138 quotes found
"That's nothing, it's a...birthmark."
"Hard six coming out."
"It's my long-life food preservative. The FDA finally approved it!"
"Eddie, This is great! They don't have any of these games at the Mirage."
"His name is not Papagiorgio. His name is Rusty Griswold and he's a C+ student!"
"Don't think unnatural thoughts about your cousin, Rus."
"...and he want's to enter that garden, with a knowledge, and a mulch..."
"Oh, Keno! This is easy."
"My pen burst. (after hotel employee notices Clark's arm is blue from falling in the plane's toilet)"
"(after an attempt to have sex with Clark in the bathroom goes horribly wrong) I'll never fly again."
"Clark, this is a family trip. Can you try to stay with the family."
"Could be worse...you could be pregnant again."
"You find the Clark Griswold that I married and you tell him that I'm at the Mirage!"
"I love what you've done with the kitchenette."
"Well, I don't know what you would do with your horses, because, Clark likes to use the garage for the cars and the lawn mower."
"I've got news for you Clark. I haven't said yes, yet."
"Couldn't you just roll us around on the bed again."
"I put a dollar in I won a car, I put a dollar in I won a car, I put a dollar in I won a car, I put a dollar in I won a car."
"Who would have thought my sister had the legs of a thoroughbred. Am I right?"
"So I says to him, I said, "Get your own monkey!""
"It's expensive having an entourage."
"Security: "No corrective lenses tonight Mr Papagiorgio?" Rusty: "No sir, I do not require them.""
"Holy crap, Wayne Newton's hittin' on mom!"
"Clark, have you ever tried to swim with the dolphins?"
"[to Wayne Newton] Do you need a bodyguard? I'd die for you!"
"Aw, she's got her mother's looks and her daddy's sense of balance."
"My garden's spittin' out 50-lb tomatoes."
"Hey, kids. Round-up time!"
"Oh, yeah. That's from when I sold my kidney. I figured with all the advancements in modern science, I'd better sell it while someone still wanted to buy it. Smartest thing I ever did, Clark."
"Ahh Uban Coffee you know you can sprinkle that stuff on anything, ice cream, mashed potatoes or just eat it straight out of the can for a quick pick me up."
"Don't worry, he's with me."
"It's a bust, Las Vegas fun police, hand over your chips. ha ha ha ha"
"Whoa man it is a blazer out there. You're lucky you got air conditioning in here {Casino} - like mother nature intended."
"I gotta warn ya Clark – they don’t play the same games that they do at them regular casinos"
"Lord is my witness, I hate this heat! If it isn't gluing your butt to the truck seat it's making you sweat like a farm animal!"
"In this world, you’re either up on the stage in the spotlight, or down in the pit serving drinks"
"Honey, these boys ain't much to talk to, but, if you want a night away from your cat... they're more than fine."
"Jilly - That's it, kid. Now all we have to do is teach you how to dress."
"Roy - What a great audience."
"Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold"
"- Ellen Griswold"
"- Cousin Eddie"
"- Russell "Rusty" Griswold"
"- Audrey Griswold"
"- Cousin Catherine"
"- Cousin Vicki"
"Juliette Brewer - Cousin Ruby Sue"
"- Marty the Blackjack dealer"
"- "Girl in the Red Ferrari" (non-speaking cameo)"
"- Mirage desk clerk"
"- themselves"
"- young Frank Sinatra impersonator/fake ID salesman"
"- Mr. Ellis"
"- "Gilly from Philly""
"Some guys just can't handle Vegas"
"Whose baby is this?"
"Am I missing a tooth?"
"I stole a police car?!"
"What happened last night?"
"Where the hell is my tiger?"
"Have you seen this man?"
"Easy, tiger!"
"You mess with the wrong guy."
"Well, technically, I'm an escort."
"Bradley Cooper - Phil Wenneck"
"Ed Helms - Dr. Stuart "Stu" Price"
"Zach Galifianakis - Alan Garner"
"Justin Bartha - Doug Billings"
"Heather Graham - Jade"
"Sasha Barrese - Tracy Garner"
"Jeffrey Tambor - Sid Garner"
"Ken Jeong - Leslie Chow"
"Rachael Harris - Melissa"
"Mike Tyson - Himself"
"Mike Epps - Black Doug"
"Jernard Burks - Leonard"
"Rob Riggle - Officer Franklin"
"Cleo King - Officer Garden"
"Bryan Callen - Eddie Palermo"
"I don't know if I started drinking 'cause my wife left me or my wife left me 'cause I started drinking, but fuck it anyway."
"[to Sera] We both know that I'm a drunk. And I know you are a hooker. I hope you understand that I am a person who is totally at ease with that. Which is not to say that I'm indifferent or I don't care, I do. It simply means that I trust and accept your judgment."
"Are you desirable? Are you irresistible? Maybe if you drank bourbon with me, it would help. Maybe if you kissed me and I could taste the sting in your mouth it would help. If you drank bourbon with me naked. If you smelled of bourbon as you fucked me, it would help. It would increase my esteem for you. If you poured bourbon onto your naked body and said to me "drink this". If you spread your legs and you had bourbon dripping from your breasts and your pussy and said "drink here" then I could fall in love with you. Because then I would have a purpose. To clean you up and that, that would prove that I'm worth something. I'd lick you clean so that you could go away and fuck someone else."
"[to Sera] I'll tell you, right now... I'm in love with you. But, be that as it may, I am not here to force my twisted soul into your life."
"Included with the rent 'round here is a complimentary blow-job."
"You know, I bring out the best in the men who fuck me. I mean, it's not easy, but I'm very good. I mean, it's amazing. It's like I've- I've worked for a really long time and: Boom. I just turn on a dime. I can just become who they want me to be, I walk into that room, I know right away: This is their fantasy. And I become it. I'm that service, you know. I just- I perform it and I perform it well. I mean, I'm an equation most of the time, it's like 30 minutes of my body is... cost 300 dollars. Well, that's just to get into the room. And then, it's about 500 dollars after that, you know, we negotiate. But, ehm, it's a performance. It's definitely a performance."
"That's nice talk, Ben - keep drinking. Between the 101-proof breath and the occasional bits of drool, some interesting words come out."
"You go back to your hotel and I'll go back to my glamorous life of being alone. The only thing I have to come home to is a bottle of mouthwash to get the taste of cum out of my mouth. I'm tired of being alone. That's what I'm tired of."
"I think the tough times are finally behind me. There'll always be bad things, but... my life is good. It is as I want it to be. It's good. It's good being here with you."
"I think the thing is, we both realized that we didn't have that much time. And I accepted him for who he was, and I didn't expect him to change, and I think he felt that for me, too. I liked his drama, and he needed me. And I loved him. I really loved him."
"Nicolas Cage - Ben Sanderson"
"Elisabeth Shue - Sera"
"Julian Sands - Yuri Butso"
"Richard Lewis - Peter"
"Valeria Golino - Terri"
"Steven Weber - Marc Nussbaum"
"Emily Procter - Debbie"
"Thomas Kopache - Mr. Simpson"
"Laurie Metcalf - Mrs. Van Houten"
"French Stewart - Business Man #2"
"R. Lee Ermey - Conventioneer"
"Mariska Hargitay - Hooker at Bar"
"Julian Lennon - Bartender #3 in Biker Bar"
"Graham Beckel - L.A. Bartender"
"Albert Henderson - Man at Strip Bar"
"Carey Lowell - Bank Teller"
"Vincent Ward - Businessman #1"
"Lucinda Jenney - Weird Woman"
"Ed Lauter - Mobster #3"
"Mike Figgis - Mobster #1"
"Xander Berkeley - Cynical Cabbie"
"Jessica Alba - Girl (deleted scene)"
"[As he has raw sex with Jilly Miranda] Jack and Jilly went up the hilly to fetch a pale of water!"
"You are one daffy invididual!"
"I like it... Hit the road, flee for your life, meet a doll who's got "once and a lifetime girl of my dreams and reason to believe" written all over her like so much graffiti. It could only happen to the god of fuck."
"[After the alligator boy screams] That be a cry laden with pain and sorrow"
"Desmond the alligator boy is a major happener"
"When you think about it, the world is divided into 2 groups... pandas and alligator boys"
"[Telling Jack that the whore thought Pilot was sexually confused] Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you?"
"So, it was cool, you know? I told her about my troubles and she was like, 'sexual confusion's a tricky thing'. Sexual confusion? I mean, easy on the sexual confusion tip, baby. You make me sound like a guy in a raincoat with a fistful of vaseline, you know? [Laughs] Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you...?"
"[To Jack and Pilot] Are you guys by any chance, in love?"
"A field... I need a field... A field in which to frolic!"
"Congratulations you just became the Sir Edmund Hillary of assholes. You climbed the highest mountain, Pilot. There's five big ones."
"[Walks up to Pilot] You the boyfriend? You like alligator dick? [Touches Pilot's lips] Like to suck it?"
"What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? ...it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies...""
"Jared Leto as Jack"
"Jake Gyllenhaal as Pilot"
"Selma Blair as Cassie"
"John C. McGinle as Johnny the Fox"
"Jeremy Piven as Scawldy"
"Arden Myrin as Lucy"
"Kimberley Kates as Jilly Miranda"
"Mark Rolston as Burt Miranda"
"Jarret Thomas as Kid #1"
"Stephen Shellen as Clark Hayes"
"Matthew Davis as Booty"
"Madeline Parquette as Pilot's Mom"
"George Spielvogel III as Boneman"
"Come as you are"