184 quotes found
"Life's a fragile thing, Harr. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, and the next minute you're dead meat."
"Hey. Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? [makes a loud, weird noise]"
"[pretends to promote Turbo Lax] One half teaspoon, for fast, effective relief."
"[after dumping Turbo Lax in Harry's tea] To my friend, Harry... the matchmaker."
"(about a passing woman at the preservation society) I'd like to eat her liver with some "farver" beans and a nice bottle of chianti! [he and Harry imitate Hannibal Lecter]"
"Mary, I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy."
"[deleted scene] Let me ask you something. Do you want to end up like Petey? Dead? In some flea-ridden apartment? Face down in your own droppings? A soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Come on, Harry! Don't you see what Petey was trying to say to you? You got to take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!"
"Yeah, I'm heading to Aspen myself. Maybe we could meet up and have some hot chocolate."
"You know, Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!"
"[to Mary, while looking at a pair of owls] Nice set of hooters you got there."
"What the one doesn't have, the other is missing."
"For Harry and Lloyd every day is a no-brainer."
"Jim Carrey — Lloyd Christmas"
"Jeff Daniels — Harry Dunne"
"Lauren Holly — Mary Swanson"
"Mike Starr — Joe 'Mental' Mentaliano"
"Karen Duffy — J.P. Shay"
"Charles Rocket — Nicholas Andre"
"Victoria Rowell — FBI Special Agent Beth Jordan"
"[Caleb is crying] Stop that, boy!"
"[Jeremiah and Caleb see a bird flying across the sky] Hawk. Goin' for the Musselshell. Take me a week's ridin', and he'll be there in... hell, he's there already."
"[to Jeremiah at first meeting, when Del was buried up to his neck in sand] No one's passed in front of me, can't say what's happened behind me."
"There's a fine horse under me."
"Ain't that Hatchet Jack's rifle?"
"[to Jeremiah after slipping fresh scalps onto his pack horse in face of approaching Indians] I didn't know they was gonna be Flatheads."
"[to Jeremiah] You turn down this gift, and they'll slit you, me, Caleb and the horses from crotch to eyeball with a dull deer antler!"
"He may be a Christian and speak of the bible, but he still an Indian, and his rules is his rules. If you value your hair, you will get married!"
"[to Jeremiah at his wedding] You can take her to Fort Hauley and sell her, but you best take her my friend. Maybe she ain't near bad."
"“I ain’t never seen ’em, but my common sense tells me the Andes is foothills and the Alps is for children to climb. Keep good care of your hair. These here is God’s finest sculpturins and there ain’t no laws for the brave ones. And there ain’t no asylums for the crazy ones. And there ain’t no churches excepting for this right here. And there ain’t no priests excepting the birds. By God I are a mountain man and I’ll live until an arrow or a bullet finds me and then I’ll leave my bones right here on this great map of the magnificent…"
"[to Jeremiah amidst his ongoing fight with the Crows] I cannot brag on your choice of campsites."
"[note on Hatchet Jack] I, Hatchet Jack, being of sound mind and broke legs, do hereby leaveth my bear rifle to whatever finds it, Lord hope it be a white man. It is a good rifle, and killt the bear that killt me. Anyway, I am dead. Yours truly, Hatchet Jack."
"His name was Jeremiah Johnson, and they say he wanted to be a mountain man. The story goes that he was a man of proper wit and adventurous spirit, suited to the mountains. Nobody knows where abouts he come from and don't seem to matter much. He was a young man and ghosty stories about the tall hills didn't scare him none. He was looking for a Hawken gun, .50 caliber or better. He settled for a .30, but damn, it was a genuine Hawken, and you couldn't go no better. Bought him a good horse, and traps, and other truck that went with being a mountain man, and said good-bye to whatever life was down there below."
"A man of peace driven wild!"
"The man who became a legend. The film destined to be a classic!"
"His Mountain. His Peace. His Great Hunts. His Young Bride. With All That, It Should Have Been Different."
