"The fact that what are commonly spoken of as rights are often really privileges is demonstrated in the case of the Jews. They resent bitterly their exclusion from certain hotels, resorts and other places of gathering, and make determined efforts to horn in. But the moment any considerable number of them horns in, the attractions of the place diminish, and the more pushful Jews turn to one where they are still nicht gewuenscht."

"It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. If such a board actually exists it operates precisely like the board of a corporation that is losing money."

"There are people who read too much: the bibliobibuli. I know some who are constantly drunk on books, as other men are drunk on whiskey or religion. They wander through this most diverting and stimulating of worlds in a haze, seeing nothing and hearing nothing."

"Government is actually the worst failure of civilized man. There has never been a really good one, and even those that are most tolerable are arbitrary, cruel, grasping and unintelligent. Indeed, it would not be far wrong to describe the best as the common enemy of all decent citizens. But there will be small hope of gaining adherents to this idea so long as government is thought of as an independent and somehow super-human organism, with powers, rights, and privileges transcending those of any other human aggregation."

"Equality before the law is probably forever inattainable. It is a noble ideal, but it can never be realized, for what men value in this world is not rights but privileges."

"God is the immemorial refuge of the incompetent, the helpless, the miserable. They find not only sanctuary in His arms, but also a kind of superiority, soothing to their macerated egos: He will set them above their betters."

"No government is ever really in favor of so-called civil rights. It always tries to whittle them down. They are preserved under all governments, insofar as they survive at all, by special classes of fanatics, often highly dubious."

"Human life is basically a comedy. Even its tragedies often seem comic to the spectator, and not infrequently they actually have comic touches to the victim. Happiness probably consists largely in the capacity to detect and relish them. A man who can laugh, if only at himself, is never really miserable."

"My guess is that well over eighty per cent of the human race goes through life without ever having a single original thought. That is to say, they never think anything that has not been thought before, and by thousands. A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. The pressure of ideas would simply drive it frantic. The normal human society is very little troubled by them. Whenever a new one appears the average man displays signs of dismay and resentment. The only way he can take in such a new idea is by translating it crudely into terms of more familiar ideas. That translation is one of the chief functions of politicians, not to mention journalists. They devote themselves largely to debasing the ideas launched by their betters. This debasement is intellectually reprehensible, but probably necessary to carry on the business of the world."

"I have often argued that a poet more than thirty years old is simply an overgrown child. I begin to suspect that there may be some truth in it."

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart."

"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not."

"Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another."

"If x is the population of the United States and y is the degree of imbecility of the average American, then democracy is the theory that x × y is less than y."

"The lunatic fringe wags the underdog."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy."

"In every unbeliever's heart there is an uneasy feeling that, after all, he may awake after death and find himself immortal. This is his punishment for his unbelief. This is the agnostic's Hell."

"When women kiss, it always reminds one of prize-fighters shaking hands."

"A man who has throttled a bad impulse has at least some consolation in his agonies, but a man who has throttled a good one is in a bad way indeed."

"Q: If you find so much that is unworthy of reverence in the United States, then why do you live here? A: Why do men go to zoos?"

"Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends."

"A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier."

"Sunday — A day given over by Americans to wishing that they themselves were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in Hell."

"Creator — A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh."

"Theology — An effort to explain the unknowable by putting it into terms of the not worth knowing."

"In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for. As for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican."

"Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under."

"A man may be a fool and not know it — but not if he is married."

"Misogynist — A man who hates women as much as women hate one another."

"Wealth — Any income that is at least $100 more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband."

"Jealousy is the theory that some other fellow has just as little taste."

"Lawyer — One who protects us against robbers by taking away the temptation."

"Jury — A group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health and business engagements, have failed to fool him."

"Judge — A law student who marks his own examination-papers."

"The theory seems to be that so long as a man is a failure he is one of God's chillun, but that as soon as he has any luck he owes it to the Devil."

"Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage."

"The New Deal began, like the Salvation Army, by promising to save humanity. It ended, again like the Salvation Army, by running flop-houses and disturbing the peace."

"Christian — One who is willing to serve three Gods, but draws the line at one wife."

"Historian — An unsuccessful novelist."

"Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it."

"We are here and it is now: further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine."

"Truth — Something somehow discreditable to someone."

"Self-respect — The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious."

"Remorse — Regret that one waited so long to do it."

"Platitude — An idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true."

"A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know."

"An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup."

"Immorality is the morality of those who are having a better time. You will never convince the average farmer's mare that the late Maud S. was not dreadfully immoral."

"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking."

"The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind."