212 quotes found
"Life's a fragile thing, Harr. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, and the next minute you're dead meat."
"Hey. Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? [makes a loud, weird noise]"
"[pretends to promote Turbo Lax] One half teaspoon, for fast, effective relief."
"[after dumping Turbo Lax in Harry's tea] To my friend, Harry... the matchmaker."
"(about a passing woman at the preservation society) I'd like to eat her liver with some "farver" beans and a nice bottle of chianti! [he and Harry imitate Hannibal Lecter]"
"Mary, I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy."
"[deleted scene] Let me ask you something. Do you want to end up like Petey? Dead? In some flea-ridden apartment? Face down in your own droppings? A soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Come on, Harry! Don't you see what Petey was trying to say to you? You got to take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!"
"Yeah, I'm heading to Aspen myself. Maybe we could meet up and have some hot chocolate."
"You know, Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!"
"[to Mary, while looking at a pair of owls] Nice set of hooters you got there."
"What the one doesn't have, the other is missing."
"For Harry and Lloyd every day is a no-brainer."
"Jim Carrey — Lloyd Christmas"
"Jeff Daniels — Harry Dunne"
"Lauren Holly — Mary Swanson"
"Mike Starr — Joe 'Mental' Mentaliano"
"Karen Duffy — J.P. Shay"
"Charles Rocket — Nicholas Andre"
"Victoria Rowell — FBI Special Agent Beth Jordan"
"Next time, I'll be the bad cop."
"Money ain't gonna be your biggest problem if you don't tell me what you know about the sinuses."
"In the words of the immortal James Brown GET DOWN!"
"Well, you dealin' with a white blood cell here!"
"You want Osmosis? You got Osmosis!"
"That's Chill. He's a flu shot."
"Just as long as it doesn't hit 108 degrees, or Frank's daughter's an orphan."
"Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools."
"It's just the way I like it: Extra disgusting."
"Great, got me a college boy."
"Special Agent Drixobenzometaphedrimine. Drixenol! The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes. Warning - do not exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. May cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets."
"My, what big zits he has. How does this happen?"
"That's my effervescent propulsion."
"OK, please, you're going to make me vomit!"
"Virus con Dios!"
"James who?"
"I'd like to examine your irritated areas."
"Funny. He doesn't look fluish."
"Sir, he was a lethal virus."
"This here little D.N.A. bead comes from a little girl in Riverside, California, didn't like to wash her hands. Took me three whole weeks. And this one, nice lady in Detroit, Mowtown, six days flat. And there's this old guy in Philly. I killed him in 72 hours. Yeah, I'm getting better as I go along, baby, but the problem is I never set a record! Until my man Frank that is. I'm gonna take him down in 48 hours! Get my own chapter in the medical books!"
"[last words] Can you feel the heat, Jones? [chuckles] Too bad you won't be here to see me break my record when I take down Frank's pretty little girl."
"Hmmm. Sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on."
"Whew! this cat was sick before I even got here!"
"They're making this too easy! Hahaha! You know, in all of the bodies I've been in no one has ever gotten wise to me and now, for the first time, an immunity cell has figured out everything and they don't believe him!"
"Ebola? Let me tell you something about Ebola, baby. Ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!"
"Careful. I'm contagious."
"Okay, Frank. This is your, um, conscience speaking. Now listen carefully. This hiking trip means the world to her. Figure out a way to make it work. Use that charm."
"Jones! Oh, thank Frank!"
"Sir, he's got a point. When I came to work for you, you promised you would concentrate more on health issues."
"Come here, baby. I'm still Jonesin' for a little more Osmosis."
"You care more about your stupid re-election than you care about all our lives. Something's going on and I'm going to the hypothalamus to check it out."
"There will be plenty of new jobs for everyone on the back."
"I propose something that every organism in this city will enjoy. I give you a dream vacation to the annual chicken wing festival in Buffalo, New York! Final plans have been made and nothing is going to stand in our way!"
"See, I told you she'd be excited. Now, tidy up, will you? Here we go."
"We're probably just drinking some hot coffee."
"Can you believe those lies?"
"Good evening, citizens of Frank. In the past few weeks of the campaign, my opponent has thrown around a lot of fancy words to try to confuse the issues. Words like "exercise," "low-fat," and "diet" - words designed to scare us into changing what has worked for so many years. Well, I say let's stay the course. Remember, a fat Frank is a happy Frank."
"Son, do me a favor and read what it says on your arm?"
"Thank you, Leah. Now get me the chief on the phone. There's a good girl."
"Exactly! Temporary. You're nothing but a wannabe, a placebo, a generic brand. Marked-down, over-the-counter, useless Tic-Tac! NOW, GET OUT OF MY BODY!"
"The bowels. Didn't always smell this way. No. There was a time when eating right and exercise kept this whole area a vital center of activity. But during Mayor Phlegmming's term, we've seen rot and stagnation paralyze this neighborhood as well as the colon and the sphincter. Well, I think it's time we get things moving again. I'm Tom Colonic. As Mayor, I would set long-term goals that include ordering salads and eating bran. Mayor Phlegmming may think that things are fine just the way they are. But I think that if we pull together and put in a little hard work, A new Frank could be right around the corner."
