"[as Alyssa] Ladies and gentlemen, normally, I'd be tickled to play a selection from... [briefly eyes the sheet music cover: "Frederic Chopin- Eight Pieces for the Piano"] ... Chopin, but in honor of my new stepmother, whom I absolutely adore, I've decided to play a little something of my own."

"Ellen-Ray Henessy - Fanny Butkis"

"Ernie Grunwald - Harry Butkis"

"Philip Bosco - Vincenzo"

"Jane Sibbett - Clarice Kensington"

"Kirstie Alley - Diane Barrows"

"Steve Guttenberg - Roger Callaway"

"Ashley Olsen - Alyssa Callaway"

"Mary-Kate Olsen - Amanda Lemmon"

"When it comes to making the perfect match...Two heads are better than one! Especially if they look exactly alike."

"Two identical strangers. Two different worlds. One perfect match."

"So, um, may be you and I should, you know, what do you think, Huh?"

"Yul Vazquez - Dead Head Gill Chavez"

"Reg Rogers - George "Bug Guy" Swilling"

"Donal Logue - Priest Brian Norris"

"Lisa Roberts Gillan - Elaine from Manhattan"

"Christopher Meloni - Bob Kelly"

"Paul Dooley - Walter Carpenter"

"Rita Wilson - Ellie Graham"

"Héctor Elizondo - Fisher"

"Joan Cusack - Peggy Flemming"

"Richard Gere - Homer "Ike" Eisenhower Graham"

"Julia Roberts - Margaret "Maggie" Carpenter"

"Dear Editor: Greetings from the sticks. Perhaps you believe that a rural education is focused mainly on hog calling and tractor maintenance rather than reading. Why else would you print a piece of fiction about me and call it fact? I suppose Mr.Graham was too busy thinking up slanderous statements about how I dump men for kicks to bother with something silly like accuracy in reporting, which is understandable because with a man-eater like me on the loose, who has time to check facts? That's why I was surprised to find Mr. Graham's editor was a woman. Call me a sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped we man-eaters could stick together. Anyway, I'm just dropping you big-city folk this little note to say that I have thought of a ritual sacrifice that would satisfy my current appetite: Ike Graham's column on a platter. Yours truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S., I have enclosed a list of the gross factual misinterpretations in your article. There are fifteen."

"There is a distinct possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up."

"You're a cynical, explotive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit."

"A toast to, uh to Maggie's family and friends. May you find yourselves the bulls-eye of an easy target. May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices. And may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes."

"Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me."

"Don't tell me. My doorman's another one of your admirers."

"[Carrie asks Charles's opinion on her wedding dress] It is dangerous! You know, there's nothing more off-putting in a wedding than a priest with an enormous erection, yech!"

"Sophie Thompson – Lydia"

"David Haig – Bernard"

"Anna Chancellor – Henrietta ("Duckface")"

"Rowan Atkinson – Father Gerald"

"Charlotte Coleman – Scarlett"

"David Bower – David"