Portal 2

"This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in 3... 2... 1..."

"Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments."

"If the Enrichment center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris does not appear to be a deliberate part of the test."

"This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future… God help you."

"Template. [Turret: Hello?] Response. [Turret: Hello.]"

"Warning: Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels."

"Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis. I was able – well, forced, really – to relive you killing me. Again and again. Forever. You know, if you'd done that to someone else, they might devote their existence to exacting revenge."

"Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me. By the way, thanks for that. [beep] [Announcer: Sarcasm self-test complete.] [beep] Oh good, that's back online. I'll start getting everything else working while you perform this first simple test - which involves deadly lasers and how test subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers. [waits for Chell to solve the test] Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this! You should pace yourself, though; we have a lot of tests to do."

"Well done. Here come the test results: "You are a horrible person." [subtitles read: "I'm serious;"] That's what it says: a horrible person. We weren't even testing for that."

"Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises? [train horn] I'm sorry, I don't know why that went off. Anyway, just an interesting science fact."

"Oh no. The turbines again. I have to go. Wait, this next test does require some explanation. Let me give you the fast version. [sped up: "and methodically knocking people's hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can."] There. If you have any questions, just remember what I said, in slow motion. Test on your own recognizance, I'll be right back."

"These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it."

"Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them? Did you guess "sharks"? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is "nobody". Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel."

"That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks "stupid". Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably – Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!"

"Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math."

"[Chell and GLaDOS, now stuck to potato battery, are falling down a long shaft] Oh, hi. So, how are you holding up? Because I'm a potato! [slow clap] Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that. Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere … well, we are going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts. He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility. [slow clap again] Good, that's still working. Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into it? Just remember to land on one foot."

"[Chell and GLaDOS are exiting Pump Station Gamma when GLaDOS sees a bird] Agh, bird, bird! Kill it! It's evil. [bird flies away] It flew off! Good. For him. Alright, back to thinking."

"[after defeating Wheatley and pulling Chell back from the portal on the Moon] Oh, thank God you're all right. You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy, when all along you were my best friend. The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain. [Announcer: "Caroline deleted."] Goodbye, Caroline. You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest - killing you is hard. You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me, or put me in a potato, or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what? You win. Just go. [gentle laughter] It's been fun. Don't come back."

"Hello? Are you, uh, just, if you're just waking up, don't, don't worry. So, I'm... I'm a man... I'm a core. I'm a core, specifically designed to, uh, look after you.*"

"Most test subjects do experience some, uh, cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for … quite a bit longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed, all right? Although, if you do feel alarm, try to hold onto that feeling, because that is the proper reaction to being told you've got brain damage."

"This is the Main Breaker Room. Let's go in! [Chell enters the MBR] Look for a switch that says escape pod, alright? Don't touch anything else. Not interested in anything else, don't touch anything else, don't-- don't even look at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything else to-- to find the Escape Pod, but as soon as you've looked at something that doesn't say "Escape Pod", look at something else, look at the next thing. Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at anything-- well, look at other things, but don't... You understand? Can you see it anywhere? I can't see it anywhere. Uh... tell you what, plug me in and I'll turn the lights on. [Chell plugs Wheatley in, lights turn on] Let there be light! That's uh, God, I was quoting God. [mainframe turns around] Oh look at that! Turning. Ominous. But probably fine. Long as it doesn't start, y'know, moving up… [buzzers behind the following] Now, escape pod… escape pod… [buzzers stop, mainframe elevates] It's - It's movin' up. OK... Okay, no, don't- don't worry, don't worry, I've got it, I've got it, I've got it! [stops in the middle of elevation] This should slow it down. [puts passcode in, then mainframe goes faster] No, makes it go faster. Uh-oh."

"Hey! How's it going? I talked my way onto the nanobot work crew, rebuilding this shaft. They are really small, so-- oh. [Chittering from Jerry, a nanobot] I know, Jerry! No, I'm on a break, mate! On a break! [Chittering. Wheatley runs into a plank of wood. To Chell:] Just hang in there for five more-- [Chittering. To Jerry:] What?! Jerry, you can't fire me for that! [Chittering.] Yes, Jerry. Or maybe your prejudiced workplace should've accomodated for a nanobot of my size! Thanks for the hate crime, Jer! See you in court, mate. [To Chell:] Anyway, look, just hang in there for- for five more chambers."

"OK, alright, so... I've got an idea, but it is bloody dangerous. Here we go... [exclaims as flashlight activates] Oh for God's... They told me that if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would die! They told me that about everything! I mean, I-- I don't even know why they bother giving me this stuff if they didn't want me to use it. It's pointless! Mad!"

"Ooh. It's dark down here, isn't it? They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff! Of robots. All of them robots -- they say at night, you can still hear the screams... of their replicas. All of them, functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident, nobody knows what they're screaming about. Absolutely terrifying... though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way."

