156 quotes found
"Life's a fragile thing, Harr. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, and the next minute you're dead meat."
"Hey. Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? [makes a loud, weird noise]"
"[pretends to promote Turbo Lax] One half teaspoon, for fast, effective relief."
"[after dumping Turbo Lax in Harry's tea] To my friend, Harry... the matchmaker."
"(about a passing woman at the preservation society) I'd like to eat her liver with some "farver" beans and a nice bottle of chianti! [he and Harry imitate Hannibal Lecter]"
"Mary, I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy."
"[deleted scene] Let me ask you something. Do you want to end up like Petey? Dead? In some flea-ridden apartment? Face down in your own droppings? A soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Come on, Harry! Don't you see what Petey was trying to say to you? You got to take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!"
"Yeah, I'm heading to Aspen myself. Maybe we could meet up and have some hot chocolate."
"You know, Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!"
"[to Mary, while looking at a pair of owls] Nice set of hooters you got there."
"What the one doesn't have, the other is missing."
"For Harry and Lloyd every day is a no-brainer."
"Jim Carrey — Lloyd Christmas"
"Jeff Daniels — Harry Dunne"
"Lauren Holly — Mary Swanson"
"Mike Starr — Joe 'Mental' Mentaliano"
"Karen Duffy — J.P. Shay"
"Charles Rocket — Nicholas Andre"
"Victoria Rowell — FBI Special Agent Beth Jordan"
"Is that... is that hair gel?"
"[about Mary] I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name."
"Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you."
"[while spying on Mary] Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative."
"The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker."
"Warning: The guys who did 'Dumb & Dumber' and 'Kingpin' bring you a love story."
"A love story with only one thing on its mind..."
"Love is in the hair."
"The most fun you can have on video."
"No animals were harmed in the making of this movie. Everybody else was on their own."
"There's Just Something About Her..."
"Cameron Diaz — Mary Jensen"
"Matt Dillon — Pat Healy"
"Ben Stiller — Ted Stroehmann"
"Chris Elliot — Dom Woganowski"
"Lee Evans — Tucker / Norm Phipps"
"Jeffrey Tambor — Sully"
"Markie Post — Sheila Jensen"
"Keith David — Charlie"
"W. Earl Brown — Warren Jensen"
"Sarah Silverman — Brenda"
"Khandi Alexander — Joanie"
"Willie Garson — Dr. Zit Face / High School Pal Bob"
"Brett Favre — himself"
"Richard Tyson — Detective Krevoy"
"Rob Moran — Detective Stabler"
"[A beginning montage of Charlie/Hank is riding his patrolbike] Meet Charlie. Helpful dad. Upstanding citizen. And an 18 year veteran of the greatest law enforcement agency in the land, The Rhode Island State Police. That's Charlie's home. Modest like the man. Even though he lived on the water, Charlie wasn't much of a swimmer. Which will come into play a little later in our story. But i'm getting way ahead of myself. You know maybe it's best if we just go back and beging at the beginning."
"It's funny how a man reacts when his heart gets broken. Some break down and cry like a baby. Others, they take out an Uzi and climb a clock tower."
"I'm not leaving till the morning, but you know the rules when I go: no bitches after eleven."
"Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure."
"Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone."
"Wanna start me up? Open the choke and pull the cord down. I'm due for Seismic event and you're dancing the fault line."
"I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid."
"Yeah, she's pretty much screwed. Come on, I'll buy you a beer."
"Had enough? Up yours."
"Arrivederci, deadwood."
"That was me. Yeah, big deal. The guy's got his glassjaw."
"This is my body! Do you understand that? I'm calling the shots from now on, Hank. I don't need you to fight my battles for me. If you back down from something this important, you're nothing at all. YOU'RE NOTHING AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"
"[Driving while singing along to The Dwarve’s MotherFucker song on the radio with Irene paranoidly recoiled as far as possible from him in her seat holding a lawn dart as a potential weapon] I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a [repeatedly] Mo... [glances over at Irene looking paranoid] Whoa, whoa, whoa. [Turns off radio] What's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'."
"[When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground] Well fuck my ozone."
"Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?"
"[After Hank crashes the guy's car into his shop] There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out. [Puts ticket on the windshield]"
"[To Irene] Come on, don't be mad, my little pussy-fart."
"Ever been bitch slapped?"
"[After Dicky falls on Hank] Warden. I want my own cell."
"[Being chased by FBI agents] Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!"
"Well looky here, it's a human Q-tip."
"[To Irene] Name's Hank, Hank Evans; for little girls..."
"We just got a report that he put six bullets into a prize cow's head. Poor thing's lucky to be alive. [Charlie's sons look at each other; Lee Harvey raises an eyebrow]"
"[Referring to father Charlie/Hank to FBI agents] He may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person!"
"Man, how the hell can they call Pluto a planet?! No motherfucking planet has an elliptical orbit! This shit don't make no sense!"
