"Ms. Ginny Stroud: Okay guys, one more thing, this summer when you're being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes."

"You just wasted another fucking beer!"

"[on speaker from his truck, to junior high students] Okay, all you freshman fucks, listen up!, Today's your lucky day, Normally you'd be spending your freshman summer getting your asses busted, and running for your worthless little lives. But today, since we feel so sorry for you, we're gonna make it easy on ya; gonna save us all a lotta time. If you meet us here, right here, after school today, y'all only get one "lick" from each of us. But if you run like cowards, well, it's open season, all summer long, boys. Oh, and Mitch Kramer. Mitchy-Mitchy-Mitchy-Mitchy...We're lookin' for you, pal. Your ass'll be purple before the day's over. Have a nice afternoon. [kisses CB mic]"

"I’d like to dedicate this first lick to your mother... fuck her."

"You are an embarrassment to the sport of pool, and you should be honored that I even let you play at my table."

"Head! Pants! Now!"

"Nancy Travis - Harriet Michaels"

"Anthony LaPaglia - Tony Giardino"

"Brenda Fricker - May Mackenzie"

"Mike Myers - Charlie/Stuart Mackenzie"

"Woman... woe-man... whoah, man!She was a thief, you got to belief, she stole my heart and my cat. Betty, Judy, Josie and those hot Pussycats... They make me horny, Saturday morny Girls of cartoo-ins Won't leave me in ruins I want to to be Betty's Barney. Hey Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love."

"Harriet! Harry-it Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust... ing. Un-know... ing. Un-love... ed? He wants you back, he screams into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire... except the passion of his heart. I am lonely! It's really hard! This poem... sucks."

"I care for Apple Jacks a great deal."

"I think I'm dating Ms. X..."

"I like the night life. I like to boogey."

"[after being asked by Harriet what he looks for in a woman] Most people say a sense of humor, but I'm gonna have to go with breast size."

"Come Nadia, let us dance like children of the night."

"You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called FA-QUE! [pronounces it "fuck you"] It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground."

"I believe most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."

"[is served a huge cup of coffee] Excuse me miss, there seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the large cappuccino. Hello?!"

"Well it's a well-known fact, sonny-Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually in a secret country mansion in Colorado known as The Meadows. (So who's in this Pentavirate?) The Queen, the Vatican, the Gettys, the Rothschilds...and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up! Ooh I hated the Colonel, with his wee beady eyes and that smug look on his face! Ohh you're gonna buy my chicken! Ooh! (Dad, how can you hate the Colonel?) Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly, smart arse!"

"[singing "Do You Think I'm Sexy" with bagpipes] If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, c'mon baby let me know! Haggis solo!"

"May, shut it!"

"Heid! Paper! Now! Move that melon of yours and get the paper if you can, hauling that gargantuan cranium about!"

"May, turn off the Bay City Rollers! The soccer game is about to begin!"

"Let's get pissed!"

"We have a piper down. I repeat, a piper is down. 'S all right, he's just pissed."

"Ooh, that was off-sides, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow!"

"No kidding. His head's like Sputnik. Spherical, but quite pointy in parts."

"Look at the size of that boy's head. I’m not kidding. It's like an orange on a toothpick."

"Give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in."

"Pig Cop #1: [in a Synagogue] You're not supposed to dance, Ralph, 'cause you're not Jewish!"

"Judy Engles - (voice, uncredited)"

"Phil Seuling - (voice)"

"John McCurry - (voice)"

"Rosetta LeNoire - (voice)"

"Skip Hinnant - Fritz the Cat (voice)"

"SEE! The man eat crow! SEE! The Air Force bomb the ghetto! SEE! Fritz bite off more than he can chew! SEE! Hundreds of dirty animals!"

"We're not rated X for nothin', baby!"

"He's X-Rated and Animated!"

"Officer: [last lines] Eh, poor cat. He was a - he was a kind a tough kid at that, wudden he?"

"Lizard Leader: I think I'm gonna ride that goddamn whore!"

"Ralph: [attempting to keep a group of crows from tearing him and the other pig cop to pieces] Would you like to see a picture of my kids?"

"Duke: You think being a crow is a big motherf***ing ball? All you cats the same, man! You don't know where it is, and you don't have somebody to tell you where it is. You have to be where it is to find out what's happening!"

"Newscaster: We interrupt the Israel-Arab war for this special announcement! The President, after conferring with Israel Prime Minister Golda Meir, has agreed to send more arms to Israel - based on the return of New York city and Los Angeles to the United States."

"Ralph: [in a Synagogue; referring to the Rabbis] They all got long hair. They all got long clothes. Must be a hippie church!"

"Pig Cop #1: Now, you have the deeper voice so on three, you yell "Open the f***ing door". Now, say the word "f***ing" because you got—that makes you sound tough."

"Aardvark: I'm a failure as a pot smoker."

"Aardvark: Ever mated with an aardvark? It's a rare opportunity, you know. We're scarce."

"Crow: [effeminate] I ain't no jive-ass black nigga, honey. Who do you think I am, Geraldine?"