"Matt Arnold: Uh, Jenny's mom opened the door, and I came running up to squirt her. And then, uh, Mrs. Herk jumped me... jumped on me. And, uh, and then I went down on Jenny... or I f-fell on Jenny."

"Snake: [to Puggy] Next time I see you again, you're dead."

"[Opening the movie] God said to Noah, "I am going to put an end to all people, for the Earth is filled with violence because of them. You are to bring into the Ark two of all living creatures to keep them alive with you." [eats a Frito] In other words, life is hard, so you'd better find someone who'll be your partner. Eliot Arnold's story is a lot like Noah's, except Eliot's story takes place in Miami. [picks up another] You just can't beat these when they're really fresh. [eats it] Anyway, Eliot should probably tell you exactly what happened because I was locked in the trunk of a police car for part of it. My name is Puggy and I live in a tree... I hope I didn't ruin anything for you."

"[Trapped on a delayed plane with idiotic sports fans after a surreal day in Miami] I really feel like killing somebody."

"Was that a goat?!"

"[Whilst watching the chaotic goings-on at Arthur Herk's house] There goes the warranty... and there goes the Iron Chef."

"[Whilst watching the chaotic goings-on at Arthur Herk's house] Moron #2 just got Moron #1 all wet."

"[Whilst pointing a gun at three thugs who walk towards him while he is speaking to his employer on the phone] Not right now, okay?"

"Make her stop! God in heaven, make her stop! SHE WANTS MY SOUL!!!"

"I need a missile."

"[to his boss] Morning, douchebag."

"Nina, this is my house, you work for me, and I want to suck your toes."

"[v.o.] What is it that brings two strangers together so that one soul inhabits two bodies? Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's Fritos."

"[v.o.] We all go along day after day when suddenly a bomb drops into our lives. Sometimes you can't get out of the way. Sometimes it's a new beginning."

"[v.o.] I had to outrun a plane and subdue two convicts with a nuclear [sic] weapon to earn Matt's respect. But it was worth it."

"[After his son has just called him a loser] Okay, now it's my turn. Up yours, you little shithead. Okay, your turn."

"I say we blame this whole evening on rap music and too much violence on television."

"[to Monty] You've never been west of Philly, have ya? This is a beautiful country Monty, it's beautiful out there, like a different world. Mountains, hills, cows, farms, and white churches. I drove out west with your mother one time, before you was born. Brooklyn to the Pacific in three days. Just enough money for gas, sandwiches, and coffee, but we made it. Every man, woman, and child alive should see the desert one time before they die. Nothin' at all for miles around. Nothin' but sand and rocks and cactus and blue sky. Not a soul in sight. No sirens. No car alarms. Nobody honkin' atcha. No madmen cursin' or pissin' in the streets. You find the silence out there, you find the peace. You can find God. So we drive west, keep driving till we find a nice little town. These towns out in the desert, you know why they got there? People wanted to get way from somewhere else. The desert's for startin' over. Find a bar and I'll buy us drinks. I haven't had a drink in two years, but I'll have one with you, one last whisky with my boy. Take our time with it, taste the barley, let it linger. And then I'll go. I'll tell you don't ever write me, don't ever visit, I'll tell you I believe in God's kingdom and I'll see you and your mother again, but not in this lifetime. You'll get a job somewhere, a job that pays cash, a boss who doesn't ask questions, and you make a new life and you never come back."

"Tony Siragusa - Kostya Novotny"

"Brian Cox - James Brogan"

"Anna Paquin - Mary D'Annunzio"

"Rosario Dawson - Naturelle Riviera"

"Barry Pepper - Frank Slaughtery"

"Philip Seymour Hoffman - Jacob Elinsky"

"Edward Norton - Monty Brogan"

"One wrong choice... one last night... 24 hours to live a lifetime"

"This life was so close to never happening"

"Can you change your whole life in a day?"

"I have been in three different prisons, Montgomery. Three different countries. And you know what I learned? I learned prison is a bad place to be."

