89 quotes found
"[Grabbing an expensive vase during a marital spat] Our marriage lies broken on the floor, like the shards of glass on our honeymoon suite! [He slams the vase to the ground, but it bounces back up into his hands.] Ahhh! Oh-ho! 19th-Century Indian rubber vase, eh?!"
"[After Dolores finally consummates her marriage to Dr. Hfuhruhurr…] I never knew it could be like that! [sighs] So… so… professional!"
"So funny you'll laugh your head off."
"DANGER: HEALTH WARNING: Watching This Movie May Cause Severe Brain Damage"
"Steve Martin Is A World Famous Surgeon. He Invented Screw Top, Zip Lock Brain Surgery. Trust Him."
"Steve Martin - Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr"
"Kathleen Turner - Dolores Benedict"
"David Warner - Dr. Alfred Necessiter"
"Paul Benedict - Dr. Necessiter's butler"
"George Furth - Timon"
"Peter Hobbs - Dr. Brandon"
"Earl Boen - Dr. Felix Conrad"
"Randi Brooks - Fran"
"James Cromwell - realtor"
"Francis X. McCarthy - Olsen"
"Estelle Reiner - tourist in elevator"
"Merv Griffin - himself"
"Jeffrey Combs - Dr. Jones"
"Sissy Spacek - Anne Uumellmahaye (voice; uncredited)"
"Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and uh, my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi."
"For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex."
"First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book."
"Marie, are you awake? Good. You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. I'm glad because there is something that has always been very difficult for me to say. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to be able to say that. You give me confidence in myself. I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days and the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days and the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, I'm going to ask you to marry me, if that's okay with you. Just don't say anything. You've made me very happy."
"[singing] I'm picking out a Thermos for you! / Not an ordinary Thermos for you, / But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, / with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in! I'm picking out a Thermos for you, / And maybe a barometer too. / And what else can I buy so on me you'll rely? / A rear-end thermometer too!"
"Good Lord! I've heard about this: cat juggling!"
"Well, I'm gonna go then, and I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you! I don't need anything, except this. [picks up an ashtray] An ashtray, and that's the only thing I need, is this! I don't need this or this! Just this ashtray, and this paddle game. The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need! And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need! And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one— I need this. [picks up chair] The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this. [picks up magazine] The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair. [walking outside] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog. [Shithead growls at him] Well, I don't need my dog."
"He was a poor black sharecropper's son who never dreamed he was adopted."
"From rags to riches... to rags."
"Steve Martin — Navin R. Johnson / Cat Juggler (as Pig-Eye Jackson)"
"Bernadette Peters — Marie Kimble Johnson"
"Catlin Adams — Patty Bernstein"
"Jackie Mason — Harry Hartouinian"
"Carl Reiner — Himself"
"M. Emmet Walsh — The Sniper"
"How dare you say 'penis' to a dead person."
"[On finding her soul inside Roger Cobb's body] I don't believe this. I can't even die right."
"You are rude, crude, and thoroughly unattractive."
"[To his girlfriend] You bought me a gravestone for my thirty-eighth birthday?!"
"[To his dog] Don't look at me like that. I'm not going in there as a messenger boy; I'm a trained legal advisor. No more being looked down on by people who think they're better than I am because they're rich. From now on, I'm gonna be respected... by people who think they're better than I am because they're rich."
"Is everyone here bananas?"
"[After Edwina has called him a 'peasant'] Look, lady. Just because my grandfather didn't rape the environment and exploit the workers doesn't make me a peasant. And it's not that he didn't want to rape the environment and exploit the workers; I'm sure he did. It's just that as a barber, he didn't have that much opportunity."
"[To Edwina] You're like an energy vampire. You suck the life out of people and take the fun out of being a lawyer."
"[Regarding the empty church at Edwina's memorial] You really know how to pack them in."
"The comedy that proves that one's a crowd."
"They say that behind every great man there's a woman. But in this case it's ridiculous."
"Steve Martin - Roger Cobb"
"Lily Tomlin - Edwina Cutwater"
"Victoria Tennant - Terry Hoskins"
"Madolyn Smith Osborne - Peggy Schuyler"
"Richard Libertini - Prahka Lasa"
"Dana Elcar - Burton Schuyler"
"Jason Bernard - Tyrone Wattell"
"Selma Diamond - Margo"
"Eric Christmas - Fred Hoskins"
"Gailard Sartain - Fulton Norris"
"Neva Patterson - Gretchen"
"I don't like to brag, but if I appeared to you just as God—how I really am, what I really am—, your mind couldn't grasp it."
"Trust Me, like it says on the money."
"It's a policy of Mine: I try not to work with more than one saviour at a time."
"I don't do miracles. They're too flashy. And they upset the natural balance. … The last miracle I did was the 1969 Mets. Before that, I think you have to go back to the Red Sea. That was a beauty."
"I only know what is. Also, I'm very big on what was. On what isn't yet, I haven't got a clue."
"I'll tell ya something never came out: I made Adam seventeen. Eve was fifteen—sixteen, tops. I figured then sixteen, seventeen was middle aged, you know. Who knew people would live so long? Trees I figured had the best chance. Now I realise they were kids—babies. Young people can't fall from my grace; they're my best things. Put that down."
"Jesus was My son. Buddha was My son. Muhammad, Moses, you, the man who said there was no room at the inn was My son."
"Put down that man—and women persons—their existence means exactly and precisely, not more, not one tiny bit less, just what they think it means, and what I think doesn't count at all."
"If you find it hard to believe in Me, maybe it would help you to know that I believe in you."
"I know how hard it is in these times to have faith. But maybe if you could have the faith to start with, maybe the times would change. You could change them. Think about it. Try. And try not to hurt each other. There's been enough of that. It really gets in the way. I'm a God of very few words and Jerry's already given you Mine. However hopeless, helpless, mixed up and scary it all gets, it can work."
"Oh, uh…I-I-I-I'm-I must have drove through, uh, a car wash wi-with my windows open?"
"Your Honour, I would like to call to the stand the Lord God."
"I went to empty the garbage and two people blessed me. And then one of them blessed the garbage. And then he asked me if our children were conceived immaculately."
""It's true. People have trouble remembering My Words. Moses had such a bad memory I had to give him tablets"."
"Anybody who could turn Lot's wife into a pillar of salt, incinerate Sodom and Gomorrah and make it rain for forty days and forty nights has got to be a fun guy."
"It's an almighty laugh!"
"Suppose—Just Suppose—God Told You To Spread The Word?"
"Carl Reiner's "Oh, God!" is a treasure of a movie: A sly, civilized, quietly funny speculation on what might happen if God endeavored to present himself in the flesh yet once again to forgetful Man. He comes back this time looking and talking a great deal like George Burns, an improvement on his earlier cinematic incarnations. And as his contact on Earth, he selects a common man—John Denver, to the manner born."
"George Burns — God"
"John Denver — Jerry Landers"
"Teri Garr — Bobbie Landers"
"Donald Pleasence — Doctor Harmon"
"Ralph Bellamy — Sam Raven"
"William Daniels — George Summers"
"Barnard Hughes — Judge Baker"
"Paul Sorvino — Reverend Willie Williams"
"Dinah Shore — Herself"
"Carl Reiner — Dinah's guest"
"David Ogden Stiers — Mr McCarthy, District Produce Manager"
"Moosie Drier — Adam Landers"
"Rachel Longaker — Becky Landers"
"Wonderful Smith — Court Clerk"
"Murphy Dunne — Stenographer"