562 quotes found
"Tom: Great set man, cool really cool."
"Mayor: Wow Lou, I gotta tell you this is just one heck of a."
"Tom: (sighs) Alright here we go again. Now Saxman just try and focus with me here. Action!"
"Mayor: Wow Tom this is really what I had in mind. Great video, great directing."
"Tom: (In his bedroom, singing to himself) If we don't ask for you costum (clears throat) If we don't ask for your customer code your waterbed will be 10 percent off oooff ff."
"Tom: Ok here we go. Alright let's take it from the top. 1,2,3,4 (singing) You're guaranteed to sleep. If we don't ask for you customer code, your second mattress is half-"
"Tom: Tom Peter's phone."
"Mayor: It's what we like to call Irritable Semen Syndrome. That would explain the burning and the rash."
"Doctor: Well there's really two ways to treat CNE. The first and easist is the simply examine your relationship with your wife."
"Tom: Hi, I'm Tom Peters and for years I've not been able to control my unpleaseant and embrassing CNE but thanks to taking Provolanaproxalidamine-C, five times per day. My sheets, my bed, and my wife are all dry again."
"Dr. Michael: Hey Mayor, your boyfriend's getting out of control."
"Tom: Ahhh would you just go to hell!"
"Dr. Ian Black: Steven, I've been reviewing your charts and I think I may have a solution for your sticky problem."
"Tom: (crying in fetal position on the floor of The Mayor's office) I want my son back!"
"Tom: This is gonna be delicious are they, Friends?"
"Tom: Mayor."
"So you see, looking back, I think the other kids always picked me last for sports because I was smarter than them, not because of my unpredictable bladder."
"Now, I'm about to take off my shirt. A feeling of mild nausea is normal."
"Well, back to work. Got to win the Pulitzer Prize. First I need a topic. (starts typing on typewriter) "Chaplin, Polański and Woody: Three Men and a Little Lady." Aah! (Throws paper away, starts typing again) "Meathead, Laverne, and Opie: Great Filmmakers of Our Day." (Puts his hands to his head) AAH!"
"I am a movie critic by trade, and until recently, I got paid to tell you people which movies merely stink and which ones you shouldn’t screen near an open flame. Well, I’m putting the burden of lousy movies back on you. It’s very simple: if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies. If the movie used to be a TV show, just don’t go. After Roman numeral II, give it a rest. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic. Tell them you want stories about people, not a hundred million dollars of stunts and explosives. People, it’s up to you. If the movie stinks, just don’t go."
"So you're not good at sports, we'll just have to find out what you are good at. In my case, it's complaining about movies that bring happiness to idiots."
"Well, that's all for our show tonight. If you want to read more about trucking, I'm sorry but there just aren't any trucking books out there."
"Goodnight, Critic fans! And a special goodnight to those just tuning in for Home Improvement! (Looney Tunes Theme plays)"
"I did it! Oh, I'm a doc, a happy sneezy doc! (Yawns) Ooh, I'm a sleepy happy sneezy doc. If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy dopey sleepy happy sneezy doc. (Pause) Bashful."
"I promised Alice I'd get her little girl into preschool, and I haven't had any luck. I ate a cheesecake, I took a nap, what more can one man do?"
"(After being pepper sprayed) Mmmm, jalapeno!"
"(A speaking cardboard figure of Jay waving a book) Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!"
"I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC ... for about a week."
"(Jay's poem to Alice, which he reads to her) The woman I love will be my best friend. We'll make each other laugh, and I'll never be lonely again. Her name will be Alice, and she'll have a sweet Southern accent, and I hope she'll love me too."
"(After being hit on the head by a heavy ball) Skull cracked, brains leaking out, can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie."
"I can't die like this! I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear!"
"Nothing turns on the chicks like The Human Fly...or was that Spanish Fly?"
"(After being held hostage in an Iraqi prison and forced to read a note in front of a T.V. camera) Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G and walks on the beach. Woo-hoo! Kenny G!"
"(While daydreaming of accepting an Oscar) A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a. A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a."
"And that's why I'm glad The Beatles broke up!"
"This is worse than the time you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers!"
"When I grow up, I want to be a man just like you."
"It's okay Dad, money's not important."
"Now look, I'll be honest. This is the ride I take with all my brother's girlfriends where they admit they're just using him."
"Great, welcome to our crappy family."
"(On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. You got a lot of laughs on The Tonight Show last night. Um ... did you mean to have your fly open the whole time?"
"(On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. Mom just gave me your old room. Um ... do you still want this Leif Garrett poster?"
"Debutante balls are outdated, elitist, and sexist. You said so yourself in your review of Boyz n the Hood."
"(To her ex Johnny, after he wanted to say goodbye before leaving) Aww, that's so sweet. Before you left, I wanted to say "Get bent.""
"(On the phone) Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will. We feel you already have enough money. Oh yes, and Happy Birthday."
