"[First Lines; narrating] This is the city, Los Angeles, California, interfacing humanity, representing every race, color, creed, and persuasion, that God, no matter how he is worshipped, chose, in His infinite wisdom, to deposit here, in the cultural nexus of the Pacific Rim. Almost 4 million people work and play here, and like any other place anywhere, there are those who have it and those who want it. Those who have it, enjoy it, no matter how they got it. Those who want it, can get it by attempting to better themselves in a sympathetic community populated by decent citizens cheering them on. Or else, they can try to take it the easy way. Because even in the City of Angels, from time to time, some halos slip. That's where I come in, doing my job to the best of my ability on a daily basis. I'm Joe Friday. I work here. I carry a badge."

"Nina Arvesen as Lady Motor Cop"

"Juliana Donald as the Zookeeper"

"Lenka Peterson as Granny Mundy"

"Bruce Gray as Mayor Peter Parvin"

"Kathleen Freeman as Enid Bordne"

"Dabney Coleman as Jerry Caesar"

"Elizabeth Ashley as Commissioner Jane Kirkpatrick"

"Jack O'Halloran as Emil Muzz"

"I don't care what undercover rock you crawled out from, there's a dress code for detectives in Robbery-Homicide. Section 3-605. 10. 20. 22. 24. 26. 50. 70. 80. It specifies: clean shirt, short hair, tie, pressed trousers, sports jacket or suit, and leather shoes, preferably with a high shine on them."

"Alexandra Paul as Connie Swail"

"Harry Morgan as Captain Bill Gannon"

"Christopher Plummer as Reverend Jonathan Whirley"

"Tom Hanks as Det. Pep Streebek"

"Dan Aykroyd as Sgt. Joe Friday"

"Your attention, please. The story you are about to see is true; the names have been changed to protect the innocent. For example: George Baker is now called "Sylvia Wiss.""

"Kurt Loder as Himself"

"Vinnie DeRamus as Dungeons & Dragons Rocker"

"John Melendez as Constant Masturbating Rocker"

"Rich Wilkes as Corduroy Pants Rocker"

"Lemmy Kilmister as School Magazine Editor Rocker"

"Rob Zombie as Himself"

"Allen Covert as Officer Samuels"

"Harold Ramis as Chris Moore"

"Michelle Hurst as Yvonne"

"Michael Richards as Doug Beech"

"David Arquette as Carter"

"Reg E. Cathey as Marcus"

"Marshall Bell as Carl Mace"

"Nina Siemaszko as Suzzi"

"Amy Locane as Kayla"

"Judd Nelson as Jimmie Wing"

"Ernie Hudson as Sgt. O'Malley"

"Chris Farley as Officer Wilson"

"Michael McKean as Milo Jackson"

"Joe Mantegna as Ian "The Shark""

"Adam Sandler as Pip"

"Steve Buscemi as Rex"

"Brendan Fraser as Chazz Darby/Chester Ogilvie"

"The amps are on but nobody's home."

"Get ready to laugh, rock and roll."

"A comedy with attitude."

"They were a rock 'n' roll band that couldn't get arrested. That was before they took an entire radio station hostage."

"The music made them do it."