"JONES! IN MY OFFICE!"
"Get that thing to the hypothalamus now!"
"We have a situation in the throat, and I'm putting you on it."
"Hey, Ozzy, can I count on you to keep Frank in shape? You know we've got that big insurance exam next month."
"Don't chiefy-weefy me! Have you seen the headlines? The papers are calling it the most powerful cramp since shane made us try that tae-bo workout!"
"It's all shoveled out. And the hippo's asleep. I'm gonna take Shane to Docky's."
"[after almost dying, but returning to life; to Shane] Your momma says "hi"."
"She'll be excited. She'll probably call you."
"Thank you, Uncle Bob. You're gonna love it!"
"Oh, that's my daughter Shane. She won't buy me deodorant anymore. She says it causes cancer."
"I said I was gonna think about it. It's a holiday weekend. The important thing is that we're together, right?"
"Please, we can't do that. She's been humiliated enough already."
"Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?"
"Let me take a look at that, Dad. Open wide. Open wide. Ahh."
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
"So, Dad, what's the big surprise?"
"I'm going camping with my friends. You're welcome to join us."
"No! No, Dad, it's me, Shane."
"Well, use your imagination."
"Listen, why don't you sit her down and tell her that if anything ever happens to you, I will take care of her, okay? I will raise her, I will nurture her, I will love her, and then when she's 16, I'll boot her out the door."
"Hey, Shane, how about a hug for your Uncle Bob? [Shane walks out of the house] Okay, nice talking to you, too. [Frank burps] Hey, muscles! You don't look so good."
"Outta town? I'm not getting outta my bathrobe. I'm just gonna wheel a keg into the living room and plop myself down on the sofa in front of the TV. You know, spend a little quality time with the wife and kids."
"Um, sweetheart, have you ever seen a rattlesnake swallow a football?"
"Shirley. My daughter's name is Shirley."
"Frank, it's a pleasure to meet you. I am Mrs. Boyd. I am Shane's science and P.E. teacher."
"GET OUT! OUT! THE ANSWER IS NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!"
"[laughing] Oh, my God. Ha-ha! That was so funny! Oh, my God, I've got the giggles."
"What a zit. I mean, what is it? What is it? What do you want?"
"[last words] SHANE!!"
"He's one cell of a guy."
"He's one cell of a guy and his partner's a real pill."
"Every body needs a hero."
"Chris Rock — Osmosis "Ozzy" Jones"
"Laurence Fishburne — Thrax"
"David Hyde Pierce — Drixenol "Drix" Koldreliff"
"Brandy Norwood — Leah Estrogen"
"William Shatner — Mayor Phlegmming"
"Ron Howard — Tom Colonic"
"Joel Silver — Chief (uncredited)"
"Kenny Olson"
"Jimmie "Bones" Trombly"
"Stefanie Eulinberg"
"Jimmie Bones"
"Uncle Kracker"
"Jonathan Adams — Tom"
"Joseph Ashton — Billy"
"Carlos Alazraqui — Spanish Germ"
"Keith Anthony — Barkeep"
"Eddie Barth — Conducter"
"Jeff Bennett — Handmouth Germ"
"Sally Brooks — Brain Cell"
"Rodger Bumpass — Announcer of Nerve News Network and Joe Cramp"
"Michael Carven — Red Blood Cell"
"Paul Christie — Dan Matter and Germ"
"Janis Dardaris — Red Blood Cell Nurse"
"Wendy Dillon — Singer"
"Antonio Fargas — Chill"
"Eddie Frierson — Police Officer at Frank Police Department"
"Donald Fullilove — Doughnut"
"Jackie Gonneau — Female Cell"
"Shannon Gregory — White Blood Cell"
"Rif Hutton — Charlie"
"Richard Steven Horvitz — Red Blood Cell"
"Art Kimbro — Red Blood Cell"
"Joyce Kurtz — Brain Cell"
"Anne Lockhart — Reporter"
"Sherry Lynn — Trudy McCartney"
"Danny Mann — Musician Cell"
"Mickie McGowan — Libraian"
""Stuttering" John Melendez — Artie"
"Héctor Mercado — Oyster Germ"
"Paul Pape — Red Blood Cell"
"Marilyn Pasekoff — Nun Red Blood Cell"
"Chris Phillips — Doug"
"Lynne Redding — Drummer"
"Al Rodrigo — the Frank Police Department walkie-talkie"
"Herschel Sparber — Bruiser"
"Doug Stone — Police Officer with Big Germ and Jamie"
"Steve Susskind — Scabies"
"Keri Tombazian — Stomach Announcer"
"Paul Tuerpe — Nose Cell"
"Billy West — Colin and Artie's co-worker"
"Robert Wisdom — Big Germ"
"Bill Murray — Frank DeTorre"
"Elena Franklin — Shane DeTorre"
"Molly Shannon — Mrs. Boyd"
"Chris Elliott — Bob DeTorre"
"Danny Murphy — Zookeeper Superintendent"
"Jack McCullough — Zookeeper"
"Kathy Wege — Volcano Lady"
"Will Dunn — Oyster Boy"
"Jackie Flynn — School Janitor"
"Kelsey Jordan — Bus Girl #1"
"Abe Farrelly — Bus Girl #2"
"Jesse Peter — Laughing Boy"
"John Eliot Jordan — Pea Soup Manager"
"Nancy Byers — Pea Soup Supervisor"
"Kevin J. Flynn — Docky's Clamshack Waiter"