"The debutantes' ball is a Wigglesworth tradition! To starve yourself to fit into a dress, to dance with boys who feel you up and to drink so much you fall into a well. It's a magical night."
"I was just going to give you some rubber bands to play with...but if you want to, you can come."
"I think you media jackals are a pack of filthy muck-raking scum! What you people did to poor Dan Quayle is a disgrace! I hate you all! Except for you good people at the New Yorker."
"(After Franklin transforms and behaves like The Mask) Oh dear. This is just what he did at Nixon's funeral."
"(After transforming into The Mask) Drrrrrrrrrrinkin'!"
"(Singing) I punch like a comet then drink till I vomit, I'm Franklin the sailor man!"
"As the first black female head of the Ku Klux Klan, I would just like to say America stinks!"
"(Imitating Julia Child) Then you sprinkle the chicken liberally with old spice."
"(Driving through a Picaso painting) Take that Guernica!"
"(Crashing through the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in a helecopter) Take that Birth of Man!"
"(Preparing for the vice presidential debate) Now let's rob that bank. (Puts a stocking on his head)"
"(Goes to the cockpit of a plane and sees the pilot's a penguin) A penguin! And he's been drinking! Wait a minute... penguins can't fly... PENGUINS CAN'T FLY!"
"(To a penguin pilot when their plane goes down) No I will not pray with you!"
"Oh, Son. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times ... who are all you people?"
"I didn't ask to be secretary of balloon doggies, the balloon doggies demanded it!"
"I was the head of a trucker's union once. That reminds me, there's a lot of money and some dead bodies buried in the back yard!"
"Forget the rivets, darling, Crazy Glue will hold any surface together! It's crazy!!!"
"Now, who wants to boogie with baby '37?"
"Happy 1937 everybody!"
"If I could be a vegetable, I'd be a carrot."
"(Dressed up as the Energizer Bunny) 48 hours and still going!"
"I've been there too. Usually there's a midget making googly eyes at me. I call him Mr. Pickalini."
"(Watching Jay on TV) On this TV, I do believe his nose is bigger than my foot. (Puts his foot over Jay's nose) Look, see? Isn't that incredible?"
"I’m not wearing pants. I split my pants, and now I’m not wearing pants."
"Son loves Mother, sweet romance. Poor old father has no pants."
"Keep it down Son. I'm trying to make it rain Harvey's Bristol Cream."
"Hey, hey, hey, it's Fat Albert! How-buh are-buh you-buh do-bing?"
"(While watching the Pulitzer Prize ceremony) This is the worst production of Porgy and Bess I’ve ever seen."
"Why the hell do you have to be so critical?"
"(On the phone) Hello Jay, this is your boss. I've just obtained legal permission to hunt men for sport, and I wondered if you'd like to come to my ranch tomorrow. Bring your jogging shoes."
"Jay, you got a very valid point. But on the other hand, shut up!"
"I came here to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong, and beg you to come back to work for me again. But then I figured I'd take a moral shortcut and write you a check."
"(About his new movie) Do you know how much it costs to get Saddam Hussein to play himself?"
"I can do anything I want. If I want Citizen Kanes last word to be "schwing," then that's what it's gonna be! I'm a god I tell you! A go-- (Clutches his chest in pain, falls to the floor and believes he is dying) Rosebud ... I mean "schwing!""
"That's it! I'll run for president! Drop a whole mess a' bombs and put Merle Haggard on the Supreme Court!"
"(Picks up his cell phone) Get Webster on the phone. (On the phone with Noah Webster) Noah, how are you doin'? It's Duke. How much would it cost to make "Quyzbuk" a word? I don't know what it means, uh, how about "a big problem?" Great! How about that other word I invented, "Dukelicious?" No one's using it? What a Duketastrophe."
"(A statue of Duke chanting) All hail Duke! Duke is life!"
"Make him SQUEAL!"
"Bazooka Duke says CHEW ON THIS!"
"Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! ... VOTE FOR DUKE!"
"What is this? Annoy The Billionaire Day?!"
"(Describing himself on a talk show) I'm a self made billionaire. The only person who can bribe me is a Bazillionaire."
"(On the phone) Jay, it’s Doris. I’m at the morgue. Could you come down and tell them I’m not dead? They don’t believe me."
"(Watching the musical "Hunch") I shaved for this?"
"(Takes a deep breath) Mmmm ... smoke. (Walks in a room on fire) It looks like Hell, but it smells like Heaven."
"Kiss my surprisingly firm butt."
"(after Jay tells Jeremy that he's going to marry Valerie Fox): Bubbe, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image awards. Two things I've learned from experience."
"I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't a student film actually, although it had several women dressed as cheerleaders. I played Professor Spankum."
"It's just a gun for God's sake, not a bloody Xerox machine!"
"Sorry. I hate not being friendly, but this is New York."
"(Jay introduces Alice to Duke Phillips) It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation: "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?""
"Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a schmendrick.""
"Oh Jay, you're the sweetest man who ever called me a super freak."
"Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life. There was this one boy back in college – dealt drugs, went to jail – yet today he's the star of Home Improvement."
"I think you should know a little about my sister before she gets here. Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job."
"Funny man!"
"(To Jay in a maternity dress) Are you gonna have puppies?"
"(Praying at her bed) God bless Daddy, and Uncle Bisquick, and please give Momma the butt-lift Aunt Randa says she needs so desperately."
"Oh! It time for Humphrey the Hippo!"
"I don’t know why I ever married you. (zoom out to reveal they're at their own wedding)"
"The judge said every time you talk to me, it costs you a hundred dollars."
"You’re just as bad a father as you were a lover."
"We raised a great kid."
"(On the phone) Jay, this is your ex-wife. Your alimony check is eighteen minutes late. Nope, nineteen minutes. That's it, I'm calling my lawyer!"
"No pressure Marty, but the Pope and Nelson Mandela are in the audience, and they came to party!"
"(After Bill Clinton falls through a floor) I’m sure we all appreciate President Clinton’s ground-breaking message!"
"Attention students: Auditions for Peter Pan are being (Helium voice) held in the auditorium! (Normal voice) Stupid helium!"
"I am sorry, Martin. You are not fit. From now on, you must go to remedial gym. (Opens door and moaning noises are heard) Oh wait, that’s remedial choir."
"(Singing) Ho Ho Ho, stick out your toe! Hee Hee Hee, stick out your knee!"
"Please kids, my philosophy is "love and dance," not "hate and not dance.""
"Today, Humphrey's gonna teach you all what happens when you get a lung removed: You get ice cream!"
"Tobacco Company Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?"
"Priest: I said questions, not wishes! I'm a priest not a genie!"
"Jay's "inner child": (On the phone) Jay, this is your inner child. I escaped and I just robbed a liquor store. Gotta go!"
"Cuban TV Announcer: We'll be back after this word from toilet paper, now in "rough" and "not-so-rough.""
"Adolph Hitmaker: If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus, or Rush Limbaugh."
"Chicken Shack employee: You want a piece of me, fat boy? I'll spork your ass!"
"Dressmaker: Oopsie, I swallowed a pin. That's gonna be a fun little journey."
"From A Little Deb Will Do Ya"
"Bribed Movie Critic: This movie is so good, it makes Hud look like C.H.U.D., and I loved C.H.U.D."
"Satoshi, the Eater of Souls: Cookie Puss, I will eat your soul."
"Gene Shalit: (On the phone with Jay) Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window."
"Orson Welles: Rosebud ... Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness... wait, that's terrible, I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Scoops up a handful of peas and starts popping them in his mouth. Is now off-screen) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Makes eating sounds) Oh yeah."
"Orson Welles: A rich full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (Drinks)"
"Keanu Reeves: (In The Merchant of Venice) Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us, do we not get bummed? If we eat bad guacamole, do we not blow chunks?"
"Adam West: Well Jay, one of my most amazing films is The Happy Hooker Goes To Hollywood. It came out in 1980, it's one I'm sure you enjoyed all the way to the end."
"Al Pacino: (On the phone) Hoo-ha! Jay, it's Al Pacino. Hoo-ha! I can't stop saying Hoo-ha! Keep that in mind when you review my next film, The Godfather Part Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha."
"William Shatner: Hello, I'm William Shatner, and this is Celebrity 911. Tonight, we devote the entire hour to police calls involving James Caan ... (Makes a face and looks up to the ceiling) CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
"Jimmy Breslin: Tonight, we will honor the greatest writers in America with a modest 9x12 certificate and a check for three thousand dollars. Three thousand dollars?! Stephen King makes that for writing "Boo" on a cocktail napkin!"
"Dan Quayle: I'm Dan Quayle. I gotta go boom-boom."
"Ronald Reagan: I do solemnly swear that as your president, I will goof off and eat candy."
