78 quotes found
"I'm a virgin. I always have been."
"I've borked a lot of women in my day."
"Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?"
"I hope you have a big trunk, 'cause I'm putting my bike in it."
"[Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video everyone watches in the store] It looks like a Poltergeist."
"[Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video again] It looks like the doppler radar."
"[Being bitter about Amy] If she wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody... well, hey, that's love."
"[David and Andy are talking about relationships] Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain, and it's...you know, you lose weight, and then you put back on weight, and then you call them a bunch of times, and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love."
"[about Andy] He's a really nice guy and all, but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer."
"[about letting Andy hang out with them] I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment..."
"Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman fuckin' a horse. And you get there and you're thinking, "Oh, a woman fuckin' a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin' it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse."
"Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. [pause] Probably still pretty bad though."
"[To Andy before he hits on Beth] There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number one, ask questions. Don't say anything. Because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves, so you're just gonna let them do that. Two, be cool. And three, be kind of a dick. Look, be like David Caruso in Jade."
"[after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother] Hey, fuck her on her plastic-covered couch...fuck her while she's watching Murder, She Wrote. She would probably find that very erotic...fuck her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday."
"All you gotta do is to use your instincts. How do you think a tiger knows how to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's code written in their DNA, says "Tackle the gazelle." Believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says "Tackle drunk bitches.""
"You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal."
"From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm getting you some pussy."
"You're making the pussy into this great big Greek goddess named "Pussalia", and what you're doing is that you're psyching yourself into thinking that it's some impossible feat."
"Of course it doesn't feel right. What feels right hasn't worked. It's time to try some wrong, dawg."
"This is hogshit. You're a fucking asshole to tell me to come here and tell me he was a nice guy didn't you? Well, fuck you people, fuck you, you, you, and you, [points at Andy, Cal and Jay] fuck and kiss my big brown fucking ass! Okay!"
"I will pray for your cock."
"Tell me, when your son is born, is he already on parole?"
"So, tell me, Montel. Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, al-Qaeda?"
"[While Jay is arguing with a Black customer] Today's forecast: dark and cloudy, with chance of drive-by."
"Better Late Than Never"
"The Longer You Wait The Harder It Gets"
"Steve Carell - Andy"
"Catherine Keener - Trish"
"Paul Rudd - David"
"Romany Malco - Jay"
"Seth Rogen - Cal"
"Kat Dennings - Marla"
"Jane Lynch - Paula"
"Gerry Bednob - Mooj"
"Shelly Malil - Haziz"
"Leslie Mann - Nicky"
"Elizabeth Banks - Beth"
"Jonah Hill - Ebay Store Customer"
"Kevin Hart - Smart Tech Customer"
"I proposed to you like an idiot and you said no to me."
"It's a girl - buy some pink stuff!"
"Hey, Doc Howard. Ben Stone calling. Guess what the fuck's up? Allison is going in labor, and you are not fucking here. No, where are you? You're at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco, you motherfucking piece of shit! And you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm gonna have to kill you. I'm gonna have to pop a fucking cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are fucking Biggie, you piece of shit! I hope you fucking die or drop the fucking chair and kill that fucking kid! I hope your plane crashes. Peace, fucker!"
"Marriage is like a freak, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."
"You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter."
"Every time when you see yourself you think, how is these monster came here"
"Save the due date"
"From the director of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" comes a comedy about a one night stand that became something more"
"Imagine if this guy got you pregnant"
"What if this guy got you pregnant?"
"The studios are not taking risks. Look at a movie like Knocked Up or Juno. I thought both were funny movies, but what’s the politics of Knocked Up? You get drunk, have sex with a jerk, and the jerk will turn out to be a worthwhile human being and you’ll live happily ever after. That doesn’t happen! And in Juno you’re a high-school girl, you get knocked up, you just dump the baby and everything is fine. It’s like, what are we watching here? [Laughs.] It’s a very strange time."
"Seth Rogen - Ben Stone"
"Katherine Heigl - Alison Scott"
"Paul Rudd - Pete"
"Leslie Mann - Debbie"
"Jason Segel - Jason"
"Jay Baruchel - Jay"
"Jonah Hill - Jonah"
"Martin Starr - Martin"
"Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's going to come up to afterward and be like, "Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" That's fucking insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?"
"Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?"
"You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?"
"James Taylor: Fuck Facebook!"
"Adam Sandler - George Simmons"
"Seth Rogen - Ira Wright"
"Leslie Mann - Laura"
"Eric Bana - Clarke"
"Jonah Hill - Leo Koenig"
"Jason Schwartzman - Mark Taylor Jackson"
"Aubrey Plaza - Daisy Danby"
"Maude Apatow - Mable"
"Iris Apatow - Ingrid"
"Aziz Ansari - Randy Springs"
"RZA - Chuck"
"Torsten Voges - Dr. Lars"
"Allan Wasserman - Dr. Stevens"
"Kyle Kinane - Paparazzi at Medical Center"
"Steve Bannos - Deli Manager"
"Maggie Siff - Rachel"