"Here is where the problem started, you see, after sex and this is something we never knew - Ha ha, why would we? Tony "The Mouth" Donato, a guy quieter an inverted Trappist monk, like to talk."

"[narrating] Miami Beach. Used to be the average age around here was, like, 82. And then that broad Madonna decides that this is the place to be, and the next thing you know, everywhere you turn, it's women with big breasts, men with big breasts. Breasts are very big here."

"William Duell — Lesley Meeker"

"Pat Crawford Brown — Mrs. Meeker"

"Jeff Conaway — Travis"

"Ellen Dunning — Robin Meeker"

"Edie McClurg — Chastity Pariah"

"Robert Benedetti — Mr. Calvin Cobb"

"Ira Heiden — Bo (the geek)"

"Kurt Fuller — Mr. Glotter"

"Cassandra Peterson — Elvira and Aunt Morgana Talbot"

"W. Morgan Sheppard — Great-Uncle Vincent Talbot"

"Here comes Elvira...there goes the neighbourhood!"

"Daniel Greene — Bob Redding"

"Elvira busts out in her outrageously funny feature film debut!"

"Susan Kellermann — Patty"

"Tress MacNeille — Anchorwoman and voice of Aunt Morgana Talbot"

"Elvira makes her Big Scream Debut in her Hot New Comedy."

"Lesley Meeker: We do have a room. Remember the trucker with the bad skin checked out yesterday?"

"Elvira: I hope you changed the sheets."

"Elvira: It's okay. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody."

"Elvira: [ringing the motel bell] I hate to interrupt this little episode of the Waltons. But can I have room?"

"Elvira: Cheap? Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, Catch of the Day?"

"Patty: Look, honey. I don't know which hole you crawl out of, but I suggest you crawl right back in it, if you know what's good for you."

"Mrs. Meeker: Okay, but it's cash up front. I know what you pinko heavy metal weirdos do to motel rooms. I read all about it in the Star."

"Vincent Talbot: I must apologise for my behaviour in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me."

"Elvira: Bloody Mary."

"Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?"

"Elvira: Maybe, but, ah…I'll have a couple of drinks first."

"Patty: Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault."

"Unpleasant dreams..."

"[to Bob] My name's Elvira, but you can call me 'tonight'."

"I didn't know I had a good aunt, let alone a great one."

"Chastity Pariah: Listen, young lady. I don't know who you are or where you came from, but you certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress."

"Elvira: Listen, sister. If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you."

"Bob Redding: I, ah…I can only play G-rated movies."

"Elvira: Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence."

"Peter Ustinov - Old Major (voice)"

"Alan Stanford - Farmer Frederick"

"Paul Scofield - Boxer (voice)"