"Jon Lovitz — Jay Sherman, Woody Allen, Various"
"Christine Cavanaugh — Marty Sherman, Various"
"Nancy Cartwright — Margo Sherman, Various"
"Gerrit Graham — Franklin Sherman"
"Judith Ivey — Eleanor Sherman (née Wigglesworth)"
"Doris Grau — Doris Grossman"
"Maurice LaMarche — Jeremy Hawke, Shackleford, Principal Mangosuthu, Orson Welles, Howard Stern, Various"
"Nick Jameson — Vlada Veramirovich, Zoltan Veramirovich, Various"
"Brenda Vaccaro — Ardeth (season 1)"
"Rhea Perlman — Ardeth (season 2)"
"Charles Napier — Duke Phillips"
"Park Overall — Alice Tompkins"
"Russi Taylor — Penny Tompkins"
"Kath Soucie — Various"
"Tress MacNeille — Humphrey the Hippo, Various"
"Here we were with a brand new thing that had never been done before, an animated prime-time television show. So we developed two storyboards; one was they had a helicopter of some kind and they went to the opera or whatever, and the other was Fred and Barney fighting over a swimming pool. So I go back to New York with a portfolio and two half-hour boards. And no-one would even believe that you'd dare to suggest a thing like that, I mean they looked at you and they'd think you're crazy. But slowly the word got out, and I used the presentation which took almost an hour and a half. I would go to the other two boards and tell them what they did, and do all the voices and the sounds and so-on, and I'd stagger back to the hotel and I'd collapse. The phone would ring like crazy, like one time I did Bristol-Myers, the whole company was there. When I got through I'd go back to the hotel the phone would ring and say "the president wasn't at that meeting, could you come back and do it for him." So I had many of those, one time I had two agencies, they'd fill the room I mean God about 40 people, and I did this whole show. I got to know where the laughs were, and where to hit it, nothing; dead, dead, dead. So one of the people at Screen Gems said "This is the worst, those guys...." he was so angry at them. What it was, was that there were two agencies there, and neither one was going to let the other one know they were enjoying it. But I pitched it for eight straight weeks and nobody bought it. So after sitting in New York just wearing out, you know really wearing out. Pitch, pitch, pitch, sometimes five a day. So finally on the very last day I pitched it to ABC, which was a young daring network willing to try new things, and bought the show in 15 minutes. Thank goodness, because this was the very last day and if they hadn't bought it I would have taken everything down, put it in the archives and never pitched it again. Sometimes I wake up in a cold-sweat thinking this is how close you get to disaster."
"A pen and ink disaster."
"Grumpy Boogie: I don't like Noogie Boogie! And I don't their Noogie music with their porch Noogie jungle Boogie beats!"
"Chauncey: I'm gonna' kill you Middle America, when you most expect it! I'm gonna' cut the brakes on your balloon!"
"Matt Mariska as Jerry"
"Adam De La Pena as Dave"
"Andrew Sipes as Mr. "Big T" Larrity and Dean"
"Dana Snyder as Todd and Benny"
"Gretchen McNeil as Mary"
"Suzanne Kielly as Claire"
"Lionel Tubbins as Clarence"
"Tony Strickland as Black Steve"
"(After Kate has torn up a rug) Awesome. Am I the only one turned on by this? (Kate looks at him angrily) Yes I am."
"If I wasn't white, I'd be dancin'!"
"Hey! I'm a lion! You were upset, so I attacked!"
"Weird. I suddenly feel the urge to chug a beer and chase around a heavy set bar wench."
"Well, aren't you glad I didn't say banana?"
"We live in a civilized community. I have a shower cap."
"You saw the way he loves that thing... he brushes its teeth!"
"Oh God! Our daughter's a nip head!"
"(Questioning catnip) Maybe one of my friends put it there? Or maybe it's Siegfried and Roy's. I mean that would definitely explain the outfits."
"The better question is why do we live in a world where doors need locks?"
"How come I'm never involved in the adult conversations?!"
"Grown-ups? Last time, Siegfried and Roy dressed up like leprechauns!"
"Oh, my God. You searched my room? What happened to privacy?"
"You are the worst parents EVER! (Runs to her room and slams the door shut)"
"(To Emerson, who called Larry the enemy) No he's not! He's my dad! And I like him! You know who I don't like? You!"
"Mom, Hunter's using your copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves to discover his body, himself."
"The zebra's alive! Save yourselves and bring me back through the miracle of cloning!"
"(Imitating Gollum) My precious! Grandpa wants to take the precious! (Imitating Smeagol) But Grandpa's a friend! (Imitating Gollum) NO! Kill Grandpa!"
"I like elves!"
"(Drunk) Grandpa... this tower isn't evil... it's good!"
"I do not know you, sir!"
"Dad? Are we gonna kill Grandpa?"
"(To Larry; amazed) You know Donkey?!"
"Happiness, is being a grandparent."
"(Talking to his rug) What do you think of our new place? Oh that's right you can't hear me because I killed you and sawdust now occupies where your brain was."
"You're a fat, middle-aged, virgin panda. You deserve Nelson!"
"Larry, I just want you to know. If you were my own son... I'd be pretty disappointed, but I'd make do."
"I love him... but the kid bums me out."
"Okay listen up, you need a zebra rug, I need to get a crazy Hindu elephant off my back."
"(Talking into camera) Vegas. Where every thrill is for sale including... murder! (Makes Psycho sound effects while zooming camera in and out on zebra)"
"I don't even know why I bothered learning the numbers in maths 'cause I have found the one!"
"Siegfried: Roy is doing a good thing... WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?!?"
"Roy: I am Roy! 'Allo!"
"Siegfried: Hello, security camera! Here is one crime you cannot stop! (lifts shirt) I stole a six pack."
"Roy: Magic, you fickle bitch."
"Siegfried: Roy! You must be quiet! I am watching the tube of boobs!"
"Siegfried and Roy: Activate "Rocket Pants!""
"Roy: Siegfried, have you lost your head brains?!"
"Roy: Siegfried. You are down a million dollars. I... am not going back... TO CANADA!!"
