"Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises... gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy."

"I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote.""

"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'"

"I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept good. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes.""

"A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add."

"Sometimes you cannot hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time."

"I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."

"When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything."

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

"I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it."

"I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing."

"I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."

"A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and grease spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals."

"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. (p. 235)"

"As a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches, she has a good rite tew them."

"I am poor, and I am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more people mean than it duz generous."

"Their is one advantage in a plurality of wifes; tha fite each other, insted ov their husbands."

"The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it."

"When i cum akrost people who are perfeklty krazy for ventilashun, i say to miself, "that kritter was brought up in a windmill.""

"The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and keap, it klean, aint fit for enny thing else."

"Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long."

"I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men."

"If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one "Doubtful" and the other 3 "Useless"."

"Poor human natur iz too full ov its own grievances tew have enny pitty to spare,--if yu show a man a big bile on yure arm, he will tell yu he had one twice az big az that, on the same spot, last year."

"Misanthropy don't pay--thare aint no man living whoze hate the world cares one cuss for."

"Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too quick--i am one ov that kind miself, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being thare a haff an our too soon."

"I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest and trew man or not--if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister."

"Misplaced charity iz a good blunder tew make. If yu want tew git a good general idea ov a man's karakter find out from him what hiz opinion ov his nabor iz."

"There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller's sister."

"I don't rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing unless thare waz a man or two around."

"Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man out ov the water bi the hair ov the hed, and then letting him drop on the ground."

"Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world--if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in."

"Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country."

"Truth dont require the aid ov elegant and high stepping words, tew express its force, or buty, it iz like water, tastes better out ov a wooden bucket, than it duz out ov a golden goblet."

"Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid; lively streams are alwus shallow."

"Mankind loves misterys--a hole in the ground, excites mor wonder than a star in the heavens."

"Natur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny furse; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the eklipses, and the pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a frog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, and tareing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes."

"Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore sight in the world kant tell a dubble yelked egg untill it iz broken."

"Every man should kno sumthing ov law--if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a prety good lawyer."

"I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn't know miself which waz the right one."

"I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist uopon floating up stream."

"Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes."

"I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man."

"The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able to set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it."

"Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety."

"I dont kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in."

"About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke."

"I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a single virtew. Even Judas Iskariot "went and hanged himself.""