"Sean Gildea — Dreamy Photographer"
"Kathryn Frick — Nurse #1"
"Nikki Tyler-Flynn — Nurse #2"
"Elizabeth Jordan — Nurse #3"
"Zen Gesner — Emergency Room Doctor #1"
"Marc Hyman — Emergency Room Doctor #2"
"Zak Penn — Emergency Room Doctor #3"
"[A beginning montage of Charlie/Hank is riding his patrolbike] Meet Charlie. Helpful dad. Upstanding citizen. And an 18 year veteran of the greatest law enforcement agency in the land, The Rhode Island State Police. That's Charlie's home. Modest like the man. Even though he lived on the water, Charlie wasn't much of a swimmer. Which will come into play a little later in our story. But i'm getting way ahead of myself. You know maybe it's best if we just go back and beging at the beginning."
"It's funny how a man reacts when his heart gets broken. Some break down and cry like a baby. Others, they take out an Uzi and climb a clock tower."
"I'm not leaving till the morning, but you know the rules when I go: no bitches after eleven."
"Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure."
"Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone."
"Wanna start me up? Open the choke and pull the cord down. I'm due for Seismic event and you're dancing the fault line."
"I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid."
"Yeah, she's pretty much screwed. Come on, I'll buy you a beer."
"Had enough? Up yours."
"Arrivederci, deadwood."
"That was me. Yeah, big deal. The guy's got his glassjaw."
"This is my body! Do you understand that? I'm calling the shots from now on, Hank. I don't need you to fight my battles for me. If you back down from something this important, you're nothing at all. YOU'RE NOTHING AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"
"[Driving while singing along to The Dwarve’s MotherFucker song on the radio with Irene paranoidly recoiled as far as possible from him in her seat holding a lawn dart as a potential weapon] I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a [repeatedly] Mo... [glances over at Irene looking paranoid] Whoa, whoa, whoa. [Turns off radio] What's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'."
"[When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground] Well fuck my ozone."
"Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?"
"[After Hank crashes the guy's car into his shop] There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out. [Puts ticket on the windshield]"
"[To Irene] Come on, don't be mad, my little pussy-fart."
"Ever been bitch slapped?"
"[After Dicky falls on Hank] Warden. I want my own cell."
"[Being chased by FBI agents] Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!"
"Well looky here, it's a human Q-tip."
"[To Irene] Name's Hank, Hank Evans; for little girls..."
"We just got a report that he put six bullets into a prize cow's head. Poor thing's lucky to be alive. [Charlie's sons look at each other; Lee Harvey raises an eyebrow]"
"[Referring to father Charlie/Hank to FBI agents] He may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person!"
"Man, how the hell can they call Pluto a planet?! No motherfucking planet has an elliptical orbit! This shit don't make no sense!"
"[On Charlie's new chin sporting a chin dimple] He sure is a Spartacus looking motherfucker!"
"I've seen it first-hand; the guy's nuttier than squirrel turds!"
"[Upon leaving gas station store and seeing Hank Evans urinating into the tank of his vehicle] Get your cock out of my Chrysler, you son of a bitch!"
"[To Charlie/Hank's sons after handcuffing him to door of patrol vehicle] I promise you when I find your old man, I am personally gonna fuck him up!"
"[To FBI agents and police arrived to find him tied to tree with live chicken's head in rectum] Would someone please get this chicken out of my ass?"
"[Before ending credits] Thanks for watching our motherfucking movie!"
"Will you marry me, bitch?"
"Jim Carrey - Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans (the father of Triplets)"
"Renée Zellweger - Irene P. Waters, Charlie's 2nd wife (the stepmother of Triplets)"
"Chris Cooper - Lt. Gerke"
"Robert Forster - Colonel Partington"
"Richard Jenkins - Agent Boshane"
"Rob Moran - Trooper Finneran"
"Traylor Howard - Layla Baileygates, Charlie's 1st wife (the mother of Triplets)"
"Daniel Greene - Dickie Thurman"
"Zen Gesner - Agent Petersen"
"Tony Cox - Shonté Jackson, Layla's boyfriend"
"The Baileygates Triplets"
"Mike Cerrone - Officer Stubie"
"John-Eliot Jordan - Pizza Boy"
"Michael Bowman - Whitey/Casper/Milky"
"Rex Allen Jr. (voice) - Narrator"