"Roy: Ja, ja, very funny. Your arm is a blade that cuts trees."
"Roy: CUE OCTOPUS!"
"Roy: Siegfried, I am not letting you give fake tickets to Matt Lauer!"
"Siegfried: (smacks Roy's hand) I do what I want. You are not the Kaiser of China!"
"Roy: Ohh... I am having it up to here with your besmirching the good name of Matt Lauer!"
"Roy: You're right. He does interrupt."
"Siegfried: I told you. Licorice whip?"
"Roy: Yes, please. That would be lovely."
"Roy: Now we shall have the drink of the magical fairies: Sprite."
"(Elephant - Speaking very fast and worried) The turkey's just my roommate!"
"DAMN YOU CARL!"
"If only there was a symbol of mob anger! (Looks at torches and pitchforks) ROCKS!"
"Why are you talking like a black man from 1991?"
"Sarmoti:: Look, Kate she's beautiful now, but let's face it. She has a genetic pre-disposition to take up space (pokes Larry) Larry:: (sarcastically laughs) I'll remember that when you're begging for your heart medication."
"Sarmoti: ...But the zebra wouldn't die. I raked him with my claws... he jumped back up! I crushed him with boulders... he sprang back to life! Finally... I pushed him off a cliff. He lay there... lifeless. His blood black in the moonlight. It was done. (falls backwards. Hunter shakes with fear) It's alive! (springs back up holding dead zebra rug) Zombie Zebra!"
"Elephant:: Fact. I am Lucy, from Lucy in the sky with diamonds. You don't know this because that damn McCartney takes all the credit! Larry:: You're Lucy? But you're a guy. Elephant:: It was a difficult time for all of us."
"Shop Assistant:: I don't know how to make this more clear. We don't sell gifts for White Lions. Roy:: I see. Congratulations on being a racist."
"Roy:: (Reading a cue card) As you all know, the 3rd World War has left the world a barren wasteland. Siegfried:: No, no! This one is for the lions. For their gift! Roy:: Oh yeah... Dear Larry and Kate. We wanted to bring you the perfect gift, something you would use everyday. Please be enjoying this delightful Scandanavian Tea Service. Hopefully you will have us over for tea...soon. Siegfried:: Very soon."
"Sierra:: (Catnip is dropped next to her) What's that? Kate:: Don't play dumb, this isn't a game. It's Catnip. (opens book) Or as you and your friends may call it, Monkey Junk, Street Cheese or... Siamese Colesaw. Sierra:: What? You think that's mine? Larry:: We found it in your room. Sierra:: Oh my god... you searched my room? What happened to privacy? Larry:: We saw a movie about A LION THAT DROVE A TRUCK! We're not going to let that happen to you."
"Larry: I don't know if I can do this... Sarmoti: With my help you can. Because as a lion you've got it here and here (prods his head and chest) Larry: (chuckles) That tickles! Sarmoti: You sure you're all lion? Maybe a chimp shmock your grandma?"
"Kate: (notices beer bottles on table) What the..? Dad, were you playing poker in front of the kids? Sarmoti: No sweetheart. I'm a drunkard, you know that. Kate: Whatever."
"Sierra:: (ashamed of her father about Emerson) This is all your fault, Emerson is probably boiling in a pot right now. Larry:: Don't think that way honey maybe they grilled him (as his daughter glares at him) or setting him free in the ocean paradise, I bet that's it."
"Will Arnett – BoJack Horseman"
"Amy Sedaris – Princess Carolyn"
"Alison Brie – Diane Nguyen"
"Paul F. Tompkins – Mr. Peanutbutter"
"Aaron Paul – Todd Chavez"
"– Eric T. Duckman"
"– Cornfed Pig"
"– Aunt Bernice/Aunt Beverly/Beatrice"
"/ – Charles"
"Seth Meyers as Prock, Professor Astounding"
"Ike Barinholtz as Muscleman, Czechmate"
"Emily Spivey as Concierge, Infobitch"
"Taran Killam as Frantic, Black Irish, Kid Meth"
"Paula Pell as Gadget Gal, Mercenary Moll"
"Kenan Thompson as Impresario, Mrs. Sullivan, Impresario Clone, The Conjurer"
"Bobby Lee as Tim/Sumo, Bad Dragon"
"Rashida Jones as Hotwire/Metal Fella, Other Hotwire"
"Bill Hader as Dr. Giuseppe Malocchio"
"Josh Meyers as Perfect Man, Flying Dutchman"
"Rachel Dratch as Joyce Mandrake/Fireplug, Tom Boy"
"Steve Higgins as Mr. Awesome"
"Will Forte as Giuseppe Malocchio Jr."