"Some say he's dead...some say he never will be."
"Robert Redford - Jeremiah Johnson"
"Will Geer - Bear Claw Chris Lapp"
"Stefan Gierasch - Del Gue"
"Delle Bolton - Swan"
"Josh Albee - Caleb"
"Joaquín Martínez - Paints His Shirt Red"
"Allyn Ann McLerie - the Crazy Woman"
"Paul Benedict - Reverend Lindquist"
"Jack Colvin - Lieutenant Mulvey"
"Matt Clark - Qualen"
"Richard Angarola - Chief Two-Tongues Lebreaux"
"Charles Tyner - Robidoux"
"[While giving guns to newly freed prisoners] C'mon! We're all going to die, die standing up!"
"[talks to the teenagers over their supplies] You think you're tough for eating beans every day? There's half a million scarecrows in Denver who'd give anything for one mouthful of what you got. They've been under siege for about three months. They live on rats and sawdust bread and sometimes... on each other. At night, the pyres for the dead light up the sky. It's medieval."
"[briefing Soviet Army officers and troops about the Wolverines; in Russian] What I despise most about warfare, is the hypocrisy it often breeds. I've heard euphemisms that we are 'containing the enemy', that our 'sector of pacification is growing'. These are the tactics of the lie. Lies have the stench of death and defeat. You can only win a war by exterminating the enemy! Do you know who we are fighting? [points to board] We are fighting Wolverines: small, ferocious animals. For them, you need a hunter. And you know, I am a hunter. From this moment on, there will be no further reprisals against civilians. This was stupid. Impotence. Comrades, if a fox stole your chickens, would you slaughter your pig because he saw the fox? No! You would hunt down the fox, find where it lives and destroy it! How do we do this? Become a fox."
"Patrick Swayze - Jed Eckert"
"C. Thomas Howell - Robert Morris"
"Lea Thompson - Erica Mason"
"Charlie Sheen - Matt Eckert"
"Darren Dalton - Daryl Bates"
"Jennifer Grey - Toni Mason"
"Brad Savage - Danny Bates"
"Doug Toby - Arturo "Aardvark" Mondragon"
"Powers Boothe - Lt. Col. Andrew "Andy" Tanner, USAF"
"Ben Johnson - Mr. Jack Mason"
"Harry Dean Stanton - Tom Eckert"
"Ron O'Neal - Colonel Ernesto Bella"
"William Smith - Colonel Strelnikov"
"Vladek Sheybal - General Bratchenko"
"Frank McRae - Mr. Teasdale"
"Roy Jenson - Mr. Samuel Morris"
"Pepe Serna - Mr. Mondragón"
"Lane Smith - Mayor Bates"
"Judd Omen - Nicaraguan Captain"
"Radames Pera - Sgt. Stepan Gorsky"
"I'm 39, and I'm saying "Moo, cow!" in a river! Do you believe this!?"
"Let's bring out the cake!"
"Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place."
"[to a classroom full of children on Career Day] Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so fast. When you’re a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, “What happened to my twenties?” Your forties, you grow a little pot belly, you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud. One of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Fifties you have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery. Sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud, but it doesn’t matter because you can’t hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, start eating dinner at two o'clock in the afternoon, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate soft yogurt and muttering “How come the kids don’t call? How come the kids don’t call?” The eighties, you’ve had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can’t stand but who you call mama. Any questions?"
"[singing] Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them dogies rollin', man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Get 'em up, move 'em out, wake 'em up, get 'em dressed, get 'em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide! Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, smack my thighs - with a big wet strap of, Rawhide!"
"[to a Spanish doctor treating a puncture wound on his buttock] Excuse me, el doctor! Helloooo...? Don't sew anything up that's supposed to remain open, OK?"
"To Curly, as they're delivering a calf.] You know, this was not in the brochure."
"[while Phil is taking pictures of Mitch getting his butt wound stitched] Phil, let the man keep what's left of his dignity."
"No, that was "I like your ass; can I wear it as a hat?"."
