203 quotes found
"[Opening narration] I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance. [sigh] But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology."
"This is the damndest season I've ever had; the Durham Bulls can't lose and I can't get laid!"
"[narrating] Baseball may be a religion full of magic, cosmic truth, and the fundamental ontological riddles of our time, but it's also a job."
"[narrating] The world's made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness."
"[narrating] "Full many a flower's born to blush unseen and waste its sweetness on the desert air." - Thomas Gray...or William Cullen Bryant, I don't know. I get them mixed up."
"[Closing narration] Walt Whitman once said, "I see great things in baseball. It's our game, the American game. It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us." You could look it up."
"[To Nuke] Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the Show, you can let the fungus grow back on your shower shoes and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the Show, however, it means you're a slob."
"[Turns on the sprinklers on a ball field] Oh my goodness, we've got ourselves a natural disaster!"
"[Adjusts Nuke's garter belt] The rose goes on the front, big guy."
"[To the batter after Nuke ignores his signs] This sonofabitch's pitching a 2-hit shutout and he's shaking me off, you believe that shit? Charlie, here comes the deuce, and when you speak of me, speak well."
"Never fuck with a winning streak."
"[Complaining to an umpire] That was a cocksucking call!"
"You know what the difference between hitting .250 and .300 is? It's 25 hits. 25 hits in 500 at-bats is 50 points, okay? There's six months in a season; that's about twenty-five weeks. That means if you get just one extra flare a week, just one; A gork, a groundball—you get a groundball with eyes—you get a dying quail...just one more dying quail a week, and you're in Yankee Stadium."
"I've been known on occasion to howl at the moon."
"[Repeated line] C'mon, Meat. Bring me that weak-ass shit."
"[Describing his first night with Annie] We didn't fuck. She just read poetry to me all night. It was more tiring than fucking."
""Limping jets of love"...Hey, Crash. Does that mean what I think it means, "limping jets of love"?"
"[Wearing Annie's garter belt under his uniform for the first time] This underwear feels kinda sexy...that don't make me queer, right? Right."
"Why does he want me to throw the heat again, I just threw it. No, don't think, Meat, just give him the gas."
"[Gives up a hit in a close game] Shit, piss, fuck!"
"A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while."
"A Major League love story in a Minor League town."
"It's all about sex and sport. What else is there?"
"Romance is a lot like baseball. It's not whether you win or lose. It's how you play the game."
"A movie about America's other favorite pastime."
"Kevin Costner - Lawrence "Crash" Davis"
"Susan Sarandon - Annie Savoy"
"Tim Robbins - Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh"
"Trey Wilson - Joe "Skip" Riggins"
"Robert Wuhl - Larry Hockett"
"William O'Leary - Jimmy"
"Jenny Robertson - Millie"
"Danny Gans - Deke"
"Max Patkin - Himself"
"[running around on the track in his underwear, thinking he is on fire] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!"
"I sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. And if that doesn't work out I'm thinking about getting a gun, and dealin' crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, "Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack?". I'm just kinda waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out."
"Hey, Jamie! Losing's never fun, but here's a little something to pick your spirits up... (flips bird) It's real nice...I got it at Target...it was on sale."
"[driving his first race] Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I'M GETTIN' TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!"
"[Looking under the hood of his race car] Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!"
"Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady part stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use...Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR."
"You gotta win to get love. I mean, that's just life. Look at...look at Don Shula. Legendary coach. Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record for eatin' all those hot dogs in a row. Look at Rue McClanahan. From The Golden Girls. Three people, all great champions, all loved."
"Mr. Dennit, with all due respect, and remember I'm sayin' with all due respect, that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin gettin' it on."
"[doing a Big Red commercial] My friends used to call me Big Red, but I told 'em "Stop it!" 'cause there's only one Big Red in town, America's number 1 cinnamon gum. What? What did you say? That's what I thought. DICK"
"I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then fuck you."
"Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner, and what better gift to give a loved one [pulls out knife] than this Jackhawk 9000. Available at Wal-Mart!"
"When you work on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you need the right tools too. That's why you should use [is tossed a box of tampons] Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR."
"I like to picture my Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. 'Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too. I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party."
"Now, I've got a message for all the other drivers out there. If you smell a delicious, crispy smell after the race, it's not your tailpipe. It's just a little of Shake...and Bake!"