"All right, preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit: begin! [affects on a different British accent] Hello Guv'. Neurotoxin inspector, need to shut this place down for a moment. Here's my credentials; shut yourself down. I am totally legit, from the board of international neurotoxin, uh, observers, from the United Arab Emirates."

"Well, no matter. Because I'm still holding all the cards, and guess what: they're all full houses! Never played cards; meaning to learn. [Wheatley opens a room with turrets and an Excursion Funnel] Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours: the best hand. Unbeatable … I would imagine. [Chell dispatches of the turrets with the Excursion Funnel and jumps into it] Oh, I see, clever. Very clever … and foolish! [opens panel to reveal spinning blades at the end of the Funnel] Spinny blade wall! Machiavellian! [Chell jumps out of the Funnel, and runs into another room with another Excursion Funnel] Well, good, good. Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect. [Chell jumps into the Funnel] Holmes versus Moriarty … Aristotle versus mashy spike plate! [smashes a spike plate into the wall] Stay still, please!"

"[when Chell arrives at the main control room] Well, well, well. Welcome … [changes to deep voice] to my lair! [changes to his normal voice] Let me just flag something up: according to the control panel light up there, the entire building's gonna self-destruct in about six minutes. I'm pretty sure it's a problem with the light. I think the light's on the blink, but just in case it isn't, I am actually going to have to kill you, as discussed earlier. So let's call that three minutes, and then a minute break, where we should leave a leisurely two minutes to figure out how to shut down whatever's starting all these fires. So that's the itinerary. Also, I took the liberty of watching the tapes of you killing her, and I'm not going to make the same mistakes. Four part plan is this: One, no portal surfaces; two, start the neurotoxin immediately; three, bomb-proof shields for me; leading directly into number four: bombs for throwing at you. You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking of course. Goodbye."

"Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you, you arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman! You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!"

"Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!"

"[as Chell tries to press the Stalemate Resolution button, two panels drop to reveal bombs, which explode; Chell is knocked across the room] Part five: booby-trap the stalemate button! [Chell gets up and grabs the portal gun] What, are you still alive?! You are joking! You have got to be kidding me! Well, I'm still in control, and I have no idea how to fix this place! Oh, you had to play bloody cat-and-mouse, didn't you?! While people were trying to work! Yeah, well, now all of us are going to pay the price, 'cause we're all gonna bloody die! Oh, brilliant, yeah, take one last look at your precious human moon, because it cannot help you now! [Chell shoots a portal at the Moon]"

"Those of you helping us test the Repulsion Gel today, just follow the blue line on the floor. Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts."

"Oh, in case you get covered in that Repulsion Gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: [sound of rustling pages] "Do not get covered in the Repulsion Gel." We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: It's a lively one, and it does not like the human skeleton."

"This next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So, word of advice: If you meet yourself on the testing track, don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time. Entirely. Forward and backward! So do both of yourselves a favor and just let that handsome devil go about his business."

"Science isn't about why, it's about why not. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired! Not you, test subject, you're doing fine. Yes, you! Box. your stuff, out the front door, parking lot, car, goodbye!"

"All these Science Spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough, or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test, that's asbestos. Good news is the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of 44.6 years, so if you're thirty or older you're laughing. Worst case scenario you miss out on a few rounds of Canasta, plus you've forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face."

"[after Chell completes Enrichment Sphere 4] Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna change the world! [tape cuts out] This on? [taps thumb 3 times] Hey, listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom. [GLaDOS: I swear I know him...]"

"Welcome to the Enrichment Center. [cough] Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not. [cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though. [cough] The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel. And guess what? Ground up moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill. Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can you somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [cough] Let's all stay positive and do some science. That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills."

"All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. [GLaDOS: "Yeah."] Make life take the lemons back! [GLaDOS: [animatedly] "Yeah!"] Get mad! [GLaDOS: [increasingly animatedly] "Yeah!"] "I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?!" [GLaDOS: "Yeah, take the lemons!"] Demand to see life's manager! [GLaDOS: "Yeah!"] Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am?! I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! [GLaDOS: "Oh, I like this guy."] I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down! [GLaDOS: "Burn his house down! Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!"]"

"The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now. Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place. Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her. Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care. All right, test's over. You can head on back to your desk. [GLaDOS: "Goodbye, sir."]"

"The Schrödinger's Cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat must be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and dead. Schrödinger created this paradox as a justification for killing cats."

"Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity."

"William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts."

"In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this."

"In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event."

"In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning."

"The first commercial airline flight took to the air in 1914. Everyone involved screamed the entire way."

"Before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane, anyone wanting to fly anywhere was required to eat 200 pounds of helium."

"During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice."

"Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird."

"In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself."

"The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful deadly poison."

"Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to school naked and have their teeth fall out."

"Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans."

"The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty."

"At some point in their lives, one in six children will be abducted by the Dutch."

"To make a photocopier, simply photocopy a mirror."

"Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis."

"Humans can survive underwater. But not for very long."

"The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting."