"(On Paris Hilton) Believe it or not, I sort of know her a little bit. And based on that, I'm here to tell you that she is actually.......um.....retarded!"

"I would rather blow a guy in the bathroom at White Castle in between sliders...because I'm romantic!"

"(About gay cruising) My gays had to school me, and they said there's a whole system and a language to the tapping. One tap means you're a top, two means you're a bottom.....I don't know, it's very elaborate. Very elaborate."

"I don't give a fuck who's gay or straight in the Senate. Who cares? But it's always the one that they have all this tape of, saying gay people shouldn't have civil rights, gay people aren't the same, I would never want a gay person......those are always the ones trying to get a headjob at the fucking airport bathroom at the Minneapolis airport!"

"Wake up people! If you are gay and living in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, what the fuck else are you gonna do? You're gonna join the musical theatre. That's all you got in Pigeon Forge - there's no "bear" bar! This is it. Suit up.....put the wings on!"

"I was in the Oak Park theatre group. But we never had $90 000 to take an ad out! We were lucky if we had money for the glitter for the fucking poster!"

"As someone who was raised Catholic, and went to St Bernadine's; don't pull your Catholic kid-fucker bullshit with me, motherfuckers! I'm not scared of you. And I'm not havin it!"

"The 2007 Emmy Awards were a little too Cirque de Seacrest. I shouldn't say that about Ryan, she's a very good hostess."

"And then who comes along to save the day? A couple of tool-belt wearing, golf-loving, Dinah Shore weekend lesbians sent from heaven."

"I'm not wearing any pants and the lesbians are waiting!"

"I know you love her... you're gay and she's Celine Dion!"

"[Impersonating Celine) "Zis next song iz for all ze parents in zer audience, and also zer children"...(looks puzzled).... that's just everybody, right?"

"Everytime she walks out (on stage), she acts like she's shocked anyone showed up! Every night! As if every single day, at about 3 o'clock, she's like, "You know Rene, maybe tonight iz ze night zey do not come?""

"I guess the contortionists are cool right, very impressive, they're doing stuff we can't do. But for me, once you see the gay guy bend over and fuck himself, I'm done!"

"If you have not seen the Celine Dion Vegas show, tomorrow, get a plane ticket, go to Vegas... it is the biggest freak show you will ever see! It's Cirque De Celine."

"I'm gonna be so hot, I'm gonna fuck myself!"

"Cause you know my joke is that I love her (Oprah Winfrey) but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like "Oh, stigmata?". No, Oprah. Get off the cross and do your show!"

"What? Steven Spielberg is furious with me? I won't be able to star in any more Steven Spielberg movies? What will I do with my day? Suck my dick!!"

"I know that Lindsay (Lohan) has lost a lot of weight recently, due to diet, Pilates and crack. Without the diet and Pilates."

"You know how you get that pre-diarrhoea feeling in your stomach? I'm not saying I shit my pants. But I knew I only had about 90 seconds to play with!"

"Because he loves pussy. Except it smells like fish!"

"When Clay Aiken comes to your town - GO! It is a spectacle. It is the gayest thing I have ever seen! Organisers of the Pride Fest in San Francisco are like "We're fucked"!"

"I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners!"

"I might imply in my act that Clay (Aiken) is a big, fat homo!"

"People with cancer like to wear jogging suits."

"You've got the two titans. Streisand. Oprah. Both strong black women."

"Oprah decides to go with her "friend", Gayle."

"(About Oprah Winfrey) She's very thin now, she's very cranky.....and very hungry!"

"You'll have to excuse my friend, Ryan. That's the first time he's ever touched a woman."

"This thing that's really weird about Seacrest is that he's super into grooming. He gets mani-pedi's. He gets his eyelashes dyed. He goes to Mystic Tan, he flat-irons his hair. Very butch. Very typical of straight men!"

"I can't stand that asshole Ryan Seacrest and here's why. He can't sing. He can't dance. He has no talent. When is he gonna go away?"

"So then, I go to this other guy who's just a civilian guy and minding his own business and I go to him like this "Burka - NO"! "Burka - BAD"! Like he's one of my dogs!"

"(Talking about Kabul, Afghanistan) It's great for the women. Still in the burkas and the women still can't leave their homes without a man, or else the cleric with the big stick beats them until they go back in. They go back in...they clean the bucket of clits......! Oh Kathy, that was just the limit. You have crossed the line...right after you moved it! So basically, it fucking sucks there and it's a complete shithole."

"I knew the minute I heard the "gay inhale". He literally goes "Diva, what are you doing here?". It was heaven! I found my gay, even in Kandahar, Afghanistan! He plonks down next to me, puts the tray down, puts his gun down... he's like "Errghh, girl, I'm on graveyard tonight... I am a wreck... I'm exhausted... my roommates are all snoring, yee-ukk, they're pigs! Anyway, what's going on with Ben and J-Lo?""

"If they wanna meet me, they have to shake my hand. And I'm going down the line saying "Yeah, thats right...look at me......I'm an American woman... you can shake my hand, motherfucker... that's right... that's how we roll... hi... (points to herself)... look... whore face.....""

"All of a sudden, I'm thinking, these guys [Afghani men] aren't so bad. I'm like the type of asshole where if you're nice to me once, I'm your friend for life. Sure, you hacked your kid's clit off, but you were nice!"

"So anyway, the show starts, and it's the Army band, and it's all those American "ra ra" songs, you know that whole "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free." And they eat that shit up!"

"(On signing autographs for troops) I'd be writing To Private so and so, love Kathy Griffin and then I'd go "here, think about this when you beat off"."

"The wrestler was up there with his wife, and I actually heard her say "Can this thing do a loopty loop?""

"They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say "now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter! I'd be like "I want the ride... the first one... the boring one... the ride. I don't want the "rrrride"... I want the ride!"

"And then she (Brooke Sheilds) says the ill-fated words "You have to put this in your act". And I said "What, I would never"! Because it's a private time!!"

"I said "boy, I'd love to get a tour of this house cause it's so beautiful". So she hooks my arm, and she walks by. And then the grooms mother, trying to help me out says "Can I help you ladies with anything?" And then Brooke's Mom; and this is why I love her, without missing a beat, says to the groom's mother - "Shut up, you fucking cunt"!! It was a fucking dream come true!"

"She reaches under and grabs my peech and like, squeezes it and walks away. I run over to Brooke and go "Your mother just molested me. I could sue you and own this house"!"

"When I go to a wedding, I live for the wedding cake. It's all I care about. So Brooke at one point calls me and says "C'mon, we're gonna get started", so I go and sit in the very front row, as close to the wedding cake as possible, cause I literally want that second piece. So anyway, I sit down and I'm right in the front row with Brooke. And it turns out she meant come sit here cause Tuck and Patti are starting, like, their full concert!! And I thought, oh shit! And I'm looking at the wedding cake, salivating like a dog!"

"So then, she looks at Brooke (Shields)'s Dad with his newer wife, and she's like "So, now you're with my ex-husband. Well, congratulations, you can have him"! It was fucking on!!"

"There were two cheerleaders, and their job was to basically go out in skimpy outfits and say hi to the guys........and some of the ladies, if you know what I'm saying."

"When you perform for the Army, they want dick jokes and they want em now!"

"I love my clit. I use it every day. Not a day goes by when I don't use it for something."

"She calls me up and says "Guess what - we're going to the Persian Gulf for Christmas". Immediately I put my hands over my clitoris. I don't want to insult the Muslim culture. It's such a wonderful culture for women - unless you have a clitoris and you're 13 cause they're hacking that shit off!"