"[after Girard breaks Ricky's arm] Hold on a second, Mr. Fancy-Pants Foreigner. You just broke my bro's arm. Now you're 'bout to get tasered. Say hello to Dr. Watts!"
"[to Ricky, in the hospital] There's somethin' I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread, man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff...I was totally nude...it was weird. I mean, you probably didn't hear about it 'cause I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow...that I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho."
"I like to think of Jesus like a muscular trapeze artist."
"I like to think of Jesus like a shapeshifter, or a changeling, like that guy--You ever hear of that TV show Manimal?"
"We go together like Easter mornin' and Lyme Disease."
"We go together like suits of armor and electrical storms."
"I'm just sayin' we click, you know? We're like skateboardin' and freeway ramps."
"We go together like pigs and swimmin'."
"We go together like tuna fish and cigarettes."
"We go together like campin' trips and head lice."
"We go together like square dancin' and handguns. Right?"
"Don't make me bring the darkness. [pulls out taser]"
"We go together like cocaine and waffles."
"If you ain't first, you're last!"
"[Getting thrown out of Ricky's school] You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This is egregious! You hear me? Egregious!"
"I saw what happened to you in that race. You saw the fear. You need to learn to drive with the fear, and there ain't nothin' more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car."
"Hey, close the door and come in. I got weed in here, cowboy."
"[to Ricky who is delivering pizza on a bike] Hey, is that a Huffy? That's a nice-lookin' bike, boy!"
"Hell, Ricky, I was high when I said that! That makes no sense at all! "First or last"! I mean, you could be second, third, fourth--hell, you could even be fifth!"
"Daddy, you made that grace your bitch."
"I like to think of Jesus like a ninja, fightin' off evil samurai."
"[as Ricky attempts to pass Girard in a race] Send that weird man back to Indonesia!"
"You're gonna break us like wild horses, ain't you?"
"Shut up, chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!"
"Greatest generation my ass, Tom Brokaw is a punk!"
"Grandfather, can't we resolve this conflict without anger?"
"[Shouting at a neighbor's house] Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em!"
"What you lookin' at, Popeye?"
"Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!"
"Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!"
"One'a you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!"
"[throwing away their junk] Aw, Nana, not my prison shank."
"You look old, Granny, are you gonna die today?"
"[eating at Applebee's] It's Applebee-riffic!"
"[about being a pit crew member] Sorry, Lucius, but it's a hard habit to break, like stalking an ex-girlfriend."
"Peaches and cream!"
"Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword King Arthur used to bring together the knights of the roundtable, until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen [whispering] in the biblical sense."
"[After Ricky has stabbed himself in the leg] Here, we'll use this knife to pry the other one out!"
"[As Ricky races for the first time] Just remember this, Ricky: you wreck that car, that's $200,000 out of your pocket!"
"Glenn, shut up."
"Sometimes, when it's late at night, I dress up like Donna Summers. I put on the skirt, and the four inch heels...I love it. [singing] Last chance, for romance, for love....."
"Carley Bobby: [about Walker and Texas Ranger] If we wanted us some wussies, we would have named them 'Dr. Quinn' and 'Medicine Woman', okay?"
"Carley, Cal, Walker, Texas Ranger: Jenga!"
"Announcer at Racetrack: [after Girard completes a successful lap] Ladies and gentlemen, that is a new track record. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole - which is, of course, a statement of fact and in no way a comment on the driver's sexual orientation."
"Bill Weber: We'd like to thank you for joining us for NBC's coverage of NASCAR. Coming up next, it's "Ice Dancing To The Hits Of Motown"!"
"Bill Weber: Ricky Bobby wins! You'll never see anything like that in a hundred lifetimes! It was completely illegal and in no way will count, but, man, that was something!"
"Hershell: [about the jazz music] I want this music out of my head!"
"Kyle: [about the jazz music] Sounds like someone made a tape of somethin' dying or something!"
"Opening title card: America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, bad-ass speed. - Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936."
"Chip: As Thor said to Loki, "When you roll the dice, you pay the price.""
"The story of a man who could only count to #1."
"No One Can Handle The Curves, The Speed, The Heat, Like Ricky Bobby."
"You don't have to be quick to be fast."
"Will Ferrell - Ricky Bobby"
"Gary Cole - Reese Bobby"
"John C. Reilly - Cal Naughton, Jr."