"Maya Rudolph as Lady Malocchio"
"Kate McKinnon as Lola Gold/The Agravator, Mademoiselle Hunchback"
"Colin Quinn as Elliot Levy-Apelstein"
"Bobby Moynihan as Dr. Turfenpeltz, Handy Man, Pablo, Fake Santa Claus/Animal Control, Hotwings, Toolbox, Teleportation Larry, Made Man, Ricky Finn, Paul, The Wombat, The Gopher King, The Blinker, Mr. Balloon, The Three Dopes, Bird Master, Globo, Greg"
"Jill Benjamin as Musclegirl"
"Andy Samberg as Seaman"
"Cecily Strong as Tim's Mother/Dine"
"Mike O'Gorman as Tim's Father/Dash"
"Vanessa Bayer as Dr. Jill Stein-Awesome-Kaplan"
"Chris Kattan as Indiana Johnson"
"Horatio Sanz as The GayFather"
"John Lutz as Mr. Stone"
"Sanford Reilly - voiced by"
"Del Swanson and Todd Wolfschmidtmansternowitz - voiced by"
"Joe Tate and Ed Bickel - voiced by"
"Dean Earhart - voiced by"
"Felicity - voiced by"
"Cindy Reilly- voiced by"
"Dr. Heminger – voiced by"
"Brian - voiced by"
"Chuck - voiced by"
"Mel Brooks as President Skroob / Yogurt"
"Daphne Zuniga as Princess Vespa"
"Joan Rivers as Dot Matrix"
"Tino Insana as Barf"
"Rino Romano as Lone Starr"
"Dee Bradley Baker as Dark Helmet"
"Rudy De Luca as Vinnie / Fort Lox Checkpoint official"
"Julianne Grossman as Charlene / Marlene / Darlene / Yente / The Unsinkable Old Fat Lady / Commanderette Zircon / Princess Harley Van Patten / Pannakin's mother / Robohooker / Jasmine / Telephone Operator"
"Gary The Rat - voiced by"
"Jack Harrison - voiced by"
"Truman Forte - voiced by"
"Gary's Mother - voiced by"
"Jonny Sanz - voiced by"
"Tim - voiced by"
"Walter - voiced by"
"Bud - voiced by"
"Will Harrison - voiced by"
"Marie - voiced by"
"Wade - voiced by"
"Himself - voiced by"
"Lola - voiced by"
"Donnie - voiced by"
"Courtney - voiced by"
"Jake - voiced by"
"Steve Smith, Frank Smith, and Mark "Baby" Cakes (voiced by )"
"Pony Merks (voiced by )"
"The Dean (voiced by )"
"as Bud Buckwald"
"as Ernesto Gonzalez, J.C. Gonzalez (Juan Carlos), and Pablo Barracuda"
"as Janice Buckwald and Becky Buckwald"
"as Sanford Buckwald"
"as Gert Buckwald"
"Jacqueline Piñol as Pepito Gonzalez"
"as Ruiz Gonzalez"
"as Placido Gonzalez and El Coyote"
"Face it. In a world full of Kardashians, I'm the Khloe."
"You know the rules Miss Shartz girl. It's time to say "Later" to those hosen."
"Oh, he left a while ago. He didn't really want to study. He didn't even bring any books. Just this porn video."
"Wow that's a crazy mix."
"Montgomery "Mondo" Brando / Baby Mondo / Officer / Crowd Member #1 / Male Student / Various Background Characters ()"
"Woodford "Woodie" Stone / Hunky Man / Lifeguard / Various Background Characters ()"
"Barbara "Babs" Brando / Female Officer / Female Lifeguard / Various Background Characters ()"
"Winthrop Aguilera Wadska / Bingo Player #2 / Bank Teller / Various Background Characters ()"
"Jeena Wadska / Worker #1 / Girl #1 / Various Background Characters ()"
"Dirk Kirk "Turk" / Lifeguard / Deputy / Loser at the Bar / Various Background Characters ()"
"Milan Stone / Girl #3 / Maid / Announcer / Various Background Characters ()"
"Voneeta Teets /Bingo Announcer / Man on Radio / Various Background Characters ()"
"Lonnie / Principal Gurniel / Kid #1 / Various Background Characters ()"
"HJ & BJ Kuntz / Fan #2 / Various Background Characters ()"
"Balthazor Hellman - voiced by"
"Tina Hellman - voiced by"
"Pazuzu - voiced by"
"Valartak Mimlark - voiced by"
"Mandy Hellman - voiced by Tracey Fairaway"
"Don Killbride - voiced by"
"Satan - voiced by"
"Damn, I'm glad that's over! Hey, Scooter! You're gonna stop giving us these whack-ass videos."
"We got a hot show for ya today."
"You know DJ Tech needs no introductions."
"Aw, Hell on earth, what the hell is this?!"
"That's my girl right there, Yeah! You go Missy!"
"Yo, Tech! That ain't cool, Man!"
"How you doing this to me, Scooter?!"
"I don't think you guys should've done that. The Man's not gonna like it!"
"Less yapping, more rapping."
"Karaz, You pulled the wrong plug!"
"Hey, What about me?!"
"We're on the air here."
"Karaz, Look what you did now! (pauses) Tech, Just play something 'till I get this fixed!"