"TRUSTED us? They don't even KNOW us! They followed us because we yelled "yah!"."
"What'd ya use for protection, Phil; paper or plastic?"
"Charge all this to my Visa [spits out chewing tobacco and it lands on a denim shirt for sale] I'll take that shirt, too."
"If hate were people, I'd be China!!"
"[Seeing Bonnie for the first time] You know, when I was alive, I would've found her attractive."
"Now let's have some peace and quiet around here, for Christ's sakes! I'm tired! I been under a lot of stress! I lost my wife, I lost my job, and I got some sort of rash from making in the bushes!"
"[at Curly's impromptu funeral] The man ate bacon at every meal... you just can't do that!"
"I've gotta stop being a schmuck."
"I crap bigger than you."
"You're spookin' the cattle."
"She a redhead? I like redheads."
"City folk."
"Great gobs of goose shit!"
"I feel as happy as a puppy dog with two peters."
"When you three first got here, you were as worthless as hen shit on a pump handle. But look at ya now; a bunch of tenderfeet bringin' in a whole herd!"
"Yesterday they were businessmen; today they are cowboys; tomorrow they'll be walking funny."
"Billy Crystal- Mitch Robbins"
"Daniel Stern- Phil Berquist"
"Bruno Kirby- Ed Furillo"
"Jack Palance- Curly"
"Helen Slater- Bonnie Chambers"
"Noble Willingham- Clay Stone"
"Tracey Walter- Cookie"
"Patricia Wettig- Barbara Robbins"
"Yeardley Smith- Nancy"
"Jake Gyllenhaal- Danny Robbins"
"You think you can win on talent alone? Gentlemen, you don't have enough talent to win on talent alone. Again!"
"You better think about something else, each and every one of you. When you pull on that jersey, you represent yourself and your teammates...and the name on the front is a hell of a lot more important than the one on the back! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD! AGAIN!"
"You keep playing this way, you won't beat anyone that's good, let alone great! You want to make this team, then you better start playing at a level that's gonna FORCE ME TO KEEP YOU HERE! AGAIN!"
"This cannot be a team of common men. Because common men go nowhere. You have to be uncommon. Again."
"[Addressing the team before the US-USSR game] Great moments...are born from great opportunity. And that's what you have here, tonight, boys. That's what you've earned here tonight. One game. If we played 'em ten times, they might win nine. But not this game, not tonight. Tonight, we skate with them. Tonight, we stay with them...and we shut them down because we can! Tonight, we... are the greatest hockey team in the world. You were born to be hockey players. Every one of you. And you were meant to be here tonight. This is your time. Their time...is done. It's over. I'm sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have. Screw 'em! This... is your time! Now go out there and take it!"
"[Speaking to team during the last intermission in the US-USSR game] Listen to 'em (the crowd chanting U-S-A!). That's what you've done. Now, we've come from behind in every game in this tournament so far and we can do it again. [team blankly stares] We can beat these guys! Everybody in!... Who do you play for?"
"[Epilogue voiceover] Two days later, the miracle was made complete. My boys defeated Finland to win the gold medal, coming from behind once again. As I watched them out there, celebrating on the ice, I realized that Patti had been right. It was a lot more than a hockey game, not only for those who watched it, but for those who played in it. I've often been asked in the years since Lake Placid what was the best moment for me. Well, it was here - the sight of 20 young men of such differing backgrounds now standing as one. Young men willing to sacrifice so much of themselves, all for an unknown. A few years later, the U.S. began using professional athletes at the Games - "Dream Teams". I always found that term ironic because now that we have Dream Teams, we seldom ever get to dream. But on one weekend, as America and the world watched, a group of remarkable young men gave the nation what it needed most - a chance, for one night, not only to dream, but a chance, once again, to believe."
"Johnson over to Ramsey! Bilyaletdinov gets checked by Ramsey! McClanahan is there! The puck is still loose! Eleven seconds-- [original audio broadcast] You've got ten seconds, the countdown going on right now! Morrow, up to Silk! Five seconds left in the game! Do you believe in miracles?! YES!!!"
