"Another good thing about gossip is that it is within everybody's reach, And it is much more interesting than any other form of speech, Because suppose you eschew gossip and just say Mr. Smith is in love with his wife. Why that disposes the Smiths as a topic of conversation for the rest of their life, But suppose you say with a smile, that poor little Mrs. Smith thinks her husband is in love with her, he must be very clever, Why then you can enjoyably talk about the Smiths forever."

"Listen, buds, it's March twenty first; Don't you know enough to burst? Come on, birds, unlock your throats! Come on, gardeners, shed your coats!"

"Oh, sometimes I sit around and think, what would you do if you were up a dark alley and there was Caesar Borgia, And he was coming torgia…"

"So I think there is one rule every host and hostess ought to keep with the comb and nail file and bicarbonate and aromatic spirits on a handy shelf, Which is don't spoil the denouement by telling the guests everything is terrible, but let them have the thrill of finding it out for themselves."

"When people reject a truth or an untruth it is not because it is a truth or an untruth that they reject it. No, if it isn't in accord with their beliefs in the first place they simply say, "Nothing doing," and refuse to inspect it."

"Perhaps indeed the possession of wealth is constantly distressing, But I should be quite willing to assume every curse of wealth if I could at the same time assume every blessing. The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure, Which is a kind of trouble that is even more troublesome if you are poor. Certainly there are lots of things in life that money won't buy, but it's very funny — Have you ever tried to buy them without money?"

"Camped on a tropic riverside, One day he missed his loving bride. She had, the guide informed him later, Been eaten by an alligator. Professor Twist could not but smile. "You mean," he said, "a crocodile.""

"There is one thing that ought to be taught in all the colleges, Which is that people ought to be taught not to go around always making apologies."

"There are two kinds of people who blow through life like a breeze, And one kind is gossipers, and the other kind is gossipees, And they certainly annoy each other, But they certainly enjoy each other, Yes, they pretend to flout each other, But they couldn't do without each other..."

"Whether elected or appointed He considers himself the Lord's annointed, And indeed the ointment lingers on him So thick you can't get your fingers on him."

"I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it."

"One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence."

"Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind."

"I can't say that I feel particularly one way or the other towards bell-boys, But I do admit that I haven't much use for the it's-just-as-well boys, The cheery souls who drop around after every catastrophe and think they are taking the curse off By telling you about somebody who is even worse off. No matter how deep and dark your pit, how dank your shroud, Their heads are heroically unbloody and unbowed."

"The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control."

"Most bankers dwell in marble halls, Which they get to dwell in because they encourage deposits and discourage withdrawals, And particularly because they all observe one rule which woe betides the banker who fails to heed it, Which is you must never lend any money to anybody unless they don't need it."

"Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, And that's what parents were created for."

"Smite, Smoot, Be rugged and rough, Smut if smitten Is front-page stuff."

"The cow is of the bovine ilk; One end is moo, the other, milk."

"Senator Smoot is an institute Not to be bribed with pelf; He guards our homes from erotic tomes By reading them all himself."

"Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is."

"Senator Smoot (Republican, Ut.) Is planning a ban on smut. Oh rooti-ti-toot for Smoot of Ut. And his reverend occiput. Smite, Smoot, smite for Ut., Grit your molars and do your dut., Gird up your l__ns, Smite h_p and th_gh, We'll all be Kansas By and by."

"When smut's to be smitten Smoot will smite For G-d, for country, And Fahrenheit."

"The song of canaries Never varies, And when they're moulting They're pretty revolting."

"She took those pills from the pill concocter, And Isabel calmly cured the doctor."

"Hark, hark! the lark On windswept bark Freezes against a sky of lead! Now see him stop, Take one small hop, And suddenly keel over dead!"

"Any hound a porcupine nudges Can't be blamed for harboring grudges. I know one hound that laughed all winter At a porcupine that sat on a splinter."

"Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave When they think that their children are naive."

"Behold the hippopotamus! We laugh at how he looks to us, And yet in moments dank and grim, I wonder how we look to him."

"The bear said, Isabel, glad to meet you, How do, Isabel, now I'll eat you! Isabel, Isabel, didn't worry. Isabel didn't scream or scurry. She washed her hands, and she straightened her hair up, Then Isabel quietly ate the bear up."

"Abracadabra, thus we learn, The more you create, the less you earn. The less you earn, the more you're given, The less you lead, the more you're driven, The more destroyed, the more they feed, The more you pay, the more they need The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul should take If the tax collector hasn't got it before I wake."

"To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up."

"Good wine needs no bush, And perhaps products that people really want need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot."

"The moral is that it is probably better not to sin at all, but if some kind of sin you must be pursuing, Well, remember to do it by doing rather than by not doing."

"Once in a night as black as pitch Isabel met a wicked old witch. the witch's face was cross and wrinkled, The witch's gums with teeth were sprinkled. Ho, ho, Isabel! the old witch crowed, I'll turn you into an ugly toad! Isabel, Isabel, didn't worry. Isabel didn't scream or scurry. She showed no rage and she showed no rancor, But she turned the witch into milk, and drank her."

"It is common knowledge to every schoolboy and even every Bachelor of Arts, That all sin is divided into two parts. One kind of sin is called a sin of commission, and that is very important And it is what you are doing when you are doing something you oughtn't..."

"It is the sin of omission, the second kind of sin, That lays eggs under your skin."

"Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit... So here we are several billion of us, crowded into our global concentration camp for the duration. How are we to survive? Solemnity is not the answer, any more than witless and irresponsible frivolity is. I think our best chance lies in humor, which in this case means a wry acceptance of our predicament. We don't have to like it but we can at least recognize its ridiculous aspects, one of which is ourselves."

"I dreamt that my hair was kempt. Then I dreamt that my true love unkempt it."

"Man is a victim of dope In the incurable form of hope."

"Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?"

"Oh, things are frequently what they seem, And this is wisdom's crown: Only the game fish swims upstream, But the sensible fish swims down."

"Candy Is Dandy But liquor Is quicker."

"Just when you think that at least the outlook is so black that it can grow no blacker, it worsens, And that is why I do not like the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons."

"If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work."

"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of."

"The giant was hairy, the giant was horrid, He had one eye in the middle of his forehead."

"How easy for those who do not bulge To not overindulge!"