"I am the world's last barman poet! I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make. America is getting stinking on something I stir or shake. The Sex On The Beach...the Schnapps made from peach! The Velvet Hammer...the Alabama Slammer! I make things with juice and froth, the Pink Squirrel...the 3 Toed Sloth. I make drinks so sweet and snazzy, the Iced Tea...the Kamikazi! The Orgasm...the Death Spasm. The Singapore Sling...the Ding a Ling. America you're just devoted to every flavor I've got, but if you want to get loaded...why don't you just order a shot! Bar's open!!"

"Everything ends badly, otherwise, it would never end."

"I like her hair. I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes."

"Branscombe Richmond - Keoki"

"Teila Tuli - Kimo"

"William Baldwin - Himself / Det. Hunter Rush"

"Jason Bateman - Animal Instincts Detective"

"Paul Rudd - Chuck / Kunu"

"Maria Thayer - Wyoma Braden"

"Da'Vone McDonald - Dwayne"

"Liz Cackowski - Liz Bretter"

"Jonah Hill - Matthew Van Der Wyk"

"Bill Hader - Brian Bretter"

"Jack McBrayer - Darald Braden"

"Russell Brand - Aldous Snow"

"Mila Kunis - Rachel Jansen"

"Kristen Bell - Sarah Marshall"

"Jason Segel - Peter "Pete" Bretter"

"A comedy about getting dumped, and taking it like a man."

"When Peter got dumped by his girlfriend, he wanted to get as far away as possible. Apparently... so did she"

"The ultimate romantic disaster movie"

"From the guys who brought you "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up""

"I would rather have my testicles spread wafer thin and then sort of pasted with honey and then have wasps unleashed at my own genitals and then I would like the resulting stings to be covered in vinegar and sort of worn as a swimming cap by a Nazi."

"[In response to Matthew the waiter's question about how Aldous liked his CD] Oh, I was gonna listen to your CD, but then I just went on living my life."

"You've got Christ between your thighs... but with a shorter beard."

"Let me just say that if God was a city planner, he would not put a playground next to a sewage system."

"When life hands you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail."

"Well so far, you're "shared" me out of my home, my bed, my food and my shirt. Now, how about sharing some of my things with me?"

"Nicole Felsette - Dominique"

"Laurelle Felsette - Angelique"

"Jennifer Berrington - Harriet MacGregor"

"Stephanie Berrington - Elizabeth Anderson"

"Verina Greenlaw - Christine"

"Pip Sparke - Anne"

"Sharyl Locke - Jenny"

"Jack Good - Lieutenant Stebbings (Bo Peep)"

"Trevor Howard - Commander Frank Houghton (Big Bad Wolf)"

"Leslie Caron - Catherine Freneau (Goody Two Shoes)"

"Cary Grant - Walter Christopher Eckland (Mother Goose)"

"[Catherine is about to read a list of needs to Frank] Now hold it. You've taken over everything else, but the radio is still my responsibility. [reads from the list] 8 nighties...[gives the list to Catherine and leaves]"

"Maybe if you stopped straightening pictures and let men wear their own pants, maybe they'd be able to touch you without asking "permesso!""

"Let me tell you something. I am not a father figure. I am not an uncle figure, or a brother or a cousin figure. In fact, the only figure I intend being is a total stranger figure."

"I have no people of my own, Chief. I'm my only hope for a hero."

"Ossie Davis - Marshall"

"Amanda Plummer - Dagmar"

"Barry McGovern - Luggage Salesman"

"Dan Hedaya - Mr. Frank Waturi"

"Abe Vigoda - Waponi Chief"