"What America needed was a miracle. What it got was a hockey game."
"If you believe in yourself, Miracles can happen."
"The story of the greatest moment in sports history."
"Their game made them winners. Their spirit made them heroes."
"Do you believe in miracles?"
"Kurt Russell - Coach Herb Brooks"
"Noah Emmerich - Coach Craig Patrick"
"Patricia Clarkson - Patti Brooks"
"Sean McCann - Walter Bush"
"Kenneth Welsh - Doc Nagobads"
"Eddie Cahill - Jim Craig"
"Patrick O'Brien Demsey as Mike Eruzione"
"Michael Mantenuto - Jack O'Callahan"
"Nathan West - Rob McClanahan"
"Bobby Hanson - Dave Silk"
"Nate Miller - John Harrington"
"Kris Wilson - Phil Verchota"
"Scott Johnson - Steve Christoff"
"[about Travis] Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten."
"[angrily] We watch TV in four separate rooms and we IM each other when dinner's ready."
"We have to hang together and stay strong."
"Sewage tank is overflowing."
"[to Carl] It's gonna be a regular Field of Dreams moment for us, buddy."
"Todd, I quit."
"You're just determined to have a bad time, aren't you? [Cassie: We all are, Dad.] Not me. I embrace every challenge."
"Jamie: Who is that maniac?"
"Cassie: [about the Gornickes] What do they like about us? We're not even that appealing!"
"Carl: DAD!!! THE TOILET'S BACKED UP!"
"Travis: Here's where you made your critical mistake: you listened to anything Howie and Joe Joe said. Nice boys, but they're a couple pliers short of a tool chest."
"Mary Jo: [about the Munros] Whoa. They are early risers."
"Earl: [about Bob] He-He was covered in turd."
"Moon: [about Carl] My hero."
"Billy: Mr. Munro, I was just telling Earl and Moon about that neat laptop you were usin'."
"Todd Mallory: Alright, no more details. Just email me the new proposal. [hangs up]"
"Howie: Oh, dude, that is nasty."
"Robin Williams as Bob Munro"
"Cheryl Hines as Jamie Munro"
"Joanna “JoJo” Levesque as Cassie Munro"
"Josh Hutcherson as Carl Munro"
"Jeff Daniels as Travis Gornicke"
"Kristin Chenoweth as Mary Jo Gornicke"
"Hunter Parrish as Earl Gornicke"
"Chloe Sonnenfeld as Moon Gornicke"
"Alex Ferris as Billy Gornicke"
"Will Arnett as Todd Mallory"
"Brendan Fletcher as Howie"
"Matthew Gray Gubler as Joe Joe"
"Barry Sonnenfeld as Irv"
"Richard Ian Cox as Laird (as Richard Cox)"
"Rob LaBelle as Larry Moiphine"
"Brian Markinson as Gary Moiphine"
"Ty Olsson as Diablo Pass Officer"
"Diane Michelle as Lola (voice) (uncredited)"
"[Firework flies up into the sky and pops] There we go. You fucking happy? Come on."
"Jennifer Aniston as Sarah "Rose" O'Reilly Miller"
"Jason Sudeikis as David Clark Miller"
"Emma Roberts as Casey Mathis Miller"
"Will Poulter as Kenny Rossmore Miller"
"Ed Helms as Brad Gurdlinger"
"Nick Offerman as Don Fitzgerald"
"Kathryn Hahn as Edie Fitzgerald"
"Molly Quinn as Melissa Fitzgerald"
"Ken Marino as Todd"
"Tomer Sisley as the real Pablo Chacon"
"Thomas Lennon as Rick Nathanson"
"Matthew Willig as One-Eye"
"Mark L. Young as Scottie P."
"Luis Guzmán as Mexican cop"
"Karuna Sun as Stripper/Pole Dancer"
"Scott Adsit as the doctor"