"No one wants to die Harold, unfortunately we do. Harold, Harold listen to me. Harold, you will die, some day, some time; heart failure at the bank, choke on a mint. Some long drawn-out disease you've contracted on vacation, you will die. You will absolutely die. Even if you avoid this death, another will find you. And I guarantee, that it won't be nearly as poetic or as meaningful as what she's written. I'm sorry but it's ... it's the nature of all tragedies Harold. The hero dies, and the story goes on forever."

"You have to die. It's a masterpiece."

"Alright, who just said "Harold just counted brush strokes"?"

"Tracey Paleo - Darlene the Secretary"

"SHUT UP! [narrator continues] No I'm not. I'm cursing you stupid voice; so shut up and leave me alone!"

"This may sound like gibberish, but I think I'm in a tragedy."

"I am relieved to know I am not a golem."

"The cookies were good. Thank you for forcing me to eat them."

"Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy... in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And fortunately when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin... or a kind and loving gesture... or a subtle encouragement... or a loving embrace or an offert of comfort. Not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs... and uneaten Danish... and soft-spoken secrets... and Fender Stratocasters... and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are, in fact, here for a much larger and nobler cause: They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange. But i also know that it just so happens to be true."

"Like anything worth writing, it came inexplicably and without method."

"I don't need a nicotine patch, Penny; I smoke cigarettes."

"Is this a joke?"

"Pneumonia. That's an interesting way to die."

"We're imagining car wrecks!"

"Everyone thinks about leaping off a building."

"Little did he know that this simple, seemingly innocuous act would result in his imminent death."

"As much as I would like to, I simply cannot throw Harold Crick off a building."

"And although this was an extraordinary day—a day to be remembered for the rest of Harold's life — Harold just thought it was a Wednesday."

"Harold Crick was a man of infinite numbers, endless calculations and incredibly few words."

"This is a story about a man named Harold Crick. And his wristwatch."

"Bruce Davison - Dr. Jensen"

"Renee Humphrey - Angle"

"Nicky Katt - Pony"

"Tony Solis - Baby"

"Annabella Sciorra - Linda"

"Diana Scarwid - Gail"

"Joseph Mazzello - Dexter"

"Brad Renfro - Erik"

"[Letter to mom] "Dear mom, I've gone with Erik, but I've brought along my medicine so there's no reason to worry. We plan to be careful and sensible. Whatever you do, make sure you remember to tape Star Wars, 8 PM, channel 5. I love you very much. Sincerely, Dexter.""

"Aldo Demeo - Bailiff"

"Guy Rennie - Jack Goldman"

"Gary Morton - Sherman Hart"

"Rashel Novikoff - Aunt Mema"

"Stanley Beck - Artie Silver"

"Jan Miner - Sally Marr"

"Valerie Perrine - Honey Bruce"

"Dustin Hoffman - Lenny Bruce"

"Lenny Said It. "Hot Honey" Did It. Together They Shocked America."

"Lenny's Time Has Finally Come!"

"Jack Goldstein: You'll see! You've got a rough road ahead of you, Sonny! Especially with your dirty mouth and your no-talent wife!"

"Rev. Mooney: He uses words as weapons, to hit people over the head with. To make them recognise they are being hypocritical in every phase of their lives. Words are his tools, and he uses them like a carpenter uses a hammer."

"You do things on dope that normally wouldn't come into your mind to do."

"Oh, I would say, uh, let's see, he was busted at least nine or ten times. Twice for possession of narcotics, and three, four times for obscenity."

"You need the deviate! Don't shut him up! You need that madman to stand up, tell you when you're blowing it! The harder you come down on the deviate, the more you need him!"

"When I'm talking about tits and ass, I'm not up there to shock the audience by repeating those words: "tits and ass, ass and tits, and tits and ass! The point I'm trying to make is that we all live in a hypocritical society!"

"OK, what is dirty? And what is clean? Now, if I had to make a choice, man, I would rather my kid watches a stag movie - than a clean movie, like "King of Kings". Why? Because "King of Kings" is full of killing, and l don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back. And that's what happens in "King of Kings". But tell me about a stag movie where anybody gets punched or killed, man. If you're lucky, you might see someone get tied up... or tapped lightly with a Hickok belt, but for the most part, all you really see during that hour and a half, man, is a lot of hugging and kissing, and moaning and groaning. Oh, God. And then, near the end of the movie, when that one potential instrument of death is revealed: the pillow. That tool the guy might smother the chick with, like in one of those horror flicks. He takes that pillow and gently slides it under the girl's ass. And they go off, and nobody gets hurt or killed. And it's nice! And that's the end of the movie."

"Let's face it, guys are different. And ladies just don't understand this. Because to a lady, cheating means, I know, hugging and kissing and liking somebody. You have to at least like somebody. But, with guys, that doesn't enter into it, man. Because, guys are detached. They're different. You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud. A chicken. A barrel. Anything. A knothole. So, if you know this about guys, would you really feel hurt if you came home and found your husband sitting on the bed with a chicken?"

"I am of Semitic background. I'm Jewish. Now, a Jew, dictionary-style, is one who is descended from one of the ancient tribes of Judea or one who is regarded to have descended from that tribe. But, you and I know what a Jew really is: one who killed our Lord! Now, I don't know if it got much press coverage here on the West Coast, because that all happened a couple a thousand years ago. And although there should be a statute of limitations for the crime, we're still paying the dues. Why do you keep busting our balls for this crime? Why? Because you skirt the issue. You blame it on Roman soldiers. All right, I'm gonna clear the air once and for all, and confess. We did it. My family, I did it. We found a note in the basement, it said: We killed him, signed Morty. There's a good thing we nailed him when we did, because if we had done it within the last 50 years, we'd have to contend with generations of parochial schoolkids running around with little electric chairs hanging around their necks."

"I seem to be under a little pressure here tonight to cool my act. l don't know how many of you know it, but l was arrested, busted, right here on this stage a few nights ago, for saying... No. I'm not gonna say it. Let's see. lt's an 11-letter word, it starts with a C and ends with a G. And it was used - it was used in the context of defending a certain homosexual practice. Actually, though, I don't relate it only to homosexuals. I relate it to any contemporary woman I know! Oh, yeah. Would know or love or marry. I'm sure you do, too, if you're honest, right? Okay, I'd like to ask you all a few questions now, okay? And you're all under oath, all of you. Even standing room only. How many people in this club here tonight have ever used that word: blah-blah-blah? Don't be shy, you can raise your hands. Well, that's cool. Now let's get really honest. You, sir, have you ever had your blah blahed? Hm? It's either yes or no. There's no two ways about it! Okay, how many men in this room have ever had their blah blahed?"