"Okay, people! Time to make the bagel! And 5, and 4, and 3, 2, Action!"
"I used to play Q*Bert all the time, Pac-Man too. Now I played Metal Gear Soild."
"Carlito Rodriguez - Chino"
"Riggs Morales - Karaz"
"Quanzilla - Scooter"
"Scratch - DJ Tech"
"Dr. Wang, Chinese Human Calculator (voiced by )"
"El Jefe (voiced by Nick Puga)"
"Fasto (voiced by )"
"!Jewcano! (voiced by )"
"Non-Stop (voiced by Keith Lal)"
"Joe (voiced by )"
"Pete (voiced by )"
"How bout'... if we drug them?! How bout'... if we blew his freaken brain's out?!"
"Yeah, but we're mice with a gun!"
"[sneaks into the Oval Office with Max] Too bad the last guy left. All he ever did in here was sleep."
"Are we men or are we mice?!"
"We're mice."
"If you don't mind me saying, you look like hell."
"Knowledge is very important Max. Socrates once wrote that it is the only good and ignorance the only evil. Excuse me... I'm gonna explode."
"Well, sometimes, in the middle of the night, I burst into flames."
"Neil Patrick Harris - Max"
"Charlie Adler - Jammett"
"Patti Deutsch - Trixie"
"Jennifer Darling - Berkeley"
"Dorian Harewood - Moze"
"Bobcat Goldthwait - Muggle"
"Frank Welker - Presidential Cats"
"Dr. Victor Frankenstein (voiced by Jeff B. Davis)"
"Professor Sanguinaire Polidori, Frankenstein's "Creature" (voiced by Scott Adsit)"
"Elizabeth Frankenstein (voiced by Britta Phillips)"
"Blanket Jackson and Mohandas K. Gandhi (voiced by Mark Rivers)"
"Heinrich Frankenstain and Gustav Frankenstain (voiced by Mark Rivers and Scott Adsit)"
"Stewart Lawrence (voiced by Jay Johnston)"
"Joe Yunger (voiced by Joe Unger)"
"The Mummy, Mother Teresa, and Death (voiced by Dino Stamatopoulos)"
"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (voiced by Dan Harmon)"
"Gerald Goode (voiced by )"
"Helen Goode (voiced by )"
"Ubuntu Goode (voiced by )"
"Bliss Goode (voiced by )"
"Che (voiced by )"
"Charlie (voiced by )"
"[looking at a fast food advert] And that chicken is eating a piece of chicken."
"But where is Mr Boots?"
"The night is like the day, only with fewer colours!"
"Don't you think fire looks like pretty orange fairies?"
"I have become what I most fear... a cat cannibal. I have become the catanibal!"
"Buckley (voiced by )"
"Eddie (voiced by Sinbad)"
"Tabitha (voiced by )"
"Dooper (voiced by )"
"Mrs. Boots (voiced by )"
"Louise (voiced by )"
"Ingrid (voiced by )"
"Latoyah (voiced by )"
"Dan (voiced by )"
"Trevor (Voiced by )"
"Devin (Voiced by )"
"Jay (voiced by )"
"Mr. Boots (Voiced by )"
"Justin (Voiced by )"
"Emily (Voiced by )"
"Jacob (Voiced by )"
"Lenny (Voiced by )"
"Tommy (voiced by )"
"Cult Cat (Voiced by )"
"Sally (Voiced by )"
"Bobby (Voiced by )"
"Fred (Voiced by )"
"Douglas (Voiced by )"
"Jerry (Voiced by )"
"Gerald (Voiced by )"
"Chris (Voiced by )"
"Zoe (Voiced by )"
"Jack (Voiced by )"
"Parker (Voiced by )"
"Ray (Voiced by )"
"Dwayne (Voiced by )"
"Ricky (Voiced by )"
"Wally (Voiced by )"
"Melissa (Voiced by )"
"Kyle (Voiced by )"
"Annie (Voiced by )"
"Jason (Voiced by )"
"Justin Roiland - Korvo"
"Dan Stevens - Korvo"
"Thomas Middleditch - Terry"
"Sean Giambrone - Yumyulack"
"Mary Mack - Jesse"
"Sagan McMahan - The Pupa"
"Tiffany Haddish - Aisha"
"Alfred Molina - The Duke"
"Andrew Daly - Tim"
"Christina Hendricks - Cherie"
"Jason Mantzoukas - Vanbo"
"Baby Nick (voiced by )"
"Baby Patrice (voiced by )"
"James Kee as Reilly O'Reilly"
"Terri Hawkes as Franny"
"Matthew King as Spalding"
"Cliff Saunders as Blazer"
"Paul Haddad as Lefty"
"Hamish Hughes as Griz"
"Diane Fabian as Liz Bromberg"
"Marvin Kaye as Mort Bromberg"
