" Benson"

"Valeria Golino - Ramada Rodham Hayman"

"Brenda Bakke - Michelle Huddleston"

"Richard Crenna - Colonel Denton Walters"