"As for me, I lost everything: my wife, my book, my job, everything that I thought was important. But I finally knew where I wanted to go. And now I have someone to help me get there."

"I had no business trudging up to James Leer's parents' house in the middle of the night. Not when all that really mattered was trying to make things right with Sarah. But we had decided to rescue James Leer. I wasn't quite sure from what because I was pretty much convinced that everything that came out of James' mouth was basically horseshit. But maybe that really didn't matter. Sometimes people just need to be rescued."

"So there it was. Somewhere in the night, a Manhattan book editor was prowling the streets of Pittsburgh; best-selling author at his side, dead dog in his trunk."

"Whenever I wondered what Sara saw in me, and I wondered more than once, I always came back to the fact that she loved to read. She read everything every spare moment. She was a junkie for the printed word. And lucky for me, I manufactured her drug of choice."

"I want the rest of that money. His money, her money, it's my money. I've had to live with that squealing, corpulent, little toad all these years. God, I hate that woman! I-I... I hate the way she licks stamps! I hate her furniture! And I hate that little sound she makes when she sleeps..."

"Jeannine Bisignano - Hooker in Car"

"Phyllis Applegate - Loan Officer"

"Gary Riley - Heavy Metal Kid"

"J.E. Freeman - Bedroom Killer"

"Bill Pullman - Earl Mott"

"Abita Morris -Carol Dodsworth"

"Helen Slater -Sandy Kessler"

"Judge Reinhold - Ken Kessler"

"Bette Midler - Barbara Stone"

"Danny DeVito - Sam Stone"

"Sam Stone's wife has just been kidnapped... And he doesn't want her back!"

"A tale of two kidnappers who wanted to be merciless but turned out to be hopeless."

"So, if I look like his mother and you look like his father, this is what our son would look like. Pretty strong argument for birth control."

"Oh my God! I've been kidnapped by Huey and Dewey!"

"[answering the phone] Hello? Debbie? Yeah, Debbie's here. Who is this? Well Ralph, Debbie can't talk right now. My dick's in her mouth. How about if I have her call you back later when I'm done? [hangs up] I love wrong numbers."

"Clarence Felder - Lt. Walters"

"Art Evans - Lt. Bender"

"[complaining about his wife's wealthy father] They pulled the plug on him. He wheezed and shook for about an hour and then... he stabilized. That son-of-a-bitch just got older and sicker, and older and sicker, AND OLDER AND SICKER...!"

"[introducing his wife's toy poodle to his new Doberman pinscher] Muffy, meet Adolph. Adolph, EAT MUFFY!"

"Stanley Tucci - Dill Penderghast"

"[voiceover] The rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated. I used to be anonymous, invisible to the opposite sex. If Google Earth were a guy, he couldn't find me if I was dressed up as a 10-story building. Pretty cutting edge stuff, huh? A high school girl feeling anonymous. Who am I? What does it all mean? Why am I here? Blah! But don't worry. This isn't one of those tales, though it sure started out that way. And then it changed pretty quickly when I started lying about some very personal things. So, let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast, being of sound mind and below average breast-size, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... starting now."

"[to Marianne] We've had nine classes together since Kindergarten...ten if you count Religion of Other Cultures, which you didn't because you called it science fiction and refused to go."

"[to Brandon as she removes her panties] Relax. Jesus. What is with you gays? Are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there? A gnome?"

"That's the one thing that trumps religion...capitalism."

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."

"[On webcam] And here you all are. Waiting for me outside the bedroom door for me to kiss Todd. Listening to me pretend to have sex with Brandon. Paying me to lie for you, and calling me every name in the book. And you know what? It was just like Hester in The Scarlet Letter. Except that's the one thing movies don't tell you: how shitty it feels to be an outcast. Warranted or not."

"[on webcam, about Todd] I might even lose my virginity to him. I don't know when it will happen. You know, maybe in five minutes, or tonight, or six months from now, or maybe on the night of our wedding. But the really amazing thing is, it is nobody's goddamn business."

"[to Olive] You've made your bed...I just hope for your sake, you've cleaned the sheets."

"Jesus tells us to love everyone, even the whores and the homosexuals. But it's so hard, it's so hard because they keep doing it, over and over again."

"Principal Gibbons: This is public school. If I can keep the girls off the pole and the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus."

"Mrs. Griffith: I'm the guidance counselor. I should know all the students, especially the ones that dress like prostitutes."

"Let's not and say we did."

"The rumor-filled totally FALSE account of HOW I RUINED my flawless reputation."

"A Comedy about a Good Girl, a Small Favor and a Big Rumor."