"[to the writers] Alright, now listen. Does everybody have a pen? I would appreciate it if you write this down. Think funny, okay? Humor comes out of conflict not an occupation, but it comes out of relationships and situations, right?"

"Gretchen Egolf - Genevieve Halford"

"[on any regrets] I sometimes wonder if I should've done another season of The Honeymooners. And then there's a part of me that felt I played it right by going out on top when I did. I wish I was there more for my family in those days, but uh... I was so driven, and uh, I payed for it. And unfortunately, I'm sure they did too."

"[on stage] I gotta tell you somethin', two days ago... No wait, that wasn't me. [laughs along with the audience] You're a dandy crowd! Look at this guy, didn't you see there's a sign out there. There's an age limit in this nightclub, pal. You gotta be under a hundred. [the audience laughs] By the way, the Civil War called, they found your diary. [laughter ensues] I'm kidding, the cemetery called, you're room's ready. [laughter ensues] How are you doing, pal? Make you feel at home. Waaaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaa! [laughter ensues] More on embalming fluid on this table, put it on my tab. No, you're a good crowd!"

"[presenting Cavalcade of Stars at Dumont Studios] Thank you everybody! Welcome to Cavalcade of Stars, I'm Jackie Gleason! There's a cow son of the farmer, thanks for the warm hand! [laughter ensues] I think it's time to put that joke out to pasture! You know I'm gonna tell you, backstage I met a gal with a million dollar smile. She'd only smile at guys who had a million dollars. [laughter ensues] Girls that's your queue!"

"You're in for a real treat tonight! Thanks for staying tuned to Cavalcade! Sammy little travellin' music! [music starts playing. Gleason begins dancing]"

"[to Bullets] Do you think I pay you to kiss my ass? Do I pay you to kiss my ass?!"

"Kristen Dalton - Audrey Meadows"

"Michael Chieffo - Art Carney"

"On with the show and awaaaay we go!"

"[on stage to an audience member] What the hell are you looking at, pal? You look like you lost your best friend. By any chance did he run off with your hair? Could you put your head on dim. Good thing about it, pal. At least if you find a hair in your soup, you know it ain't yours! But I gotta tell you life is good, ladies and gentlemen. My land lord called me the other day. Told me I have three days to pay rent. I said "Okay. I pick Easter, Thanks giving and New Year's Eve 1962." [the audience laughs. Says to another audience member] And you, get your legs together. What, you waiting for a parade? You should see what I see. I'm Jackie Gleason. Have a good night."

"[meeting a group of fans outside CBS Studios] How did everybody get in my dressing room!"

"I drank for one reason only and that is to get bagged. It never got in the way of my work. I never drank on show day. I was always on time."

"[why was The Honeymooners so successful] I could probably give you thirty reasons why. But the one that comes to mind is uh, it was funny. That's all."

"[speaking to his driver] So we leave the Yankee game, right? We get in the car. Things start spinnin'. And I threw up. I was so loaded I threw up all over Sinatra right in his limo. Do you believe that? And you know what I told his driver? [what's that Mr. Gleason] "Throw the bum out, he's stinkin' up the car." [laughs]"

"No actually, Orson Welles was the first to call me 'The Great One'. I'm not exactly sure why. And then Lucy continued the tradition and started calling me that as well, and uh, I never had a problem with it. I learnt to deal with it."

"[is it true that you didn't like to rehearse] I was never fond of rehearsing simply because I believe the best comedy should have a certain degree of spontaneity and surprise. And uh, it was just totally a decision made by my technique. I - I liked to be surprised as well, and the more I rehearsed the more I felt it was watered down and so I - I rarely rehearsed."

"Look, you know I love it here. It's not about that. It's just... haven't you ever felt like, even if you're happy, which I definitely am... I mean, I just spent an entire day singing about it... there's still something else, there's something more you're supposed to be doing? Good night, Ox. {kiss Ox} Lucky Bat, see you tomorrow. Maybe it'll be the day."

"Well... Every day i think "Today's the day." And then it isn't. And that's fine, it is, but... Look, I've always believed the Big World is real. I know I'll find the perfect kid for me. But, lately I'm starting to wonder.. with no evidence... no, proof! what if it's not true?"

"No, Gibberish Cat, we're not just going home. If Lou tried to recycle us, then no one is safe."

"Those are all worth fighting for! Well, maybe not being greedy with the soup, but the others! Now let our freak flags fly!"

"We are not rejects. Our flaws make us who we are. You know what? We have enough flaws for every doll in Perfection, and then some."

"You and no one else."

"We can be pretty lovable."

"Guys, what if this is the way to the big world?!"

"Ice-T — Peggy"

"Enqriue Santos — Nolan"

"Kelly Asbury — Gibberish Cat, Oliver, Chef, Buttons"

"Charli X.C.X. — Kitty"

"Lizzo — Lydia"

"Bebe Rexha — Tuesday"

"Nick Jonas — Lou"

"Wang Leehom — Lucky Bat"

"Pitbull — Ugly Dog"

"Gabriel "Fluffy" Iglesias — Babo"

"Blake Shelton — Ox"

"Rachel McFarlane — Maizy’s Mother, Perfection Guy, Robot Baby"

"Dee Bradley Baker — Maizy, Robot Dog, Maizy’s Father"

"Emma Roberts — Wedgehead"

"Wanda Sykes — Wage"

"Did that make you feel better?"

"Moxy, you have to go back and complete the Gauntlet."

"That's where you're wrong. All your life you knew the truth and you never stopped believing. And you were right! I never would have had the courage to come here if it weren't for you. If you give up now because you're not perfect, what hope do the rest of us have? With five eyes or wedged heads or glasses? You need to fight, Moxy. Show them it's our differences that make us shine."

"It was you! You tried to have me recycled!"

"[clears throat] I heard that. Now, Moxy, I've lived here longer than anyone, and it really does not get any better than this."