"[After he runs through an obstacle course full of tasers and cattle prods] I change my mind. Stun guns are now the number one most thing that I hate now. Bulls are second, snakes are third. That sucked!"

"[Dressed as a mild-mannered, senior-citizen, with professional face make-up, accompanied by an elderly lady, and a willing, attractive, younger looking adult female in support] Hello, I'm Irving Zistman, this is my wife, and grandaughter, and today, I'm a really bad grandpa!"

"[As Bam pees in front of a jet engine blowing in his face] That's the story of Jackass, right there. Just pissing in the wind!"

"[after Wee-Man is hit in the groin by a random apple thrown at him by Jeff Tremaine] See, I told you it's not that hard to get into film!"

"[Steve-O just puked after biting an apple that was in Preston's buttocks] You don't like apple and peanut butter?"

"Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to Jackass!"

"[dressed as Santa Claus] Santa did have a few drinks last night, so this ain't going to feel too good."

"[seeing a bull stomping its feet] Oh, I hate it when they do that."

"Dimitry Elyashkevich as self"

"Lance Bangs as self"

"Rick Kosick as self"

"Spike Jonze as self"

"Jeff Tremaine as self"

"Rip Taylor as self"

"Will Oldham as self"

"Mike Judge (as Beavis and Butt-head)"

"Rake Yohn as self"

"Sean William Scott as self"

"Eric Koston as self"

"Tony Hawk as self"

"Mat Hoffman as self"

"Josh Brown as self"

"Jared Allen as self"

"Phil Margera as self"

"April Margera as self"

"Loomis Fall as self"

"Manny Puig as self"

"The Dudesons as self"

"Brandon Novak as self"

"Jason "Wee Man" Acuña as self"

"Dave England as self"

"Preston Lacy as self"

"Ehren McGhehey as self"

"Chris Pontius as self"

"Ryan Dunn as self"

"Steve-O as self"

"Bam Margera as self"

"Johnny Knoxville as self"

"Hi, I'm Preston Lacy. And this is the Apple of my Ass."

"[About to get hit between the legs, in a strained voice] I'm Steve-O, and [freezes up] Oh, fuck! Why do I have to be Steve-O?!"

"See, Dave doesn't understand: the more you freak out, the more you get stung. Idiot."

"That had everything. It had shit, it had danger, it had puke. That's what this show's all about...and sex appeal."