"[On Charlie's new chin sporting a chin dimple] He sure is a Spartacus looking motherfucker!"
"I've seen it first-hand; the guy's nuttier than squirrel turds!"
"[Upon leaving gas station store and seeing Hank Evans urinating into the tank of his vehicle] Get your cock out of my Chrysler, you son of a bitch!"
"[To Charlie/Hank's sons after handcuffing him to door of patrol vehicle] I promise you when I find your old man, I am personally gonna fuck him up!"
"[To FBI agents and police arrived to find him tied to tree with live chicken's head in rectum] Would someone please get this chicken out of my ass?"
"[Before ending credits] Thanks for watching our motherfucking movie!"
"Will you marry me, bitch?"
"Jim Carrey - Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans (the father of Triplets)"
"Renée Zellweger - Irene P. Waters, Charlie's 2nd wife (the stepmother of Triplets)"
"Chris Cooper - Lt. Gerke"
"Robert Forster - Colonel Partington"
"Richard Jenkins - Agent Boshane"
"Rob Moran - Trooper Finneran"
"Traylor Howard - Layla Baileygates, Charlie's 1st wife (the mother of Triplets)"
"Daniel Greene - Dickie Thurman"
"Zen Gesner - Agent Petersen"
"Tony Cox - Shonté Jackson, Layla's boyfriend"
"The Baileygates Triplets"
"Mike Cerrone - Officer Stubie"
"John-Eliot Jordan - Pizza Boy"
"Michael Bowman - Whitey/Casper/Milky"
"Rex Allen Jr. (voice) - Narrator"
"[points at Snooki's Guiness beer hat] Just because she is wearing a "Genius" hat, does not mean she is one."
"Chris Diamantopoulos as Moe"
"Sean Hayes as Larry"
"Will Sasso as Curly"
"Jane Lynch as Mother Superior"
"Larry David as Sister Mary-Mengele"
"Brian Doyle-Murray as Monsignor Ratliffe"
"Sofía Vergara as Lydia"
"Jennifer Hudson as Sister Rosemary"
"Lin Shaye as Nursery Nurse"
"Caitlin Colford as Nun"
"Stephen Collins as Mr. Harter"
"Carly Craig as Mrs. Harter"
"Craig Bierko as Mac"
"Kirby Heyborne as Theodore J. "Teddy" Harter (Ling's husband and the adoptive father of Murph, Peezer & Weezer)"
"Isaih Mustafa as Moe's Hip Executive"
"Kate Upton as Sister Bernice"
"Justin Lopez as Peter"
"Antonio Sabàto, Jr. as Bobby"
"Dwight Howard, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Jennifer "JWoww" Farley, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Paul "Pauly D" DelVecchio and Samantha "Sweetheart" Giancola as themselves"
"Brothers stick together."
"A Farrelly outrageous comedy."
"Whatever happens to the boys, one thing is certain. Nothing will ever come between them."
"Brothers. Best Friends. Twins. (Joined at the waist by 9 inches of flesh)."
"This is Bob. This is Walt."
"A new comedy from the director of There's Something About Mary and Shallow Hal."
"Matt Damon - Bob Tenor"
"Greg Kinnear - Walter "Walt" Tenor"
"Eva Mendes - April Mercedes"
"Wen Yann Shih - May Fong"
"Pat Crawford Brown - Mimmy"
"Ray Valliere - Rocket"
"Tommy Songin - Tommy"
"Terence Bernie Hines - Moe Neary"
"Jackie Flynn - Howard"
"Seymour Cassel - Morty O'Reilly"
"Danny Murphy - Dicky"
"Steve Tyler (actor) - Detective Reudy"
"Dane Cook - Officer Fraioli"
"Lin Shaye - Makeup Babe"
"Annabella Thorne - MC Sideline"
"Tracy Ashton - Casting Agent #2"
"Griffin Dunne"
"Ricky Williams"
"Ben Carson"
"Mary Hart (uncredited)"
"Fernanda Lima (uncredited)"
"Frankie Muniz (uncredited)"
"Meryl Streep (uncredited)"
"Jesse Ventura (uncredited)"
"Crap on toast!"
"Hey, Billy! I hear you got a lot of flocking birds."
"[going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home] Oh, look. An acceptance letter from Arizona State."
"That's weird. The smell of peanuts makes my weenie cold."
"Jim Carrey as Lloyd Christmas"
"Jeff Daniels as Harry Dunne"
"Laurie Holden as Adele Pinchlow"
"Kathleen Turner as Fraida Felcher, Penny’s mother"
"Brady Bluhm as Billy in 4C"
"Steve Tom as Dr. Bernard Pinchelow, Fraida’s husband"
"Rachel Melvin as Penny Pinchelow, Bernard & Fraida’s daughter"
"Rob Riggle as Travis and Captain Lippencott"
"Paul Blackthorne as Dr. Meldman"
"Cam Neely as Sea Bass"