"Sacha Baron Cohen - Jean Girard"
"Michael Clarke Duncan - Lucius Washington"
"Jane Lynch - Lucy Bobby"
"Leslie Bibb - Carley Bobby"
"Amy Adams - Susan"
"Houston Tumlin - Walker Bobby"
"Grayson Russell - Texas Ranger Bobby"
"Ted Manson - Chip"
"Jack McBrayer - Glenn"
"Greg Germann - Larry Dennit, Jr."
"Frank Welker - The Cougar."
"[to Molly] "Fuck." "Shit." These are highly technical golf terms; You're using them on your first lesson. This is promising."
"Does my inner child need a spanking?"
"[to Boone, who doesn't want to wager against Roy's car] That's because you think of it as transportation, Boone. Think of it as bragging rights. Think of yourself sitting around the bar, crowing to your cronies about the Cadillac you won from me. They'll forget all about the Winnebago you lost to me."
"[to Molly] I'm going to qualify for the U.S. Open and kick your boyfriend's ass. Whatever you think of me, you should know he hates old people, children, and dogs."
"Way I'm swinging today, nothing bugs me except insufficient applause."
"You know someone once said that golf and sex are the only two things you don't have to be good at to enjoy."
"Well, what the hell? You ride her until she bucks you or don't ride at all."
"I can always tell when someone's lying to himself. But I am quite susceptible and frequently wrong when that person lies to me!"
"Why do men always insist on measuring their dicks?"
"I find him... mildly attractive when he's obnoxious and arrogant like this."
"Look, boss, I only got one rule. And that's never bet money that you don't have on a dog race with an ex-girlfriend who happens to be a stripper."
"[to Roy] You won't listen to me, will you? Even when I'm trying to help you, man. After all these years you think I'm full of shit?"
"[to Roy] You're a head case. You always have been, always will be."
"Clint: [about Molly] How can such a pretty girl have such an ugly swing."
"Earl: [about Roy] The word normal and him don't often collide in the same sentence."
"David Simms: Can you people not see that I'm busy? I'm working. This is my office. Do I come to your office and ask for an autograph? I don't think so. Jesus. What an ugly dog."
"TV Director: Another driving range pro, it's all we needed. It's heroes that I need. Not obscure driving range pros."
"Jim Nantz: Unbelievable. McAvoy has done it. You just saw the greatest round in U.S. Open history. The all-time lowest round in a major doesn't belong to a Jack Nicklaus or an Arnold Palmer, Hogan, Nelson or Snead. It's been shot by the most improbable artist of all. Roy McAvoy has his signature on golf's all-time masterpiece round."
"Doreen: [to Molly] You're not one of those women who tries to fix men, I hope. I mean, men cannot be fixed, and especially him."
"Kevin Costner - Roy 'Tin Cup' McAvoy"
"Rene Russo - Dr. Molly Griswold"
"Don Johnson - David Simms"
"Cheech Marin - Romeo Posar"
"Linda Hart - Doreen"
"Dennis Burkley - Earl"
"Rex Linn - Dewey"
"Lou Myers - Clint"
"Richard Lineback - Curt"
"George Perez - Jose"
"Mickey Jones - Turk"
"Michael Milhoan - Boone"
"I'm droppin the hammer."
"Let me drive I won't make a fool out of you."
"Claire, I'm more afraid of being nothing than I am of being hurt."
"[After rubbin' Rowdy] Remember me?"
"[talking to a race-car chassis] I'm gonna give you an engine, low to the ground... extra thick oil pan that'll cut the wind from underneath ya, see. It'll give you thirty or forty more horsepower. I'm gonna give you a fuel line that'll hold an extra gallon of gas. I'm gonna shave half an inch off you and shape you like a bullet. I'll get you primed, painted and weighed, and you'll be ready to go out on that racetrack. You hear me? You're gonna be perfect."
"[talking to "his" race-car] I'm settin' you up for cool weather... but if that sun breaks, after you're out on the track, you're liable to run real loose real quick. Now I don't wanna worry you or nothin, but, Cole's not ready for that... he's changed, see, he's changed. You cannot get out of control and expect him to bring you right back. He's liable to hurt you, you're liable to hurt him, and... I couldn't handle that, so, ah, you've gotta take care of him... see... you gotta take care of him."
"No, no, he didn't slam you, he didn't bump you, he didn't nudge you... he rubbed you. And rubbin, son, is racin'."
"His way... [slaps a ruined tire] my way... [slaps a lightly worn tire] I was six seconds faster."
