"In the quiet silent seconds I turned off the light switch And I came down to meet you in the half light the moon left. While a cluster of night jars sang some songs out of tune, A mantle of bright light shone down from a room."

"Screw you, I didn't like your taste anyway, I chose you, That's all gone to waste, It's Saturday, I'll go out and find another you."

"Oh I haven't got a clue what to do with you, Jesus all the things my head is going through."

"I'm glad that spending a night with me, Guaranteed you celebrity."

"I'm here to make money and get laid, Yeah I'm a star but I'll fade."

"I've sung some songs that were lame, I've slept with girls on the game."

"All your friends think you're satisfied, but they can't see your soul, no, no, no..."

"I'm contemplating thinking about thinking… but....it's overrated - just get another drink in!"

"I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to. If I stop lying, I'll just disappoint you."

"I sit and talk to God, and he just laughs at my plans."

"Hell is gone and heaven's here, there’s nothing left for you to fear."

"There'll be the same old faces, in the same old places, where my youth was well misspent, but I toe the line and move in time, to a town called no regrets."

"Well tonight I'm gonna live for today, so come along for the ride, I hope I'm old before I die."

"I look above, and I know I'll always be blessed with love."

"The world could change in a second, so I find the sunshine beckons me, to open up the gate and dream."

"I met Courtney Love and she said she'd like to sleep with me, but she couldn't cos of my "pop-star thing"… so I said to her I couldn't sleep with her either - cos of her 'ugly thing'..."

"Yes. I think it’s just because I forgot to cut it, and it’s a slightly different colour, so it’s an object of affection or ridicule, depending on whether you’re Steve Mangan or anybody else on the planet. I think your shaved version is very distinguished, incidentally. I wish I could carry it off. Unfortunately all you’d find under here is the FA Cup. My ears are shocking. They can get satellite TV."

"I’d like to tell you that I come from a long line of German aristocracy and that I’m very rich, but actually it’s a very boring explanation. A man called Tommy Tutt married a lady called Jane Rhind, and suddenly I’ve got a very posh name. And then my parents called me Julian, and suddenly I sound like a prospective Tory MP for West London!"

"But on set it is Stephen Mangan, as the comic-grotesque Dr Guy Secretan, who emerges as the true star. With film roles in Festival and the forthcoming Confetti, it can't be long before he's up there with Coogan and Gervais. The rest of the cast are all straight actors, but Mangan is a brilliant improv performer who pushes the script to the very limit with his constant ad-libbing."

"Yes, star-crossed in pleasure, the stream flows on by Yes, as we're sated in leisure, we watch it fly, yes And time waits for no one, and it won't wait for me... Hours are like diamonds, don't let them waste... Drink in your summer, gather your corn... The dreams of the nighttime will vanish by dawn"

"I know I've dreamed you, a sin and a lie I have my freedom but I don't have much time Faith has been broken, tears must be cried Let's do some living, after we die Wild horses couldn't drag me away Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day…"

"Childhood living is easy to do The things you wanted, I bought them for you Graceless lady, you know who I am You know I can't let you slide through my hands Wild horses couldn't drag me away Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away."

"Let's drink to the hard working people Let's drink to the salt of the earth ...Raise your glass to the hard working people ...Who need leaders but get gamblers instead"

"I see a red door and I want it painted black No colors anymore, I want them to turn black I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes I have to turn my head until my darkness goes I see a line of cars and they're all painted black With flowers and my love, both never to come back I see people turn their heads and quickly look away Like a new born baby, it just happens every day I look inside myself and see my heart is black I see my red door, I must have it painted black Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts It's not easy facing up, when your whole world is black"

"I'm pleased that the Ministry of Culture is protecting the morals of the expat bankers and their girlfriends that are going to be coming."

"There's not many Americans, certainly not many of the teenagers I met when I first went to America, knew anything about [blues musicians] at all. … They do now, which is very groovy."

"We have not had any disagreements about clothes, smoking or L'Wren, and this is all very hurtful for her... It is completely untrue to say that L'Wren has caused a rift between myself and the rest of the band. This is all nonsense, everyone has their own style."

"I thought it was ludicrous to take one of those gongs from the establishment... it's not what the Stones is about, is it? I don't want to step out on stage with someone wearing a fucking coronet and sporting the old ermine. I told Mick, 'It's a fucking paltry honour.'"

"If you think that Mick Jagger will still be doing the whole rock star thing at age fifty, well, then, you are sorely, sorely mistaken."

"When people talk about the Holocaust, they talk about the tragedy and horror of 6 million Jewish lives being lost to the Nazi war machine. But they never mention the thousands of Gypsies that were killed by the Nazis. No one ever wants to talk about that, because no one ever wants to talk about the positives."

"He's basically the only comedian on telly at the moment and the rest of us are all jealous."

"His idea of wit is a barrage of filth and the sort of humour most men grow out of in their teens."

"The highest terrorist threat level, as we all know, is “I don't care if this does look racist, I'm getting off the bus... That backpack is huge and he doesn't need to be saying his prayers.”"

"As head of the Catholic church, Pope Benedict is the boss of every Catholic priest in the world, he's effectively king of the pedos."

"If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDs."

"I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake."

"I immediately adored performing. It really empowers you when everyone's laughing. It gives you an immense buzz. You just feel on top of the world."

"But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked."

"Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do."

"So they've laughed and then they've thought, should we have laughed at that? Well, too late now. You did. I imagine I get more than my fair share of that."

"The great thing about being a comedian is that it kind of doesn't matter how you look. It's actually a disadvantage to be too good-looking. There's a Darwinian advantage to being funny. If you're a good-looking fella, you can't be bothered to make up jokes."

"I did quite a lot of TV shows over the latter half of 2004 - all those 100 Greatest and 100 Worst and all that kind of stuff. So I was a little bit overexposed. But I think you need to do that once in your career, and that's how you become famous. You get overexposed once, and then people know your name and you can relax a bit."

"TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'."

"I'm a stand-up. And no one on the circuit's terribly impressed if you're on TV. I suppose I've stolen my ethos from Jay Leno. You can do all the TV in the world, but that's a team game, and anyone can be dropped from the squad. And if you haven't gigged in a while, you're not firing, you're not match fit. So I try and do it whenever I can."

"I literally can't believe my luck. Torturing Americans should not only be easy, but a pleasure!"

"As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing."

"I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub."

"I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the ground. If they start taking themselves too seriously, they're heading for a fall."

"My writing process is editing. It's taking all the funny thoughts you've had over the last 12 months, and editing out everything that's shit. You're left with an hour and a quarter of funny stuff."

"To me, my approach is the most sensible. You're a comic. Therefore you want to get laughs. How do you get the most laughs in an hour? Tell short jokes. And don't say boom boom at the end. Just let the audience laugh then tell another joke. It's the shortest route to where you want to go."