"This is my advice to you: When you get there, figure it out who's who. Find the man nobody's protecting. A man without friends. And beat him until his eyes bleed. Let them think you are little bit crazy, but respectful, too. Respectful of the right men."

"You're a New Yorker, that won't ever change. You got New York in your bones. Spend the rest of your life out west but you're still a New Yorker. You'll miss your friends, you'll miss your dog, but you're strong. You got your mother's backbone in you, you're strong like she was. You find the right people, and you get yourself papers, a drivers license. You forget your old life, you can't come back, you can't call, you can't write. You never look back. You make a new life for yourself and you live it, you hear me? You live your live the way it should have been. But maybe, this is dangerous, but maybe after a few years you send word to Naturelle. You get yourself a new family and you raise them right, you hear me? Give them a good life Monty. Give them what they need. You have a son, maybe you name him James, it's a good strong name, and maybe one day years from now years after I'm dead and gone reunited with your dear ma, you gather your whole family around and tell them the truth, who you are, where you come from, you tell them the whole story. Then you ask them if they know how lucky they are to be there. It all came so close to never happening. This life came so close to never happening."

"[standing in the men's bathroom, talking to himself in a mirror with a "FUCK YOU" written on it] Yeah, fuck you, too. Fuck me? Fuck you, fuck this whole city and everyone in it. Fuck the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back. Fuck the squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car. Get a fucking job! Fuck the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores, stinking up my day. Terrorists in fucking training. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35. Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English? Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and schemin'. Go back where you fucking came from! Fuck the black-hatted Chassidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds! Fuck the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gekko wannabe motherfuckers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron assholes to jail for FUCKING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that shit? Give me a fucking break! Tyco! Adelphia! Worldcom! Fuck the Puerto Ricans. 20 to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst fuckin' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dominicans, 'cause they make the Puerto Ricans look good. Fuck the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, their St. Anthony medallions, swinging their Jason Giambi, Louisville slugger, baseball bats, trying to audition for the Sopranos. Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermes scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart! Fuck the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take five steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended 137 years ago. Move the fuck on! Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust! Fuck the priests who put their hands down some innocent child's pants. Fuck the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you're at it, fuck JC! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin' Otisville, J! Fuck Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda, and backward-ass, cave-dwelling, fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your 72 whores roasting in a jet-fuel fire in hell. You towel headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Irish ass! Fuck Jacob Elinsky. Whining malcontent. Fuck Francis Xavier Slaughtery, my best friend, judging me while he stares at my girlfriend's ass. Fuck Naturelle Riviera. I gave her my trust, and she stabbed me in the back. Sold me up the river. Fucking bitch. Fuck my father with his endless grief, standing behind that bar sipping on club sodas, selling whisky to firemen, cheering the Bronx Bombers. Fuck this whole city and everyone in it. From the row-houses of Astoria to the penthouses on Park Avenue, from the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in SoHo. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the Brownstones in Park Slope to the split-levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it, let the fires rage, let it burn to fucking ash and then let the waters rise and submerge this whole rat-infested place. [pause] No. No, Fuck you, Montgomery Brogan. You had it all, and you threw it away, you dumb fuck!"

"Harold Smith: Guard, protect and cherish your land, for there is no afterlife for a place that started out as Heaven. Charles M. Russell, Montana, 1926."

"Michael Pataki - Jim Wilson"

"Patrick Kilpatrick - Stone"

"Kate Mulgrew - Maj. Rayner Fleming"

"Charles Cioffi - George Grove"

"George Coe - Gen. Scott Watson"

"J.A. Preston - Conn MacCleary"

"Wilford Brimley - Harold Smith"

"Joel Grey - Chiun"

"Fred Ward - Remo Williams"

"A most reluctant hero takes you on an action-adventure armed only with his fists and wits...and with his tongue planted in his cheek."

"The Destroyer Movie!"

"Look out! He's unarmed and dangerous!"

"Gen. Scott Watson: So listen to this, George. Lyman four-putts. Four-putts, mind you. I thought he'd have a stroke. And I'd have claimed it if he had."