"Tim, take a look at that hound. That's the best coon-dog I ever seen or heard about and I didn't teach him a damn thing."
"Drivers can't stand to be reminded of what can happen to 'em in a racecar. They, they don't go to hospitals, they don't go to funerals. You get a driver to a funeral before he's actually dead, you've made history, darlin'."
"Now, Cole, when you shift the gear and that little needle on the tach goes into the red and reads 9000 RPMs, that's bad."
"[calmly] We messed up big time on Sunday. I had sponsors in the stands and I'm huggin' and holdin' hands and kissin' em in the ears and prayin' for a good showin'. And what do we do? [shouting] We end up lookin' like a monkey fuckin' a football out there!"
"If you're from California, you're not a Yankee. You're not really anything."
"And Harry, I know you're great, you know you're great, but if the guy in the car doesn't trust you, we're never gonna win a damn race."
"Ok, I'm going to pull this rookie's chain."
"I'm gonna take this rookie, once and for all."
"The boy don't have the balls to pass me on the outside."
"You and Rowdy have the same sickness, it's called denial and it's probably going to kill you both."
"Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac. Nobody knows what's gonna happen next: not on a freeway, not in an airplane, not inside our own bodies and certainly not on a racetrack with 40 other infantile egomaniacs."
"You can't stop the thunder."
"You can't outrun the thunder."
"Cruise like Thunder."
"Tom Cruise — Cole Trickle"
"Robert Duvall — Harry Hogge"
"Randy Quaid — Tim Daland"
"Michael Rooker — Rowdy Burns"
"Nicole Kidman — Claire Lewicki"
"This guy's Houdini squared."
"He's Don Juan on one side and Josef Mengele on the other."
"Multiply your anger by about 100, Kate. That's how much he thinks he loves you."
"Hello, I'm Kate McTiernan. First, I'd like to say something to the families who have a loved one missing. Please do not give up hope. There are other women where I was held and I believe in my heart that they are still alive. Second, to the boys who fished me out of the river and saved my life, and to the nurses and doctors here who are taking such excellent care of me, and for the thousands of letters and prayers I've received from all across America, thank you. And last, to the man who calls himself Casanova. The man who took me from my own home and ultimately tried to kill me. I broke your rules, just me. None of the other women helped. So if you're looking for someone to blame, blame me. That's all I have to say right now. Thank you for taking my message to the families of the missing and I hope it helps a little bit. Thank you."
"Look, cave systems sometimes break ground. It's a small chance. But if we stay here, we'll die. Let's go."
"I'm an English teacher, not fucking Tomb Raider."
"You can move. Sarah, look at me, look at me. The worst thing that could have happened to you has already happened and you're still here. This is just a poxy cave and there's nothing left to be afraid of, I promise."
"Well...they're totally blind. And judging from what we've seen, I'd say they use sound to hunt with. Like a bat. And they've evolved perfectly to live down here in the dark. Whatever they are, they go to the surface to hunt. And they bring their food back down here to eat, through an entrance."
"You think it's dark when you turn out the lights, well down there it's pitch black."
"If you're a caver, jumper, climber...you just do it and not give a shite. Or the thing that's bigger than you will get you."
"The queen is dead. Long live... the fucking... [falling over] queen!"
"This one time in Galway, when I free-climbed the cathedral, a priest chased me down the whole of the ground floor. That was brilliant."
"Shauna Macdonald Sarah Carter"
"Natalie Mendoza Juno Kaplan"
"Alex Reid Beth O'Brien"
"MyAnna Buring Sam Vernet"
"Saskia Mulder Rebecca Vernet"
"Nora Jane Noone Holly Mills"
"[walking to her parent's house] Missi Jenkins is a whore! And I kicked her ass! Kicked her stupid ass. Don't call me, Greg, when she dumps you! Because I won't call you back! No fucking way! I'm gonna be too busy fucking models and shit!"
"Poom! Later, loser."
"Melissa McCarthy as Tammy Banks"
"Susan Sarandon as Pearl Balzen"
"Allison Janney as Deb"
"Dan Aykroyd as Don"
"Kathy Bates as Lenore"
"Gary Cole as Earl Tilman"
"Nat Faxon as Greg"
"Toni Collette as Missi Jenkins"
"Mark Duplass as Bobby Tilman"
"Ben Falcone as Keith Morgan"