"Maurice Dean Wint as Fontaine"
"Linda Kash as Deborah"
"Corinne Conley as Sister Butch"
"as Joshua "Josh" Singleton"
"as Emily Ramirez"
"as Candice Ramirez-Singleton"
"as Alex Dorpenberger"
"as Bridgette Hashima"
"as Pearle Watson"
"as Randy Watson"
"Amy Poehler as Duncan and Annie Harris"
"Ty Burrell as Jack Harris"
"Riki Lindhome as Kimberly Harris"
"Zach Cherry as Wolf"
"Yassir Lester as Yangzi"
"Betsy Sodaro as Bex"
"Joy Osmanski as Jing"
"Rashida Jones as Mia"
"Wiz Khalifa as Mr. Mitch"
"Kathy Najimy as Mayor Jen and Helen"
"Natalie Palamides as Bradley and Claire"
"John Viener as Hans"
"Alice Cooper as Himself"
"Alex Honnold as Himself"
"Ana Gasteyer as Janine"
"Paul Fusco as Alf"
"Rick Springfield as Bobby Bastille"
"Judy Sheindlin as Herself"
"Carols Alazraqui as El Espantoso"
"Adam Scott as Nick"
"Aubrey Plaza as Nina"
"Retta as Sandy"
"Finn Wolfhard as Jeremy/Norman"
"Nick Offerman as Zeb"
"Gerald McRaney as Dick Harris"
"Horatino Sanz as Douglas"
"Stephen King as Himself"
"Kyla Pratt as Allison"
"Rachel Dratch as Sandra"
"Nicholas Gonzalez as Shane"
"– Judy Ken Sebben/Birdgirl"
"– Meredith the Mind Taker"
"– Dog with Bucket Hat"
"River L. Ramirez – Charley "Strongarm""
"– Paul "The Feels""
"– Brian O'Brien"
"Sonia Denis – Evie "The Big Ten""
"Julie Dove – Jessica from Accounting"
"Nick Offerman as Beef Tobin"
"Jenny Slate as Judy Tobin"
"Lizzie Freeman as Pomni"
"Alex Rochon as Caine"
"Micheal Kovach as Jax"
"Amanda Hufford as Ragatha"
"Marissa Lenti as Gangle and Martha Mildenhall"
"Sean Chiplock as Kinger"
"Ashley Nichols as Zooble"
"Jack Hawkins as Gumigoo"
"Gooseworx as Bubble and the Moon"
"The Great Escape"
"Quest for Fantasy"
"A Chris by Any Other Name"
"Springoween"
"Frosty King"
"Enter Destiny"
"Joanie Loves Terry"
"Salem, My Salem"
"Viking Days"
"Ace's Wild"
"Ragin' Fun"
"A Pox on Your Pox"
"Escape to Tooth Mountain"
"Deer Uncle Gerald"
"I Can Smell That Cheep Clone from Here"
"Dylan Crushes Reading"
"Winter Is Staying"
"Shame on Pee"
"Shell Raiser"
"On Golan Pond"
"Golan the Impregnable"
"Matt Oberg as Charles "Chuck" Brown / Kite Man"
"Stephanie Hsu as Lisa Snart / Golden Glider, Stephanie Brown / Spoiler"
"James Adomian as Bane"
"Jonathan Banks as Noonan"
"Lance Reddick as Lex Luthor (Season 1)"
"Michael Imperioli as Joe/Moe Dubelz"
"Natasia Demetriou as Malice"
"Judith Light as Helen Villigan"
"Janelle James as Queen of Fables"
"Rory Scovel as Gus the Goon"
"Keith David as Darkseid"
"Maria Bamford as Baby Doll"
"Phil LaMarr as Detective Chimp, DeSaad, Black Manta"
"Andy Daly as Darryl Brown, Sinestro"
"Dee Bradley Baker as Chessure"
"Kaley Cuoco as Dr. Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn"
"Lake Bell as Dr. Pamela Isley / Poison Ivy, Barbara Ann Minerva / Cheetah"
"Jim Rash as Edward Nygma / The Riddler"
"Tisha Campbell as Tawny Young"
"Seth Rogen as Frank Frankfurter"
"Kristen Wiig as Brenda Bunson (season 1)"
"Michael Cera as Barry"
"Edward Norton as Sammy Bagel Jr."
"Will Forte as Jack"
"Sam Richardson as Julius"
"Stephanie Beard as Jeri Rice"
"Scott "Diggs" Underwood as Gum, Twink, Duncan Doughnut"
"David Krumholtz as Kareem Abdul-Lavash"
"Yassir Lester as Iced Tea"
"Natasha Rothwell as Rutabaga Ginsberg"
"André Sogliuzzo as Christopher "Chris" Bologna"
"Jill Talley as Kishka Hargitay"
"Grey DeLisle as Red Lentils"
"James Adomian as Pops"
"Jillian Bell as Nutricia / Trish"
"Martin Starr as Sherman"
"Marion Cotillard as Dijon"
"Patti Harrison as Jill"
"Andre Braugher as General Owens"
"Ruth Negga as Sinead O'Potato"