"[Ken is handed a typewritten message from the hotel receptionist] Number one, why aren't you in when I fucking told you to be in? Number two, why doesn't this hotel have phones with fucking voicemail and not I have to leave messages with the fucking receptionist? Number three, you better fucking be in tomorrow night when I fucking call again otherwise there'll be fucking hell to pay. I'm fucking telling you. - Harry."

"[Voiceover] There's a Christmas tree somewhere in London with a bunch of presents underneath it that'll never be opened. And I thought, if I survive all this, I'll go to that house, apologize to the mother there, and accept whatever punishment she chose for me. Prison... death... didn't matter. Because at least in prison and at least in death, you know, I wouldn't be in fuckin' Bruges. But then, like a flash, it came to me. And I realized, fuck man, maybe that's what hell is: the entire rest of eternity spent in fuckin' Bruges. And I really, really hoped I wouldn't die. I really, really hoped I wouldn't die."

"Back off, shorty!"

"Exactly at what point was it that all skinheads suddenly became poofs? It used to be, you were a skinhead, you just went round beating up Pakistani twelve-year olds. Now it seems a prerequisite to be a fucking bumboy!"

"Amy Smart - Naomi"

"Heather Hanson - Hairdresser"

"Daniella Evangelista - Wendy"

"Brooke Dillman - Biology / Health Teacher"

"Anders Hedman - Max (K)"

"Samm Levine - Roger"

"Riley Smith - Jake"

"Dey Young - Mrs. Lewis"

"Tom Arnold (actor) - Mr. Lewis"

"Sarah-Jane Potts - Ashley"

"Daniel Farber (actor) - Mat"

"Tony Denman - Fred"

"Erik von Detten - Deacon"

"[Fading in to a class trip to the zoo. The class stares down at a dolphin tank. Due to the humidity around the tank, the nipples of the large breasted older teacher are even more noticeably pokey than before]"

"[Deacon's parents lie in bed watching a porn video, when their own portrait shows up in the background]"

"[Deacon narrates following a non-chronological flashback, in which a porn producer kidnapped him and his friends and physically threatened them]"

"[to the Mayor] You fat slob! Let's see if you've got any guts. [he punches the mayor in the stomach and rips out his guts] Officer O'Clancy, take care of this toxic waste."

"[as he kills Mrs. Haskell] Hohohoho. No ticky, no washy!"

"Doug Isbecque - Knuckles"

"Dan Snow - Cigar Face"

"David Weiss - Chief Of Police"

"Chris Liano - Walter Harris"

"Dick Martinsen - Officer O'Clancy"

"Mark Torgl - Melvin Junko"

"Pat Ryan - Mayor Belgoody"

"Gary Schneider - Bozo"

"Robert Prichard - Slug"

"Cindy Manion - Julie"

"Jennifer Babtist - Wanda"

"Mitch Cohen - The Toxic Avenger"

"He was 98 lbs. of solid nerd until he became...The Toxic Avenger"

"The first Super-Hero... from New Jersey!"

"Melvin was a 90lb. weakling until nuclear waste transformed him into...The Toxic Avenger"

"Sara: Why, Melvin, you're beautiful. You're a beautiful person. You're so muscular. It's been two years since I've touched a man."

"Frank: Now if you all do just what we tell you, you just might, just might, get ya asses home all intact."

"Look what we've got here. A little mother and a littler baby. You like Mexican food, little baby? [points his gun at the baby] Well, how would you like to have this hot tamale shoved down your throat?"

"Hey Frank, teeny-boppers! You like video games, teeny-boppers? Your mom give you quarters for video games? Well, cough 'em up!"

"All right everybody, drop your tacos or I'll blow your brains out!"